Feel Old Yet? Billie Eilish Wasn’t Even Born at Publication of Die bewußte Anwendung der dialektischen Methode auf dem Niveau der Lehre von der Denkweise

BERLIN – With the release of US pop singer Billie Eilish’s new song (“No Time to Die”, the theme for the latest installment in the never-ending post-Cold War British intelligence services advert series), the young songsayer has been again courting controversy by not knowing things as she makes the rounds on the talk show circuits of European countries.

Having already alienated all the “Boomers” in the band’s native Netherlands due to her lack of familiarity with Van Halen, Eilish arrived in Germany this week only to find her knowledge of formal logic and philosophy under scrutiny in the homeland of Hegel:

“You haven’t read Die bewußte Anwendung der dialektischen Methode auf dem Niveau der Lehre von der Denkweise?” asked the incredulous Bremen-based late-night talk show host James Kümmel, in a clearly visible state of shock during Eilish’s appearance on the former’s Thursday night show.

“I’ve never even heard of it!” laughed the singer, to gasps from the audience.

“It’s a classic short work by the Maoist theoretician Stefan Engel, of the MLPD. How old are you?” asked Kümmel, checking his notes.

“I was born in 2001, I’m 18!” laughed Eilish. “The only Maoist I read is JMP!”

“Oh God, you’re younger than the text! I feel so old! Don’t you feel extremely old, folks?” asked Kümmel to the audience, who laughed uproariously, but in that German way, where you have to stop chuckling every few seconds to say “ja, natürlich”.

Other public appearances by Eilish were marked by a similar culture clash between the Land of No Theory and the Land of The Appropriate Amount of Theory. During a daytime performance on Friday, Eilish made a joking reference to the synthesiser on stage as being “constructed through the Hegelian dialectic by attaching an antithesiser to a thesiser”, provoking a heckler to begin shouting: “that’s Fichte! Stop attributing Fichtean logic to Hegel, Yanks!” over and over again until they were escorted from the premises by security.

Eilish’s young age and theoretical naïveté leave her particularly vulnerable to ontological bullying in a country where every secondary school student is required to write a philosophically grounded defence of the rational core of Christianity or similarly grounded criticism of one of the same to be allowed to graduate. Outside of a scheduled performance in Hamburg this weekend, a picket is to take place by an LGBT+ group  who condemn Eilish’s discography for “failure to meaningfully engage with Hocquenghem’s central claims”. In solidarity, local Worker’s Spatula cadres will be joining the picket and passing out literature condemning Leon Trotsky.

Eilish’s management company, The Darkroom, have released a statement attempting to calm German outrage at the singer:

To the German press and public opinion,

Although we understand that it is not the case in Germany, in most cultures, youth is a time of impetuousness and irreverence towards authority and tradition. Billie Eilish can hardly be blamed for her ignorance, an understandable consequence of coming from the most anti-intellectual country on Earth and being born into a generation where hope is a fast-dying flame which we ourselves are extinguishing by profiting off of the despairing alienation which her entire generation is slowly resigning itself to.

We wish to assure the German public that Billie Eilish means no offence by not having an opinion on Kant’s religiosity, or the causes of the collapse of the Weimar Republic, or what a “World War II” is. She is simply too young in our culture to know things, and frankly, if it is up to us and all other gatekeepers of socially normative “alternative” culture, no young people would ever know a single new thing not necessary for commodity production and exchange.

However, as sale of Billie Eilish’s music is especially important in our digital era, it is very important to us that Billie Eilish know harmless things which will allow German people to purchase the alienated product of her labour and the labour of all those involved in the production of her music in its objectified commodity form.

Accordingly, we promise that throughout 2020, she and her brother and musical partner Finneas will sit down together to read Slavoj Žižek’s The Puppet and the Dwarf: The Perverse Core of Christianity, so that she can do rudimentary interviews for German television in the manner you people expect.

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“Max Zirngast Maoist or Something” –BVT

VIENNA, MAY ALLAH HAVE MERCY UPON US ALL, WE’RE BACK IN VIENNA – As is now widely known across the German-speaking world, the Austrian BVT (Counterterrorism Office), not content to merely collaborate with the Turkish state’s farcical case against Turkish TÖP cadre and their friend Max Zirngast, apparently decided to commit the much-greater crime of mixing up unrelated factions of the Turkish left.

Yes, not only was Max’s closeness while in Ankara to TÖP understood as a real link to the “TKP/K” even though the latter organisation’s actual existence is in doubt according to previous Turkish court cases, but the Liechtenstein-backed puppet government in Vienna decided that “TKP/K” was some varient of the TKP-ML, and therefore that TÖP has an armed wing engaging in Maoist people’s war: TİKKO.

While allegedly Max Zirngast is no longer being investigated for his alleged alleged alleged alleged links to TİKKO, the story represented a huge scandal not only in the alleged left scene in Austria, but across Europe including in countries which actually matter. Following German-language press briefly referring to Zirngast as “Europe’s most famous contemporary Maoist”, Maoists in other German-speaking countries took issue with the breadth of this claim:

“Europe’s most famous?” asked an incredulous Stefan Engel, grabbing hold of the nearest television camera in a Marx-level drunken rage at 7 AM, local time. “Maybe Austria, sure. But how can you ignore Stefan Engel? Everything is about Stefan Engel, author of only the finest books about Maoism! I regret stepping down from my chair position, if this is how you’re all going to treat me.”

“And I’m being told he’s not even really a Maoist? What a joke country Austria is, that they don’t even check the prolific analytical output of any given Marxist prior to discussing them in the news media. That would make sense in an English-speaking country, where your Marxists read and write about as much Marxist theory as your average fascist, but we expect a higher standard here in Germany,” concluded the livid Bavarian, with the same completely not-nationalist drunken tone that Marx used over a century prior.

Response from one of Germany’s wildly inferior western neighbours was similarly swift, with the Philippine-origin Jose Maria Sison holding a press conference noting that it was “beyond dispute” that he was “the most famous and best Maoist in the world today”, and that his exclusion from consideration in the German-language press doubtless reflected the “typical German obsession with race” simply because of his “Asian origins”.

The TKP-ML itself felt compelled to issue a statement, denying any “organic connection” to “the alleged individual known as Max Zirngast”. The statement did however attempt to reach a point of solidarity with the embattled Austrian, stating that “the people of Dersim feel a deep connection to the people of Hatay, for whom Zirngast is a symbol of hope”, and that further “the bogus terror charges which MİT throws out will never be remembered as anything more than the desperate cries of a doomed fascist regime”, and finally that “like Max Zirngast, the TKP-ML is a legitimate political party which, in a people’s democracy, will finally be allowed to speak“.

Max Zirngast could not be reached for comment, as he was unavoidably detained with urgent business on behalf of his girlfriend/owner, involving the latter’s foot being lodged deep in Zirngast’s mouth, where it belongs.

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The Future: Max Zirngast

ANKARA – As the international revolutionary movement is already aware, as they all keep their eyes on Turkey at all times for the slightest development in that country, Max Zirngast was acquitted on September the 11th, 2019, of all of the trumped up charges which were collected to slander him since his initial detention on September the 11th, 2018.

No longer facing a ban on leaving the country as he has since he was initially freed, this heroic foreign socialist who actually learned proper Turkish, unlike all the others, is now free to go wherever he wants. One of our Ankara correspondents sat down with the intrepid Austrian to figure out what his plans are, and what the class implications of those plans are:

WS: Congratulations on being found innocent of being a member of a terrorist organisation, and thus returning to the ranks of ordinary non-AKP supporters [AKP’s note: this still constitutes a kind a terrorist]. With such a high-profile career in hypothetical terror, perhaps you have some unique insight into the anti-terror legislation in Turkey?

MZ: Definitely, I do. Principally, as you can imagine, the worst thing about the existing anti-terror legislation is that there’s nothing in it preventing Turkish authorities from arbitrarily detaining and arresting me, Max Zirngast. I would say that if Turkey had any commitment to democratic norms, they would follow the example of the European bourgeois democracies and include in all anti-terror legislation stipulations regarding the innocence of Max Zirngast.

WS: Definitely, there’s a campaign the international movement can get behind. But what do you have to say about the thousands of other democrats, progressives, leftists, socialists, and especially the Kurds who have been jailed by the Turkish state?

MZ: I think they are all very nice guys. Probably we should free them, too.

WS: So given the current situation in Turkey and your status as a foreigner, it’s probably pretty unclear whether or not you’ll stay. If you are able to remain in Ankara, what would your plans be?

MZ: Well naturally I was planning to enter legal politics, become elected President of Turkey, and rule via an increasingly paranoid Twitter account. But just before my day in court, I got started with the Twitter megalomania, and I found myself tweeting all sorts of things like “the Turkish deep state is too WEAK to hold ME, Max Zirngast! Their FAKE LEGAL SYSTEM is just the product of a series of 20TH CENTURY IMPERIALIST-BACKED COUPS. Sad!”; and “I have a bunch of GREAT IDEAS for ABOLISHING THE COMMODITY FORM, give up on CROOKED TAYYIP and choose me as your all-dominating dictatorial patriarch figure, Turks!”, and you know, does the world really need more of that?

So instead I’ll probably open a bakery and sell vegan Apfelstrudel.

WS: Alright now, if, on the other hand, you are forced by circumstance to leave the paradise on Earth which is Ankara, where you have made so many friends in the socialist movement, would you have to start all over? Do you feel you have a future in left politics outside of Turkey, at this point?

MZ: Do I have a future in left politics? Baby, I am the future of left politics. What you should be asking yourself is if anyone will pay attention to Turkey, and all of your struggles and organisations and mass movements and so forth when I, Max Zirngast, have gone. If I go back to Austria, maybe the Austrian left will become good. If I go to Germany, I plan to surpass Stefan Engel. If I go to Switzerland or Liechtenstein, maybe I can figure out why you guys are so obsessed with these stupid countries, which frankly just take up space in our region.

To be honest I have to take a break and go back to Austria either way. My owner, herself a Turkish socialist woman, is a big fan of Worker’s Spatula and your socialist matriarchy line. She wants to start a man harem of Austrian studs like myself, and as such I have to please mistress. But after that, she and I and the others might go any number of places, depending on the political conditions, and you can expect that wherever we are is where the action is gonna be.

WS: Very nice. Expecting great things from you, Max Zirngast. Any final thoughts for our remaining five readers [Editor’s note: now that Facebook is refusing to put our WordPress pieces in anyone’s feed]?

MZ: I don’t know. Tell the workers and oppressed that I think they’d make a cute couple or something. Seviyorsalar gitsinler konuşsunlar bence.

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Fightback Guerrillas Killed in Clashes with RCMP

TORONTO – Canadian sources are reeling at the news of multiple deaths in shoot-outs between Canadian state forces and guerrilla units claimed to be affiliated with the local IMT organisation Fightback, who have apparently gone full Mahir Çayan while no one was paying attention.

At least six guerrillas died in the initial clash with the RCMP, while two of the Mounties are reported dead, apparently killed in an explosion when the guerrillas launched a rocket-propelled grenade at the RCMP vehicle at the beginning of the clash.

A statement released by the “Proletarian Guerrilla Forces”, the group claiming responsibility for the attack, quoted Alan Woods extensively, and stated that the attack was carried out in retaliation for “the colonial authorities suppression of the national will of the Wet’suwet’en people”, and that they intended to “fulfill our vanguard role for the proletariat fighting for the liberation of all oppressed peoples in the prison-house of nations that is Canada”.

The bourgeois settler-colonialist Canadian state aims to keep the Indigenous nationalities in Bantustans, and the only force which can prevent this is the united militant action of the class conscious proletariat of all nationalities. In the final instance, the only means to liberate the oppressed Indigenous peoples of Canada is through proletarian revolution, which will take the form a mass insurrection which will shake the entire Canadian project to its core.

But as we prepare ourselves for the moment when the ruling classes are unable to rule in the old way––in the schools, in the unions, in the streets, everywhere the revolutionary proletariat is to be found––the most advanced sections of the Canadian proletariat must defend the proletariat in the internal colonies by any means necessary. The Canadian state must know this: from now on, their repression of the First Nations peoples will have real consequences.

Despite a denial issued by Fightback of any connection to the “Proletarian Guerrilla Forces”, mass arrests of Fightback-affiliated students and workers took place in the hours following the release of the PGF statement. In general, the arrests took place peacefully, with the Fightback cadres shouting slogans but offering no violent resistance. However, York University witnessed several violent clashes with the police, raising the body count of this week higher still.

One student, upon seeing the police approach her in the library, is reported to have screamed “clear out, clear out!” frantically to the surrounding students, who all ran away looking confused. As the police approached her, she is reported to have screamed “THIS PROBLEM CAN ONLY BE SOLVED BY BLOOD AND IRON!”, before detonating an explosive device which the forensics team have determined was kept in her backpack, taking three police officers with her. Her identity has not been revealed by York University authorities, but she is claimed to be one Shilpa Mudaliyar, a York University Economics PhD student who classmates describe as “prone to quoting Alan Woods”.

Another student, whose identity has also been concealed by York University authorities but who has been widely claimed following release of video of the arrest to be Owen Patrick, a Mathematician and known Fightback cadre at the school, was apprehended on his way home. The stony-faced Trotskyist shouted “WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE” repeatedly and sternly for the entirety of the video until he was forced into the back of a police vehicle. While the student was taken into custody peacefully, police have claimed that a stockpile of weapons was found in his residence.

Meanwhile, in the UK, Alan Woods was taken in for questioning by British authorities. A spokesperson for Mr. Woods has denied all charges of coordinating “terrorist violence”, dismissing the claims as “ludicrous”:

It is not even clear that Fightback itself is concretely linked with the Proletarian Guerrilla Forces, and neither take orders from Alan Woods personally. The fact that the PGF quoted Alan Woods in their statement is proof only of Alan Woods’s continuing popularity as one of the most critical Marxist voices of our time. The Canadian state and its international allies would do well to cease harassing Marxists and instead to come to an agreement with the Indigenous First Nations which would not provoke such unfortunate violence.

Responses from the various Maoist elements around the world has been mostly shock. The RCP-PCR of Canada were the first to issue a response, stating that “we must repeat, as Fightback themselves have stated, that claims of an armed wing of Fightback are nothing more than rumours which the state is exploiting to repress socialist activists, and those repeating them are objectively aiding the state in this campaign”, but that “it is clear from the PGF statement that they are in fact followers of Alan Woods, so, um… that’s unexpected, eh?”

The German MLPD released a rare public letter to a Trotskyite figure, inviting Alan Woods to come to Germany to “discuss those things that you’re definitely not doing”, “which is not to say you can join ICOR, because of the Trot thing, but still, we want to discuss some stuff with you”. Another ICOR affiliate, the Turkish and Kurdish Hoxhaite party MLKP released a statement claiming to have predicted the developments in Canada, stating that “if the revolutionary wave of the 1970s gave the Trots the PRT-ERP in Argentina, then of course today’s wave of revolution would produce Trotskyite militants on the other side of the American continent. We look forward to the PGF following the PRT-ERP’s path of abandoning Trotskyism in the coming months”.

Trots from various non-IMT traditions have all been united in condemning the violence in Canada as “adventurism” that, even if it leads to a revolution, “will probably degenerate anyway”.

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Happy Birthday, Joey Steel!

There are many reasons to defend the legacy of Comrade Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, also known as Joseph Stalin, Koba, Joey Steel, and more intimately, as Sam Steel. There are those who might emphasise his status as the last principled leader of the Soviet Union and the Bolshevik Communist Party which led the process of its construction. There are those who would defend his successful leadership during the darkest days of the anti-fascist struggle, ultimately emerging as the head of the anti-fascist front that would liberate the east of Germany from Hitlerite fascism and beating back the imperialist camp to the greatest extent since the October Revolution, a high water mark in the internationalisation of class struggle which was tragically never to be reached again thanks to the rise of modern revisionism and the Sino-Soviet split.

But on the occasion of his birthday, we want to emphasise a different side of Joey Steel. We want to emphasise that before becoming the face of the heights of organised struggle against capitalism-imperialism and all the ensuing controversies of the great struggle to reshape human society beyond capitalism, beyond profits, beyond exploitation… before there was even a Soviet Union… even before he was organising militias to separate out intercommunal violence in Baku and robbing banks… before he was Koba, he was an ordinary person like any of us. He was a member of an oppressed nationality under the Tsarist empire (the Georgians), he was impoverished, he suffered from abuse from his alcoholic father, and he contracted smallpox. From such humble beginnings, any single one of us can become a figure of greatness like Joseph Stalin.

But there is one thing about the personage of the young Stalin which makes him drastically different to most readers: he was fit as fuck, and could absolutely get it, any time, any place, no questions asked.

Look at that gorgeous example of Georgian manhood. Mm-mm, comrades. Mm-mm. Before he became a typical Caucasian uncle (which, if that’s your type, no judgement), Joey Steel looked like he could really lay down some steel, if you know what I’m saying.

Marxism-Leninism.

We like to imagine sexy young Stalin was always hooking up with the other lads in his seminary, and was known as much for his beautiful singing voice as being pleasantly girthy. Not too girthy, you understand. Not enough to the point where it looks weird. Just girthy enough that you can tell just by looking that it’s got some heft.

Whew. Going to need a minute here. You all listen to this song from the “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference while I uh… take care of some stuff:

 

So uh… yes. Happy birthday to Joseph Stalin, and to all the sexy enemies of Trotskyism, opportunism and modern revisionism, the world over.

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Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?

Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sandersbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar “left”-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

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Human Nature Discovered

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism

Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

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Shock as DSA Establishes Fraternal Relations with CPC

NEW YORK CITY/TWITTER: The US left is reeling in the aftermath of DSA’s announcement that, following their decision to leave the so-called “Socialist International”, they have established fraternal relations with the revisionist Communist Party of China.

“After internal debate, we are entering into fraternal relations with our comrades of the CPC. Socialist China is a beacon to the world and a shining example of what we want to establish in America, only without going through the tankie Maoist phase,” said DSA spokesperson and self described “Dengist Harringtonite” Brendan O’Grady.

“We want Socialism with Chinese Characteristics, only instead it’s Socialism with American Characteristics. There’s no real difference between the two, only instead of mass unemployment and environmental degradation being masked by singing ‘March of the Volunteers’, we’ll sing ‘This Land is Your Land’” added O’Grady.

The Revolutionary Organisation of Labor, the US ICOR affiliate and chief source of Marxist entryism into the DSA, released the following statement:

At the current stage, we have to accept this embrace of Chinese revisionism as a step forwards for the proletariat of the US (North) oppressor nation. Viewing Chinese social imperialism as a model deserves harsh criticism, but the objective conditions are such that anything that can stand in the way of warmongering against the DPRK is progressive. Further, it is our hope that by passing through the Three Worlds Theory, we might eventually be able to steer the DSA towards Marxism-Leninism.

But let’s give the kids some credit, they’re moving pretty quick. They’re kicking out cops and they support Chokwe Antar Lumumba. Remember when we thought the best we could hope for was Sanders?

Less critical self-identified Marxist-Leninists in the US, particularly those found on Twitter, were thrown into confusion by these developments, which pitted their uncritical love of red flags against their uncritical hatred of practical politics in their own country:

“DSA is a bunch of petty bourgeois cop lovers! How could they support China? How could China support them?” asked a confused @BeriasT34.

“DSA has broken with imperialism. Long live DSA, long live Socialist China” @NKVDfan replied, adding a rose emoji to his Twitter name.

“It’s another psyop, everything’s a psyop,” opined @DaddyStalin.

“Except me”, he hastily added in a follow-up tweet.

At time of press, the Bolşevik Parti of Turkey and North Kurdistan (one of the country’s three ICOR affiliates) had released a twenty-page analysis of the DSA and the YDS, comparing the former to TİP and the RSDLP, and the latter to DevGenç and the Bolsheviki. The long screed ended by imploring the “rebel youth” of the DSA to send a representative to meet them in Germany to coordinate declarations. Fellow Turkish ICOR affiliate TİKB have reportedly sent an enquiry to the YDS Twitter page enquiring about coordinating armed struggle.

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Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in accusations of “reverse racism”.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.