DHKP-C Claims Responsibility for Attack, Maybe

ISTANBUL – Following an armed attack on the Dolmabahçe Palace in Istanbul yesterday that left the two assailants and one police officer dead, the Revolutionary People’s Liberation Party-Front (DHKP-C) has issued three statements within 2 hours. In its first statement, the DHKP-C claimed responsibility for the attack and hailed the militants as revolutionaries fighting against the dark forces of imperialism and the fascist AKP government, sacrificing their lives for the revolution.

Approximately 35 minutes later, the party issued a second statement saying that there had been a miscommunication and apparently the assailants were not members of the party, but of some right wing or Islamist reactionary paramilitary group. “Honestly, we’re a bit confused as well,” said a masked party spokesperson who appeared in a video message and goes by the name of “Haydar Ali”.

“I mean, there are so many different groups in Turkey carrying out armed attacks right now. Most of those actions are completely meaningless anyway, including our own. But how are we supposed to tell if it was our own people or not? We were planning an attack at the same place on the same day. We urge the fascist AKP government to provide an official registry in every municipality, so that various groups can register themselves for attacks and confusion can be avoided.”

Following the second statement by about an hour, “Haydar Ali” issued yet another video message. “All right, I know, don’t say anything, but, well… So we have learnt that it might have been our people after all. The downside of our tactical line is that our people are mostly dead afterwards, so no one can ask them which organisation they support. We had to launch an investigation into what happened. There is still no conclusive evidence, but as the attack was completely meaningless, unnecessary and unsuccessful, a secret party committee concluded that it probably was our people who carried it out. In other words, we celebrate the martyrs who carried out this heroic act against fascism in their unwavering struggle for the people.”

Sources close to the legal fronts of the party said that there is quite a bit of discontent within the party ranks. Most agreed that if a fourth statement were to be released, it might start to be a bit embarrassing. As a precautionary measure, it has apparently been decided to blame any future development that would diverge significantly from their last message on propaganda by the fascist state. Another source said: “See, they always accuse our party of lacking a theoretical basis, but we even issued three statements on the attack in the form of thesis – antithesis – synthesis. In this one can see our mastery of the dialectical method invented by the great Anatolian revolutionary Mahir Çayan.” Upon being corrected with regard to the source of the dialectical method, the anonymous source responded: “Oh, leave us alone with all these imperialists and their degenerated culture. Some guy from Germany might have said something about dialectics, but did he know how to play the saz? All the theory we need stems from our Anatolian soil and from the people who grew up in Anatolia. Just listen to the poems of Pir Sultan Abdal – that’s all the dialectics we need.”

MLPD leader and chairman of the board of Ermen and Engel, a corporation formed through a hostile takeover of Ermen and Engels, Stefan Engel commented on these events from his holiday in Istanbul. Our reporters were able to get a brief statement from him in a traditional hamam. “See, this is why they’re not in ICOR. ‘Nuff said. Oh, and of course, they have not managed to create an interactive time-line of the life of their ideological leader Dursun Karataş. You know, like the one I have on my personal homepage. You should really take a look at it.”

Former Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras reportedly was impressed with the tactics of the DHKP-C. His barber quoted him as saying: “This is what we should have done. I mean, not the armed attacks necessarily, but all these attempts at confusing everyone, including oneself. We tried so hard, but the Germans are like teflon.”

Alper Taş, co-chair of the ÖDP, insisted we print this statement: “If they’re going to be an ineffectual, quasi-Marxist, ex-DEV-YOL cult, they should at least do so peacefully, like we do.”

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Declares People’s War on CPBG-ML, Chaos Ensues

CARDIFF – Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, a small Maoist group based in Wales, advocating Welsh national liberation and socialism, today began their long-promised “anti-colonial struggle” with a bombing of a CPBG-ML march in Cardiff, itself directed against South Korean aggression against the DPRK.

Three were killed and eleven injured.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr released a statement within an hour of the bombing, claiming responsibility and confirming CPGB-ML as their intended target, chosen for their “Brezhnevite deformation of Maoist theory” and their “denial of the existence of a Welsh nation”.

Harpal Brar, chairman of the CPGB-ML, promptly responded by labelling Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr “South Korean agents”, “bourgeois Welsh nationalists”, and “worst of all, just generally Welsh.”

In response to the bombing, the Spartacist League of Britain staged a demonstration in support of the CPGB(ML), declaring them victims of “imperialist aggression against the deformed worker’s state in North Korea.”

Known cunt David Aaronovitch immediately responded by calling on Jeremy Corbyn to issue condemnations of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and the Spartacist League, alleging that Corbyn possessed “worrying” connections to both: The Spartacist League had sold newspapers outside a Palestinian Solidarity Campaign event where Corbyn was speaking, while Corbyn’s connection to Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr was alleged on the grounds that “if Corbyn supports the IRA, surely he supports Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr.”

“And they’re all anti-Semites”, added Aaronovitch.

Corbyn promptly responded by accusing both Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and CPGB-ML of “Maoist revisionism” and “collaboration with imperialism”, and ordering defence drills to be carried out in the Islington bunkers.

George Galloway, who was intercepted by one of our correspondents as he was returning from an important cigar-buying errand, praised Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr for “irritating the Zionist stooge Aaronovitch”, but reiterated that he, like CPGB-ML, considers the Welsh “annoying and stupid, no matter what they do.”