“Max Zirngast Maoist or Something” –BVT

VIENNA, MAY ALLAH HAVE MERCY UPON US ALL, WE’RE BACK IN VIENNA – As is now widely known across the German-speaking world, the Austrian BVT (Counterterrorism Office), not content to merely collaborate with the Turkish state’s farcical case against Turkish TÖP cadre and their friend Max Zirngast, apparently decided to commit the much-greater crime of mixing up unrelated factions of the Turkish left.

Yes, not only was Max’s closeness while in Ankara to TÖP understood as a real link to the “TKP/K” even though the latter organisation’s actual existence is in doubt according to previous Turkish court cases, but the Liechtenstein-backed puppet government in Vienna decided that “TKP/K” was some varient of the TKP-ML, and therefore that TÖP has an armed wing engaging in Maoist people’s war: TİKKO.

While allegedly Max Zirngast is no longer being investigated for his alleged alleged alleged alleged links to TİKKO, the story represented a huge scandal not only in the alleged left scene in Austria, but across Europe including in countries which actually matter. Following German-language press briefly referring to Zirngast as “Europe’s most famous contemporary Maoist”, Maoists in other German-speaking countries took issue with the breadth of this claim:

“Europe’s most famous?” asked an incredulous Stefan Engel, grabbing hold of the nearest television camera in a Marx-level drunken rage at 7 AM, local time. “Maybe Austria, sure. But how can you ignore Stefan Engel? Everything is about Stefan Engel, author of only the finest books about Maoism! I regret stepping down from my chair position, if this is how you’re all going to treat me.”

“And I’m being told he’s not even really a Maoist? What a joke country Austria is, that they don’t even check the prolific analytical output of any given Marxist prior to discussing them in the news media. That would make sense in an English-speaking country, where your Marxists read and write about as much Marxist theory as your average fascist, but we expect a higher standard here in Germany,” concluded the livid Bavarian, with the same completely not-nationalist drunken tone that Marx used over a century prior.

Response from one of Germany’s wildly inferior western neighbours was similarly swift, with the Philippine-origin Jose Maria Sison holding a press conference noting that it was “beyond dispute” that he was “the most famous and best Maoist in the world today”, and that his exclusion from consideration in the German-language press doubtless reflected the “typical German obsession with race” simply because of his “Asian origins”.

The TKP-ML itself felt compelled to issue a statement, denying any “organic connection” to “the alleged individual known as Max Zirngast”. The statement did however attempt to reach a point of solidarity with the embattled Austrian, stating that “the people of Dersim feel a deep connection to the people of Hatay, for whom Zirngast is a symbol of hope”, and that further “the bogus terror charges which MİT throws out will never be remembered as anything more than the desperate cries of a doomed fascist regime”, and finally that “like Max Zirngast, the TKP-ML is a legitimate political party which, in a people’s democracy, will finally be allowed to speak“.

Max Zirngast could not be reached for comment, as he was unavoidably detained with urgent business on behalf of his girlfriend/owner, involving the latter’s foot being lodged deep in Zirngast’s mouth, where it belongs.

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Dialectics “R” Us Speaks on the Duterte Situation

UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Joma Sison, retired writer and passionate hobby gardener, contemplatively asks our WS correspondent, before continuing without waiting for an answer: “The short version of what Duterte is doing is: dialectics, dialectics, dialectics.

“Now, the long version is that he is diving into the manure of contradictions, which you have to do in realpolitik, and thus he is engaging in a dialectical politics with regard to Sino-American relations. And since dialectics is Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought – and we might add: Sisonism – he is displaying exemplary politics that should be supported by the CPP and the NDF.

“Not that I have any say in those organisations, but if I had, I would advise them to support him in his dialectical method. The Pilipino people are by their very nature dialectical thinkers and thus supporters of Mao Zedong Thought–Sisonism. Thus, the Pilipino people will support Duterte’s dialectics, but since – dialectically – this dialectic is basically the politics of the CPP it is safe to say that the CPP is actually in power in the Pilippines. This is the unique genius of Sisonism. Me – MABUHAY!”

Other voices were less enthusiastic about the confused statements of Rodrigo Duterte and the response of the Maoist government of the Philippines to this. Stefan Engel, the only person that can issue orders to God, responded to our request for a statement thus:

“Look, this is crap. If a guy like Duterte can confuse them, they should consider giving up. I was going to say they should join the fight in Kurdistan, where the enemy is clear. But then I think about the complex manoeuvring in Syria and Iraq between rival imperialist blocs, they’d just find some way to screw it up. So now I think they should collectively buy a massive garden in the Netherlands, which is basically Germany’s garden, and work on that.

“But hey, Joma will always be welcome in my official ICOR basement when Manny Pacquiao is on.”

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

Joint Statement by the German Left Denouncing “Adventurism”

BERLIN – At a press conference in Berlin today, several organisations of the German left came together to release a joint statement denouncing “adventurism”. In an unprecedented case of left unity, the German Communist Party (DKP), Die Linke (The Left), the movementist Interventionistische Linke, as well as various Trotskyist groups denounced every attempt of using militancy in pursuing socialism. “It just doesn’t work,” said the DKP representative at the press conference. “I mean, have you seen a successful revolution in Germany throughout the last decades? No, you haven’t. So we’ve got to end this and find a new strategy.”

The spokeswoman of Interventionistische Linke added: “We fully agree with our slightly Stalinist comrade. Or were they bureaucratic reformists? It doesn’t matter, we are now objectively on the same side. See, we have seen all these protest movements in Southern Europe that turned violent. We get it, the people are angry, as they are impoverished by German politics. But they can’t simply attack police officers or occupy open squares. At the same time, we cannot simply confront the German state because of its politics. I mean, there is democracy here, so we have to participate in elections and hope the German people elect us, so we can end austerity politics. Sorry, friends in the South, these are the rules.”

Upon being asked if the Interventionistische Linke wasn’t in fact a movement-oriented organisation that did not particularly focus on electoral politics, she responded: “Sure, that’s the historical subjective difference, but there’s no objective difference between what we are and leftist groups that don’t get elected. So you know, we just follow trends now. For example: ever since Syriza, we’ve decided we want to be the German Syriza. Our members are all presently working on modifying their appearance and mannerisms to resemble Tsipras. We’ve already got the bad English down, now we’re raising money for plastic surgery so that all our members, men and women, will physically resemble him.”

Further statements from other groups were scarce. Katja Kipping, co-chair of Die Linke said: “Our politics have always been non-confrontational and cowardly, so this isn’t really a new position for us. We love calling everyone ‘adventurist’. We have nothing to add.” While a joint delegate of various Trotskyist groups added: “We, as Trotskyists, are always with the people. The German people today are in their great majority boring petty bourgeois hacks. And so are we.”

After the press conference a small tumult broke out among the Trotskyist groups, because while the one delegate was speaking as agreed upon by all the other groups, several groups changed their minds about the proper procedure. After the fight (itself repeatedly condemned as “adventurist” by its participants while they were delivering blows to their rivals), the representative of NAO (New Anticapitalist Organisation) spoke to us: “No, we all agreed on the message. But we discussed who should present it up until the very last minute. Then the press conference began and we sent the one guy up, but continued discussing the procedure backstage, per our understanding of democratic centralism. That’s how the confusion arose.” Asked if the issue had now been settled once and for all, he responded: “I really doubt it, that wouldn’t be consistent with our overall political line.”

Stefan Engel, the leader of the MLPD, the only notable absent figure of the left in Germany, said the following while drinking in a Bavarian beerhouse with one of our correspondents: “You know what Lenin said about German revolutionaries, right? About how they buy a ticket before occupying a train station? Well, there you have it. The only alternative is my party, the MLPD, and that the downtrodden German peasants will recognise the correctness of our line and join our ranks in masses. We are just months away from declaring an open protracted people’s war on the German state.”

International reactions to the shocking announcement were mixed. A joint response by Marxist parties from Turkey including EMEP, BDSP, Devrimci Parti, SYKP, SODAP and TÖPG read: “Fuck the German left.” The MKP, TKP/ML, Bolşevik Parti, TİKB, and MLKP issued a separate statement that noted it was in full agreement with the aforementioned statement while adding the caveat: “Except the MLPD and our comrade Stefan Engel, the only hope for the fucking Germans.”

Joma Sison, founder of the Communist Party of the Philippines, released a video message on his Facebook page in which he spoke for approximately 15 minutes about Chairman Mao and the great struggle of the CPP-NPA before asking the viewer “So, what was the topic of my message again?” Answering himself, he said: “That’s right, the Germans have done it again. They are Germans, what else is there to say? My good friend Stefan Engel is German and he is not German, but an internationalist at the same time. That is why he is not like them. Also note that this is a prime example of Maoist dialectics.”

Sison then repeated the word “dialectics” intermittently every few seconds for two minutes before the video abruptly stopped.

Didi Zach of the Communist Party of Austria (KPÖ) addressed the issue at his 11 o’clock beer breakfast, where he stated: “We feel a little bit insulted. Why did they not ask us to participate? I am absolutely sure that we would have managed to create a wonderful alliance representing Greater Germany on this issue. I mean, ‘the German speaking world’, or how do you say that these days? You know what? Let’s go with ‘Greater Germany’. After all, our sole mission is to expel everything the old KPÖ stood for from our party and as it was the only party defending the Austrian nation against the ‘Greater Germany’ concept, I think that’s the concept we’ll follow.”