“Max Zirngast Maoist or Something” –BVT

VIENNA, MAY ALLAH HAVE MERCY UPON US ALL, WE’RE BACK IN VIENNA – As is now widely known across the German-speaking world, the Austrian BVT (Counterterrorism Office), not content to merely collaborate with the Turkish state’s farcical case against Turkish TÖP cadre and their friend Max Zirngast, apparently decided to commit the much-greater crime of mixing up unrelated factions of the Turkish left.

Yes, not only was Max’s closeness while in Ankara to TÖP understood as a real link to the “TKP/K” even though the latter organisation’s actual existence is in doubt according to previous Turkish court cases, but the Liechtenstein-backed puppet government in Vienna decided that “TKP/K” was some varient of the TKP-ML, and therefore that TÖP has an armed wing engaging in Maoist people’s war: TİKKO.

While allegedly Max Zirngast is no longer being investigated for his alleged alleged alleged alleged links to TİKKO, the story represented a huge scandal not only in the alleged left scene in Austria, but across Europe including in countries which actually matter. Following German-language press briefly referring to Zirngast as “Europe’s most famous contemporary Maoist”, Maoists in other German-speaking countries took issue with the breadth of this claim:

“Europe’s most famous?” asked an incredulous Stefan Engel, grabbing hold of the nearest television camera in a Marx-level drunken rage at 7 AM, local time. “Maybe Austria, sure. But how can you ignore Stefan Engel? Everything is about Stefan Engel, author of only the finest books about Maoism! I regret stepping down from my chair position, if this is how you’re all going to treat me.”

“And I’m being told he’s not even really a Maoist? What a joke country Austria is, that they don’t even check the prolific analytical output of any given Marxist prior to discussing them in the news media. That would make sense in an English-speaking country, where your Marxists read and write about as much Marxist theory as your average fascist, but we expect a higher standard here in Germany,” concluded the livid Bavarian, with the same completely not-nationalist drunken tone that Marx used over a century prior.

Response from one of Germany’s wildly inferior western neighbours was similarly swift, with the Philippine-origin Jose Maria Sison holding a press conference noting that it was “beyond dispute” that he was “the most famous and best Maoist in the world today”, and that his exclusion from consideration in the German-language press doubtless reflected the “typical German obsession with race” simply because of his “Asian origins”.

The TKP-ML itself felt compelled to issue a statement, denying any “organic connection” to “the alleged individual known as Max Zirngast”. The statement did however attempt to reach a point of solidarity with the embattled Austrian, stating that “the people of Dersim feel a deep connection to the people of Hatay, for whom Zirngast is a symbol of hope”, and that further “the bogus terror charges which MİT throws out will never be remembered as anything more than the desperate cries of a doomed fascist regime”, and finally that “like Max Zirngast, the TKP-ML is a legitimate political party which, in a people’s democracy, will finally be allowed to speak“.

Max Zirngast could not be reached for comment, as he was unavoidably detained with urgent business on behalf of his girlfriend/owner, involving the latter’s foot being lodged deep in Zirngast’s mouth, where it belongs.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Max Zirngast Returns to Austria

VIENNA, GOD HELP US ALL – Max Zirngast, the stoic and persecuted leader of the Turkish, Kurdish, and Arab revolutions, the Karl Marx of our time, the German-speaking socialist with the greatest amassed personal wealth since Friedrich Engels, the Lenin in the streets, Stalin in the sheets of the Alps, has made good on his threat to return to his trash homeland to discuss pressing issues related to the international revolutionary movement.

But Worker’s Spatula have helpfully intervened and revealed lurid details of his sex life to the Austrian bourgeois press, so that’s all anyone’s asking him about.

[CW: fuckin’]

Oh yeah, baby. You knew you could count on Worker’s Spatula to subvert a potentially helpful discussion about the connection between EU imperialism’s decay and the slide to fascism and the manifold contradictions in Foşik TC––a discussion about refugee policy (such as the “guest” policy of the AKP-MHP regime which allows the state to change policy towards the Syrians on a whim and its connection to the EU’s internal “open borders” and fierce external borders; which naturally connects to the spectre of Islamism raised by EU regimes who themselves support the most retrograde and violent Islamists through the Turkish state’s regional policies); a discussion about the ongoing global economic crisis (and the connections between austerity in EU states and the ongoing semi-colonial super-exploitation in Turkey and Kurdistan in particular); a discussion about militarism and imperialist warmongering––with lurid sex talk.

Sorry Max, we respect you a great deal as an internationalist, as a socialist, as a theorist, but the people want to know about your sex life.

Having leaked juicy details of freaky late night Ankara orgies to the Austrian press, Max Zirngast was swamped at the airport by a veritable detachment of reporters eager to know if the rumours of his considerable size and stamina were true, if he “swings both ways” and if he’s “into bears”, and if he indeed had experience arranging multiple considerate and capable man lovers for socialist women for a night of critical passion, and if so, if he charged for such services if the women in question were Austrian reporters with no particular political commitments.

“You know, I talked to a lot of Syrian refugee children in Ankara, and basically, these kids are not even being sent to school. This should be of particular interest to people here in the EU, given Erdoğan’s use of the refugees as a negotiating chip with the EU. If you would just…” Zirngast attempted to articulate, before being cut off by a woman who had spent all night downing shots with two Spatula correspondents and giggling about Zirngast’s performance in the bedroom:

“Do Turkish women care about the fact that you’re not circumcised, Max?” ejaculated the reporter, still visibly drunk, pointing the microphone towards the ground.

“Max, can you teach me your ways?” asked a young Austrian man interning for a bourgeois press outlet who asked that we not print their name.

“If you mean, can I teach you about Lenin’s theory of imperialism. Absolutely. Basically the idea is that, as capitalism develops, it penetrates different markets…”

“I BET IT DOES!” shouted another reporter, causing the entire assembled press corps to fill the airport arrival hall with laughter so loud that it drowned out a bomb threat warning.

“Really?” asked a confounded Zirngast. “This is your best and brightest, Austria? This is your journalistic integrity?

I had more intellectually serious discussions in Turkish prison, and I was at one point trapped in a cell with an ISIS militant. People are dying. The environment is rapidly being destroyed to a point where we might not be able to inhabit it. Turkish people are fighting for their most basic democratic rights while they’re being torn from our hands step by step in Europe. This system is not sustainable, and its consequences are quite serious for each and every one of us.

I’m not trying to overstate my importance here, but I’m coming to you with an insider’s perspective on a society you’ve all been concerned with, even if for selfish reasons, for decades. I’m here to explain to you what stands in the way of these people’s liberation, and what we can learn from it about our own common future.

I’m trying to offer a different, frankly optimistic, perspective in what appears at first glance to be hopeless times. This has value both in terms of journalism and in terms of its policy implications, and if you look at all of this philosophically, it has implications for the direction of human history.

And all you want to talk about is my penis?

Silence fell over the crowd for a full thirty seconds. The assembled press workers turned red and stared at their nervously shuffling feet, until one young Austrian woman of Turkish background looked up, eyes bright with realisation:

“He’s right, lift up your shirt so we can see those prison abs!”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

The Future: Max Zirngast

ANKARA – As the international revolutionary movement is already aware, as they all keep their eyes on Turkey at all times for the slightest development in that country, Max Zirngast was acquitted on September the 11th, 2019, of all of the trumped up charges which were collected to slander him since his initial detention on September the 11th, 2018.

No longer facing a ban on leaving the country as he has since he was initially freed, this heroic foreign socialist who actually learned proper Turkish, unlike all the others, is now free to go wherever he wants. One of our Ankara correspondents sat down with the intrepid Austrian to figure out what his plans are, and what the class implications of those plans are:

WS: Congratulations on being found innocent of being a member of a terrorist organisation, and thus returning to the ranks of ordinary non-AKP supporters [AKP’s note: this still constitutes a kind a terrorist]. With such a high-profile career in hypothetical terror, perhaps you have some unique insight into the anti-terror legislation in Turkey?

MZ: Definitely, I do. Principally, as you can imagine, the worst thing about the existing anti-terror legislation is that there’s nothing in it preventing Turkish authorities from arbitrarily detaining and arresting me, Max Zirngast. I would say that if Turkey had any commitment to democratic norms, they would follow the example of the European bourgeois democracies and include in all anti-terror legislation stipulations regarding the innocence of Max Zirngast.

WS: Definitely, there’s a campaign the international movement can get behind. But what do you have to say about the thousands of other democrats, progressives, leftists, socialists, and especially the Kurds who have been jailed by the Turkish state?

MZ: I think they are all very nice guys. Probably we should free them, too.

WS: So given the current situation in Turkey and your status as a foreigner, it’s probably pretty unclear whether or not you’ll stay. If you are able to remain in Ankara, what would your plans be?

MZ: Well naturally I was planning to enter legal politics, become elected President of Turkey, and rule via an increasingly paranoid Twitter account. But just before my day in court, I got started with the Twitter megalomania, and I found myself tweeting all sorts of things like “the Turkish deep state is too WEAK to hold ME, Max Zirngast! Their FAKE LEGAL SYSTEM is just the product of a series of 20TH CENTURY IMPERIALIST-BACKED COUPS. Sad!”; and “I have a bunch of GREAT IDEAS for ABOLISHING THE COMMODITY FORM, give up on CROOKED TAYYIP and choose me as your all-dominating dictatorial patriarch figure, Turks!”, and you know, does the world really need more of that?

So instead I’ll probably open a bakery and sell vegan Apfelstrudel.

WS: Alright now, if, on the other hand, you are forced by circumstance to leave the paradise on Earth which is Ankara, where you have made so many friends in the socialist movement, would you have to start all over? Do you feel you have a future in left politics outside of Turkey, at this point?

MZ: Do I have a future in left politics? Baby, I am the future of left politics. What you should be asking yourself is if anyone will pay attention to Turkey, and all of your struggles and organisations and mass movements and so forth when I, Max Zirngast, have gone. If I go back to Austria, maybe the Austrian left will become good. If I go to Germany, I plan to surpass Stefan Engel. If I go to Switzerland or Liechtenstein, maybe I can figure out why you guys are so obsessed with these stupid countries, which frankly just take up space in our region.

To be honest I have to take a break and go back to Austria either way. My owner, herself a Turkish socialist woman, is a big fan of Worker’s Spatula and your socialist matriarchy line. She wants to start a man harem of Austrian studs like myself, and as such I have to please mistress. But after that, she and I and the others might go any number of places, depending on the political conditions, and you can expect that wherever we are is where the action is gonna be.

WS: Very nice. Expecting great things from you, Max Zirngast. Any final thoughts for our remaining five readers [Editor’s note: now that Facebook is refusing to put our WordPress pieces in anyone’s feed]?

MZ: I don’t know. Tell the workers and oppressed that I think they’d make a cute couple or something. Seviyorsalar gitsinler konuşsunlar bence.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

 

Max Zirngast Free, Disappointed in You

ANKARA – International hero of of the toiling masses and already designated Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2019 Max Zirngast has broken his silence after his release from Turkish Prison via the website triple-double-u period Twitter dot com. As noted Right Hegelian trendsetter Donald Trump has made Twitter the official source of all information, Left Hegelians like Comrade Max Zirngast have taken to the site to shout the truth to the heavens.

In his first tweet, Zirngast stated that he is “very glad to finally be recognised as the hero of the masses that I have always been. The masses are great, I just love them”. Following this initial affirmation of populism, the expected and extremely dialectical negation in the form of criticism followed, with Zirngast characterising the support he received from the masses in Turkey as “disappointing and insufficient”:

The fact that only I and some TÖP people were freed shows how much the masses in Turkey have frankly been slacking off. Freeing me was the easy part. Not only are tens of thousands still trapped in Turkish prisons, but this prison regime continues to stand. What about revolution, eh masses? When are you going to make one of those? Frankly, the least I could ask for, that my release be celebrated by the storming of a couple of government buildings, was not realised. SAD.

Subsequent tweets from the newly freed Austrian took credit for the “Yellow Jackets or WASPs or whatever, the French ones,” who were “clearly inspired to take to the streets by my own personal courage and leadership.”

Asked by a local Worker’s Spatula correspondent about who else he was disappointed in, Zirngast responded:

Who am I not disappointed in? EMEP, the ESP, Alınteri… all the Hoxhaites, and even more than them, the Maoists. Oh, the IWW, ICOR, and especially the readers of Worker’s Spatula. None of you have shouldered the weight of my revolutionary responsibilities while I was in prison, and none of you did enough to free me. None of you are as brave as me, either, or you would have been in prison with me. Frankly, the DSA and the Austrian state are bolder than most of the internet left reading this.

Regarding the motives for the Austrian state in helping to secure his release, Zirngast responded: “Obviously, every state has its own class interests. For my own rubbish homeland, the state’s hand was absolutely forced by the spectre of socialist revolution in Austria itself. Word got to us in Sincan that barricades were already being prepared in Viennese social housing projects in preparation and the call to arms was to take place on January 12th, my birthday. Only freeing me could take the pressure off.” Asked about his sources for this information he referenced “various Twitter personalities, the comments section of left-wing news sites, you know, all the most credible sources.” Concluding his remarks on the possibility of a Viennese insurrection, Zirngast was quoted as saying:

I don’t know all the details of this call to arms, since this information was being delivered to me in censored missives in a Turkish prison. But I think that I would not be going too far if I were to say that my prison letters served as the coded orders followed by guerrilla cells from Vienna to Innsbruck.

Regarding the question of what he has been up to since his release, Zirngast said:

Mostly what anyone would do in a similar situation, you know? Whenever you are released from prison, or start graduate school, or finish graduate school, or drop out of graduate school, or get elected President of the United States, your mentality is basically the same: you are overwhelmed at first and you have trouble adjusting yourself to the new circumstances. So you read Adorno, wander around at home in an open bathrobe, and randomly harass people on Twitter. It’s a solid, time-tested strategy, and it’s been serving me well.

Asked what he missed most about prison, his answer–given without hesitation–was “not having to read or be in any way reminded of the existence of Worker’s Spatula.”

[Note: shortly following the publication of our article, it was announced that Max Zirngast had been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Revolutionary Leftism, with a Nobel Committee representative stating that “he’s a shoe-in, everyone agreed that he is second only to Spartacus himself on the list of historical heroes resisting oppressive rule”.]

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Turkish State Refuses Offer of Sam Kriss Prisoner Swap

VIENNA – As various observers of Turkish politics continue to speculate as to whether, when, and how the Turkish authorities will return to the negotiating table with the PKK in these tumultuous times, all have been blindsided by the latest news that state representatives have met with another group which they and their media lackeys characterise as “ontological terrorists”, “namussuz piçler”, and “affedersiniz, Ermeniler”: Worker’s Spatula.

While official sources continue to deny that the right Kierkegaardian government led by the AKP would meet with the Hoxhaist rebel news team, we assure our thousands of readers around the world that we have been meeting in Vienna with the AKP with the express purpose of securing the freedom of Max Zirngast via a prisoner swap.

Max Zirngast, as much of our readership know, is an Austrian Marxist-Leninist who was imprisoned for reading too much Hegel in Turkey, a country where “the Hegelians” have been added to the growing list of “terrorist organisations”. Hiding their hatred for Max’s mastery of German philosophy behind bogus, unsubstantiated, and to a great extent “confidential” claims of “terrorist propaganda”, the AKP have jailed one of those precious few western Marxist-Leninists who is both theoretically competent and practically useful. His defence in the AKP court of the “universal values” of socialism is but his latest act of “terrorism” which consists of working with impoverished children of diverse backgrounds, writing for various leftist publications, and trying to awaken in the masses a consciousness of themselves as a revolutionary political subjectivity, all alongside his comrades from TÖP who have also been picked up and subsequently jailed on completely meaningless and groundless “terror” charges.

Our initial offer of trading Sam Kriss for Max Zirngast’s freedom was refused when the Turkish negotiation team discovered that Sam Kriss’s only practical work consists of shameless self-promotion, and the bulk of his theoretical work also consists of shameless self-promotion. They were particularly furious to discover that the organisation which we claimed Kriss was involved with, the MLOGB (Maoist-Lacanist Organisation of Great Britain), was nothing more than a Spatular fabrication, an elaborate bit of banter (or “geyik”), like Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr in Wales.

Subsequently, we changed tactics and proposed a handover of an assortment of New York City academic Marxists, perhaps a trio of Vivek Chibber, David Harvey, and Andrew Arato. To this the AKP team replied that “come on, even we know Arato’s not a Marxist” and “give us Ollman”, to which a member of our team replied “over my dead fucking body will you touch Ollman, he’s the only real one, we’re attending his Seder in April”.

Despite the lack of success in negotiations thus far, we did receive word through Max’s lawyer that he is in high spirits, keeping busy learning Arabic, a language he started learning while in Hatay helping organise the local Alawite Arab population, and which he hopes to be the first westerner to successfully learn to any level of meaningful conversational proficiency, instead of just saying “shwaya shwaya” and changing the subject, like they fucking do.

Other rebuffed offers to the AKP included trading Max Zirngast for various low-level Gülenist refugees, a box full of Öcalan flags, a Circassian dance troupe, the abstract concept of hubris, and the southeast Asian country of Malaysia. The AKP team inform us that they already have all of these things in their possession, or can acquire them without our help.

With negotiations still ongoing, a Worker’s Spatula team are currently plotting to take Sam Kriss hostage anyway, “just in case somebody wants him”.

But seriously:

 

A Revolutionary Eid to All!

On behalf of all Worker’s Spatula fast food workers around the world, fighting for the principled unity of all fast food workers under the revolutionary line of Hegelism-Gramscism, I wish all of our readers the most blessed and revolutionary Eid! To all of you who have been fasting, forgoing food and water and leather shoes, we say: it’s over now. You don’t have to do it again for another year, almost.

Eid (or Bayram in Turkish, the language of the final prophet of Hegelism-Gramscism, İbrahim Kaypakkaya) has been a favourite time of year for me personally ever since I was a little girl. Some of our comrades in Vienna have only been fasting since their reversion to Islam upon joining Worker’s Spatula. As one of the comrades most learned in theology, it fell to me to explain the Worker’s Spatula line on Ramadan to several new recruits.

I remember when one comrade, let’s call him “Jakobi”, joined our ranks. He asked me, “Comrade Ayşe, why do we fast on Ramadan?”, to which I responded “we fast because Allah has commanded it, and so that we might develop steel discipline, and compassion for the less fortunate.”

Mashallah, Comrade Jakobi responded “but Comrade Ayşe, I work to develop steel discipline like that of Stalin every day, and my entire politics is based upon compassion for the less fortunate, who are never to be found far from my thoughts! Why does not Allah command everyone to fast all year ’round?” A truly great and critically Marxist answer, but unfortunately it was also an immodest answer which implied a human could judge better than Allah. I explained this to him in a comradely fashion as I beat him with my shoe.

Three Spatular Ramadans have passed now, and our unity is higher than ever. Worker’s Spatula began as a shitty collection of satire writers at the lowest levels of organisation, gradually developed as we drew in more and better elements, and have overcome our original “competition” to become the most respected voice in anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist internet satire as well as a widely-read source of other irreverent interventions. Our WordPress page is now an unparalleled theoretical şölen, and you all know there’s no one else to turn to. You might as well all convert to Islam too, and fast every Ramadan with us, and read Freire on the job like Comrade Anita does. We’re the fucking future, mate. Get in touch. Join us.

What can we promise between Eid and the Roman New Year’s at which we give our annual New Year’s message and self-criticism? More diverse and more developed interventions on the WordPress page. Those will continue to be quite wordy, so you can also expect more memes on the Facebook page, and mini satire pieces on the Twitter page, as we recently took a decision to return to simple satire on that platform.

Also we will bring down Liechtenstein before they celebrate 300 years of their existence as an international terror-state in 2019, leading to the immediate and inevitable liberation of all oppressed people, who are held down only by the spectre of Liechtensteinism, and then the workers of the world will unite and abolish class society, and then we all get to enjoy full communism. Fingers crossed for that!

–Comrade “Ayşe”, Hungry Jack’s, Roxburgh Park (Melbourne)

Image credit: Brother James Randall

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Charles Mingus is the Rosa Luxemburg of Jazz

As all of our neighbours in Vienna are aware by now, we at Worker’s Spatula headquarters have replaced the traditional Turkish method of waking our comrades for sahur with a davulcu [drummer] with the more innovative method of waking our comrades and half the neighbourhood with loud 20th century Afro-American music.

No, you shut the fuck up, Laurenz. It’s Ramadan. We need to get our sahur in before a busy day of communism with nothing to eat or drink.

Some of the songs have been purely inspirational, such as “I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free” by Nina Simone, who famously defecated on a microphone. Others, such as Public Enemy’s “Can’t Truss It”, have focused on burning questions such as the veracity of bourgeois imperialist propaganda, or “fake news”, as settler-colonial White AmeriKKKa refers to it.

We are, however, moving into a more theoretical phase of Ramadan as we draw ever closer to Laylat al-Qadr, and thus this morning we woke up to the rousing sound of Charles Mingus’s “Moanin'”.

Some of you may wonder what Charles Mingus’s swinging sound has to do with Marxist theory. To that we say: Rosa Luxemburg.

Yes, Mingus intended his career as a composer of great jazz as an allegorical polemic against both spontaneist and commandist deviations in Marxist political practice. We all know how Mingus was eager to take part in the movement to develop jazz composition to a higher level, and took active part in workshops geared towards this goal. However, being a Ryan Gosling-level dialectician, Mingus was quickly disenchanted with the formalist errors of his fellow jazz composers, who rejected any allowance for improvisation in their sheet music. Mingus, on the other hand, understood perfectly well that the dialectic between performer and composer is as central to jazz as it is to the revolutionary science of Marxism-Leninism.

Among Mingus’s most famous outbursts, scarcely less famous than “Itzhak Perlman doesn’t have to put up with this type of shit!”, is the time he stormed out of a workshop and berated his “Trotskyite” colleagues for “imposing vulgar commandism on the revolutionary jazz masses”.

Ever since then, pieces like “Moanin'” haven proven through their numerous recordings and performances by diverse artists Mingus’s ability to compose great jazz of a complex and universal nature, allowing for the dynamic subjectivity of diverse performers in their particular material contexts, without deviating into the Kautskyite spontaneism which characterises that most revisionist of all jazz styles, free jazz.

We hope all comrades have enjoyed this brief lecture on the theoretical importance of Charles Mingus. For our comrades in Vienna, tomorrow’s sahur music and lecture will also centre on the dynamics of the social movement, as expressed in “Stand Up” by Ludacris.

Image source: FablesOfFabus on imgur, captioning Mingus on getting evicted, full quote: “I hope that uh… the communists blow you people up, man. You dig? That’s where I am. Red China.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula

Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his upcoming debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, so completely it does not need to take place, and so he certainly does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden Indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is overcome in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Ex-Soviets Resist “Queue Culture”

TORONTO – As the post-Soviet economies continue to produce high unemployment, forcing many ex-Soviet citizens into the diaspora, cultures increasingly clash in major imperialist countries with a relatively high intake of immigrants, such as the United States and Canada.

“These fucking Russians and Uzbeks and whatever else they are, they don’t know how to line up!” exclaimed Karen Nestor, local student and Pierre Trudeau fan, while being jostled out of place repeatedly by old headscarved women, several of whom were multilingual, but not in any languages they speak in Canada. “This is what communism does to people, I guess, no civilisation!”

“Actually,” interjected Zəhra Kazımova, an Anthropology student at the local University of Toronto, “Lineups were a common activity forced upon my parents’ generation by the Soviet regime. Here in Canada, they are simply expressing the freedom that capitalism brings to not have to line up for goods and services.

“I’m not surprised privileged people like you would no idea about how far you have been indoctrinated by racist Cultural Marxism to believe that everyone has to line up behind you according to your standards of civilisation. It’s exactly your thinking that made the Soviet Union so oppressive to my people!”

“Wow,” exclaimed Nestor, shocked at her own un-unpacked privilege. “I had never thought about it that way!”

Our local correspondent spoke to Gurmat Singh, a local immigration lawyer, to learn more about the problems of queue culture:

“You have no idea the horror stories we hear from people who grew up under communism. Some of them had to wait in line for bread, and then wait in another line for various other goods, and then ride in a vehicle packed with other people on their way back to a small apartment. It was hell. I tell them: This is Canada. This is a free country. You don’t have to experience any of that ever again.

“But some of us who grew up here in Canada, they just can’t understand how important these freedoms are. We don’t appreciate the freedom from a crushing, alienating life of poverty that is the birthright of every Canadian.”

Despite the educational efforts of experts like Singh and community insiders like Kazımova, many people who grew up with English Canadian national culture still insist on imposing Cultural Marxist ideas on these people who have already enough suffered from Marxism and its unnatural ideas of equality.

“If they don’t want to wait with everyone else, they should pay extra for a delivery service! That’s what makes the system function so well: You pay the appropriate amount for the thing you really want. These queue-jumpers are trying to game the system!” explained Economics major, wannabe Austrian, and apparent “Cultural Marxist” Frederick Murray.

“What we need to do is introduce a more free market system into their countries, so if they immigrate here, they’re already familiar with what life is like in a developed capitalist country,” concluded Murray, clearly applying Marx’s Eurocentric standards of “development” to countries like Russia which have been denied the free market blessings the average Canadian enjoys so well.

However, not all ex-Soviet immigrants share the queue-jumping perspective of Kazımova’s elders. Some are resisting communism in their own way:

“YOU COMMUNIST WHORE!” screamed local “patriotic anti-communist” Yegor Nazarenko as he kicked an old Ukrainian man in the shins as he attempted to jump the queue, sending the latter’s plastic container full of roast chicken on a collision course with the dirty floor of the supermarket.

“How dare you jump a civilised, democratic queue as if it were one of those Judeo-Bolshevik queues back home!” he scolded the old man, grinding the roast chicken into the floor with his combat boot as the old man stared up at him, tears in his eyes.

Nazarenko then joined the queue himself, where he purchased a six-pack of “pyvo”, paid for by Canada Benefits.

Liechtensteiner ICOR Affiliate Discovered

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN – A wrong turn by one of our Viennese correspondents led them to accidentally enter Liechtenstein, the rarest and highest HP value of all the German-speaking countries. While there, he decided to visit an old comrade presently teaching at the Wirtschaftswissenschaftsfakultät of the University of Liechtenstein.

The comrade, [REDACTED] provided him with a copy of the newsletter of der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), the Liechtensteiner ICOR affiliate, which describes itself as “the only genuine Marxist-Leninist organisation operating from within the belly of the imperialist beast that is Liechtenstein”. Below are some selections from this rare and extremely anti-revisionist organisation. Reader discretion is advised:

New Octobers: Yes! Liechtenstein: No!

The world needs a new October Revolution today. Where the first one shall be, no one can say, but one can say that it will not be in Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein is the most dangerous and reactionary entity imagineable, and the only solution to its contradictions is its utter and complete destruction.

We call upon our comrades, the toiling masses of Liechtenstein, particularly the Gastarbeiters whose exploited labour allows the labour aristocracy of Liechtenstein to grow fat and stupid, as well as the escalator repairmen’s union in which we have long been active, to rise up to destroy Liechtenstein and help its people unite with their brothers and sisters in Switzerland and Austria.

We call upon all our fraternal organisations of ICOR to unite with us in our call for the destruction of Liechtenstein, and work for the overturning of all existing social conditions and a glorious red dawn for a new day tomorrow!

Workers of the world and oppressed peoples – unite!

Liechtenstein must be destroyed!

Other pieces attacked rival left-wing formations in Liechtenstein, such as they are:

Pepo Frick – Scoundrel and spectacled traitor

In our analysis, the single greatest threat to the toilers of the pseudo-country known as Liechtenstein is the scoundrel and spectacled traitor who calls himself Pepo Frick. Pepo Frick, if that is his real name, stands as the smiling face of social-democracy in Liechtenstein. Little do the confused masses of Liechtenstein realise that social-democracy, far from being a “left” trend, is actually the historical friend of Nazism and the cold-blooded assassins of Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht.

If tomorrow the entirety of the ROL is found floating dead in the Rhine, slaughtered by bloodthirsty Nazis, know that it was Pepo Frick who delivered this fate unto us.

Remain ever-vigilant comrades: No to social-democracy, NO TO PEPO FRICK!

On the final page, some truly unique theoretical positions were on display:

Stalin – REVISIONIST?

We, der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), have never shied away from controversy when declaring our bold theoretical stances. We declared Mao to have dangerously deviated from the correct line before Enver Hoxha did, and we declared Enver Hoxha to have embraced the Three Worlds Theory before the elements that would become the Bolşevik Parti in North Kurdistan – Turkey did. We declared Bob Avakian to be a Trotskyite before the RIM did, and we declared the DPRK to be Trotskyites just so we could take a stance literally no one else has.

We now wish to unveil our boldest theory yet: Joseph Stalin was himself a Trotskyite revisionist, worse even than Lenin in his deviations from the correct line of Marxism-Leninism, defensible only against the immediate and total threat of international fascism, led by Ernest Mandel…

It goes on like this for a few paragraphs.

We wish our newfound comrades in Liechtenstein all the best, and call upon all sympathetic forces in Austria and Switzerland to unite with them in struggle, and struggle with them in unity.