Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

 

PAN-ALPINE GUERRILLA FRONT PATROL ROUTE, SOMEWHERE IN THE SWISS ALPS – Seated in plastic chairs in a snow-flecked mountain landscape under the blue Swiss sky, the video displays the heroic Central Committee of Worker’s Spatula, guns and spatulas raised in their clenched anti-fascist fists.

Cacophonously, the anthems of several rival Turkish anti-revisionist organisations begin playing simultaneously over shitty cell phone speakers which are clearly nowhere near the microphone. All of the assembled Worker’s Spatula Central Committee members attempt to sing along, off-key, for a few seconds before the video cuts forward to a speech by a representative of the group, already mid-speech:

“…an especially happy New Year to the now-free Max Zirngast, who is about as free as any of our friends trapped in the Republic of Reaction can be. Free them all!

We would like to begin this year’s New Year’s message, which usually would only contain our self-criticism, with a criticism of all of you. We would like to criticise all of our followers who were fooled by our 2018 April Fool’s joke. Shame on you for ever thinking the Spatula team would abandon you without the death, imprisonment, or otherwise neutralisation of our Central Committee.

Obviously, we would be shirking our duties if we did not add here that we must self-criticise for making light of the idea of the end of Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution. Such things are not to be joked about. Indeed, fuck “jokes”. Basically, everything we write is real. Raw dialectical materialism without the horse shit. No, we will NOT revise Marxism-Leninism. Worker’s Spatula. We live for this.”

At this juncture, the Yank is overcome with excitement and begins firing a Mosin into the air, after which the video cuts forward again, the Yank now disarmed and holding two spatulas instead of the rifle. The spokesperson continues:

“Continuing with our self-criticisms. 2018 was in many ways a year of setbacks. We suffered a split in our ranks on April 1st, and while unity has been achieved again, we are still rebuilding the structures which were lost in these difficult inter-Spatular conflicts. In particular, our Melbourne base of Hungry Jack’s workers has lost a fair number of good cadre, weakening the southern hemisphere work we had initially hoped to emphasise in 2018.”

Another cut, and the floor has been surrendered to two Welsh comrades, one of them speaking in Welsh, and the other providing simultaneous translation, providing a brief report on southern hemisphere work, including this self-critical section:

“Australia was meant to be our red base, it was, for the liberation of Papua and Argentina and all the rest of them mad winter-is-summer places, like. Well we cached that one up right proper, we won’t lie to you. And not being funny or nothing, like, but we’ll tell you for why: there’s no Marxist-Leninist discipline down there. No tradition of it, is there?

Well from now on, all of our Australian comrades are going straight to Turkish boot camp, reading Stalin and Hoxha and studying the culture, like. It’s no more of that mad upside-down rygbi or VB for them, only Turkish football and tea. Iechyd da, cymrodyr.”

The main representative concludes the self-criticism with a reference to the second Three-Year Plan announced in August of 2018:

“One last point of self-criticism before we get to our plans for 2019: as we already mentioned in the announcement of our second Three-Year Plan, we underestimated the strength of Swiss imperialism in the capitalist world-system. Liechtenstein have made us look like fools, and now they’re probably going to get to celebrate the 300th anniversary of their Nazi shithole homeland on the 23rd of January before we can even overthrow their parasitic regime. Fuck Liechtenstein.

But we are still here in the Swiss Alps. In December, we made a lot of progress in organising a Krampus union together with the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland, and our guerrilla movement across the Alps grows stronger and more determined to fight for a new, Liechtenstein-less tomorrow each day. Death to Liechtenstein, whose fascist security forces are responsible for the martyrdom of Subcomandante Spatule on the 4th of April, 2018. Death to Swiss imperialism which protects the existence of Liechtenstein, as it has for 300 years.”

At this juncture, the flags of Liechtenstein and Switzerland are taken out, smeared with what appears to be faeces, and set on fire to cheers and applause from the assembled Central Committee. The representative continues:

“We are here in Switzerland, just as our invisible army of workers and intellectuals is to be found everywhere around the globe. We are in the Toblerone factories, the Toblerone mines, and the Toblerone fields, making Toblerone halal to troll the Christians, and making Toblerone Hegelian to troll the AKP.

In 2019 we hope to engage in more polemics with non-Marxist pages, as we finished off 2018 by doing to the revisionists at AboutIslam. You know we had to do it to them.

While joining the rest of you in dealing with the absolute shitshow that will be the beginning of the 2020 US Presidential Election campaigns which will start this coming year, we also plan to swing an election somewhere. Maybe a student election, maybe a municipal election, but we swear by Allah (SWT) that we will find some election with a candidate we support, make propaganda for them as the Spatula, and then take credit for the ensuing victory.

We will also continue building RaFFWU in Australia, as our deepest connections with the working class remain those with the fast food workers in Australia, who anyway are the single most revolutionary section of the international proletariat that exists.

We will of course continue posting pithy jokes to Twitter, memes to Facebook, and giving you the deep content you crave on this WordPress page. If the bastards at Facebook attempt to ban us again, we can just keep changing our URL. Top mathematicians in our ranks theorise that we can just keep adding one to the current number in the URL and achieve a larger whole number, perhaps infinitely.

We may also actually write an original joke, instead of repeating the same jokes over and over again in different combinations as a thin veneer for Marxist theory and criticism. But don’t hold your breath.

Regardless, we will continue to transform the internet left generation into serious Marxist-Leninist cadre with real praxis and build sincere revolutionary movements around the world.

No one can stop us: we are right, we will win.”

And with that, the Central Committee disappear over a mountain pass, the Alpine landscape disappears from the screen, and the video message concludes by displaying the text “Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

 

New 12-Step Programme AAAA Founded for those Addicted to Artisanal Anti-Revisionism

CW: Addiction, self-harm

A BASEMENT IN LOS ANGELES – A new twelve-step programme called “Artisanal Anti-Revisionism Addicts Anonymous” (AAAA) has been founded in Los Angeles (or by its full, original, Spanish name: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili), which is targeted at anti-revisionists too disattached from the social dogma even for Gonzaloism.

You know, the sort of people who read Abstrakt and write for Worker’s Spatula and have strong opinions about the TİKB splits.

These poor souls have had their chance at a normal life ruined by a crippling addiction to reading condemnations, analysis, and declarations from various anti-revisionist groups so obscure in the mainstream discourse and so furiously angry at the various frauds who masquerade as Marxists these days that they make the RIM look like social democrats. Using the traditional twelve-step format for other addictions, they hope to come together and become normal, healthy, functioning (but critical) members of popular fronts.

The inaugural meeting began with all attendees going round the circle and introducing themselves in turn, in the form: “my name is [FIRST NAME], and I’m addicted to obscure boutique anti-revisionist publications”.

“It started with reading old Stalinist Workers Group for Afro-American National Liberation and a New Communist International polemics against anyone and everyone. I thought it was no big deal, just a fun way to arm myself theoretically against the modern revisionists,” explained one young man, who was fired from his job for spending an entire workweek doing nothing but printing up hundreds of pages of opinions on precisely what went wrong in China.

“The next thing I know, I’m casually using terms like ‘modern revisionists’, and teaching myself Tamil so I can read NDMLP propaganda from Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. That’s like extra bad island India, with extra annoying Trots. Our comrades in the NDMLP say that…” trailed off the young man before bursting into tears, horrified at what he had become.

The young woman seated to his right patted him on the back to comfort him before taking her turn: “I started talking to some of the APL people in some leftbook group. It seemed like there couldn’t be any harm in reading Enver Hoxha. Then I found out that in Turkey, Hoxhaism is so mainstream that there are multiple kinds of Hoxhaist who disagree with each other on how to criticise Hoxha, whether to do it like Hoxha or Stalin or Freire or Che or something. I hit bottom last week when I found myself snorting the ashes from a printed-up stack of Devrimci Proletarya tweets I had smoked while listening to Kutup Yıldızı and screaming ‘FACTIONALIST! SPLITTER! NEO-BERNSTEINITE!’ at the mirror.

“My mother came in just as I had punched the mirror, shattering it to pieces. When she tried to take my wounded hands in hers, I pulled away screaming ‘NO, COMRADE MOM, I NEED TO WRITE A SELF-CRITICISM IN MY OWN BLOOD!'”

A minor spat broke out between two members over which four-person Guevarist group hiding in the Andes whose faxed pamphlets they had read in the library was more correct in their critical engagement with the Bolivarian Revolution, causing the moderator to have to intervene and remind them: “Comrades, let’s not forget that we want to be the sort of people who can hear the word ‘Venezuela’ without launching into an hour-long sectarian tirade against sectarianism.”

All members of the group, regardless of tendency or number of screeds they have wheatpasted to the walls of their college campus, could agree on their higher power to which they would appeal as they worked their way through the steps: the dialectic of history.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Worker’s Spatula Begin Second Three-Year Plan

AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN THE SWISS ALPS – Coming up on the third anniversary of the founding of Worker’s Spatula on the 16th of this month, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have convened in a village in the Swiss Alps to appraise the successes and failures of the first Three-Year Plan and outline the second one, to be put into action immediately.

The Three-Year Plan was originally conceived of as a rough guide to the collective’s interventions for the coming period, both in terms of the process and the desired results. Following our general criticism of the 20th century experience as having been insufficiently dialectical, we chose a three-year period over a five-year period on the grounds that a change in quantity would effect a change in quality, and also Lenin: “Better Fewer, But Better”.

Several members spoke of their appraisal of our achievements with regard to our initial ambitions:

“Obviously the greatest success has been the high level of theoretical development of our cadres within the Spatula’s network, as well as our many readers scattered across all continents,” began one German representative, passing around some cigars procured on his recent trip to Haiti, the homeland of the Lordship–Bondage dialectic (citation: Susan Buck-Morss). “We are completely ahead of schedule on that front. Our original stated goal was to exceed Žižek’s level of Hegel-fetishism by 2018, we have actually transformed the international anti-revisionist movement into an invisible army of Hegel scholars. Praise the dialectic of history!”

“Typical German idealism,” hastily interjected an English representative. “Our greatest success has been material, namely our transformation of Worker’s Spatula from a backwards website into a great industrial power able to economically outproduce Great Moments in Leftism, and to do so relying principally on Turkish resources, against the vulgar economist predictions of the leftcom scoundrels.”

“Comrades, comrades,” interrupted a sobering voice with a Turkish accent from the back of the room, “it is the accepted thing at congresses to speak of achievements. That we have achievements is beyond question. They, these achievements, are, of course, not inconsiderable, and there is no reason to hide them. But, comrades, it has become a practice with us lately to talk so much of achievements, and sometimes so affectedly, that one loses all desire to speak of them once again. Allow me, therefore, to depart from the general practice and to say a few words not about our achievements, but about our weaknesses and our tasks in connection with these weaknesses.”

Recognising the Stalin quote, several Central Committee members present shifted uncomfortably in their seats, preparing for accusations of bureaucratisation.

With each week that brings us closer to 2019 and the 300th anniversary of the Nazi Nightmareland which is Liechtenstein, it becomes more and more obvious that no matter which tactics we employ, we are utterly powerless to bring down this regime. Nobody dares say it, but since we are all thinking it, I will stake my reputation on telling the truth: Liechtenstein imperialism is so impervious to our efforts to bring it down precisely because there is another, more powerful imperialist country defending it. I speak of course of Swiss imperialism.

At the beginning of our first Three-Year Plan, we determined that there was a need to grasp the Leninist assertion that imperialism is in fact the highest stage in the development of capitalism, and to retheorise this against the economically ignorant misconceptions which have become predominant in our movement. Our attacks on Liechtenstein have, in this light, been very correct and crucial for world revolution. But we cannot ignore the fact that we have spent considerable resources in 2018, suffering splits and even sacrificing martyrs to ensure the downfall of Liechtenstein from our base here in Switzerland, when it is the objective social and economic relations within Switzerland, and not our subjectivity as anti-Liechtenstein guerrillas, which have been holding back this revolutionary war.

We cannot hold this criticism back until the New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism: the head of global imperialism is Swiss monopoly capital, a force more powerful even than Liechtenstein. Our next Three-Year Plan must include a commitment to the theoretical and practical development of the revolutionary movement within Switzerland itself. Only thus can we construct a revolutionary movement actually capable of confronting these two greatest imperialist powers: Switzerland and Liechtenstein, who together prop up all others and indeed the entire capitalist world-system.

After a tense moment of silence, this speech was greeted with applause, and chants in support of the construction of a “pan-Alpine guerrilla movement” by August 2021.

Other criticisms of the first Three-Year Plan were that the seriousness of our commitment to Marxism has also weakened our ability to intervene in the sphere of internet content. The second Three-Year Plan is to include a commitment to gaining at least one new content-creator for every four people who have to stop contributing because of the demands of our real-world politics.

As the meeting rounded up, other aspects of the second Three-Year Plan were agreed upon in a democratic centralist fashion. By 2021, Worker’s Spatula expect to have:

• Achieved full vegetarianism of the Central Committee and achieved majority vegetarianism by all Worker’s Spatula contributors. Bream will be phased out last among meats, and all meat-eating readers are encouraged to spend the next year transitioning through a bream-based diet to a vegetarian diet as quickly as possible.
• Re-educated all cishet man comrades to never accept any relationship with a woman other than one based upon the heroic principles of socialist matriarchal polyandry.
• Spatular agents within every single ICOR affiliate, a broad influence on other international anti-revisionist projects.
• Recognition not only as the pinnacle of Marxist-Leninist internet content and the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, but also take over all those other communist meme pages on Facebook, directly or indirectly.
• Used Twitter to make the sort of jokes we used to make on WordPress, then as the character count increases on that site, gradually turn the Twitter content into the sort of lengthy screeds which are now normative on the WordPress site, and by the end of the Three-Year Plan have to find another platform for dumb jokes on.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Intolerable Prick Ascribes Lack of Popularity to Anti-Stalin Bias

CW: Abuse

ADELAIDE – Ex-CPA member and local piece of shit Mick Anderson has resurfaced in the activist scene after months of conspicuous absence following allegations of physical abuse of his then-girlfriend, [REDACTED].

Local CPA cadre were quick to distance themselves from Anderson, who, in further proof of the ubiquity of contradiction, has apparently distanced himself from the CPA on grounds of their “revisionism”.

Following Worker’s Spatula’s own suspicion of any organisation whose main international connections are the IMCWP as having deviated from an essential Marxist analytical method, we sought to gain impressions from locals in Adelaide to determine the dynamics of theoretical discourse in which this abuser seeks to position himself.

“Yeah he says China is capitalist now, but he never said anything like that even during his last days with us,” explained local CPA representative Jack Vogt, “he definitely didn’t split with us over theory, even if that’s what he says. The last time we saw him was the night of the incident, when [REDACTED] called [REDACTED] over to help protect her. Now he pops up talking like CPA(ML) or something, maybe he’s with them now? They call us ‘revisionists’ constantly.”

CPA(ML) representative Chelsea Greene denied Anderson’s affiliation with their organisation: “we were in brief contact, but he’s not interested in Mao Zedong Thought or our criticisms of economic development in China at all. He mostly just complains about Chinese immigrants to Australia.”

“Yeah,” concurred Adelaide anarchist John Balendra. “He really hates immigrants. He’s really REALLY strongly opposed to migrant solidarity work. Says it’s ‘a plot by the bourgeoisie’.”

“It would help if he read Engels on immigrant labour in Manchester a century ago, or anything at all,” interjected Greene. “But when I said that to him, he said ‘you Maoists are all just anarchists anyway, you need to tank down in Tank Town’. We’ve got a committee working on decoding that one.”

“Yeah he keeps saying LGBT people and Rojava and feminism and everything else is ‘post-modern’ or ‘crypto-anarchism’. Really good at reminding me why I’m an anarchist, I suppose”, concluded Balendra.

Deciding we had to confront Anderson himself, we found him in a local drinking establishment, half-pissed and barely past lunch. Our correspondent launched into a series of rapidly delivered critical questions about Anderson’s past behaviour and present isolation within the Australian socialist movement:

“It’s all LIES, SLANDER, LIBEL, what they say about me. I’ll tell you what, why they don’t, what they don’t like about me!” exclaimed Anderson, whose surly voice seemed to fill the entire pub, itself otherwise empty. “They’ve all been fooled by the post-modernists and the Trots and the anarchists, with their BULLSHIT theories! Me? I’m a real Stalinist, I’m all about the FACTS of working class, who I’m organising! I’m in a bloody union! What do you do?”

“RaFFWU? Real cute, sweetheart. Do you know how much I have to lift every day? Look at me muscles! I’M THE BLOODY WORKING CLASS! BLOODY… BLOODY, SWEATY, TEARSY! MARXISM-LENINISM! MARXISM-LENINISM! MARXISM-LENINISM! MARXISM-LENINISM!” he bellowed loudly enough for passers-by to hear from outside the pub.

“You’re a fucking labour aristocracy, is what you are!” he screamed, throwing his beer to the floor and lunging for our correspondent, who made a quick move for the door.

To be continued…

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

A Revolutionary Eid to All!

On behalf of all Worker’s Spatula fast food workers around the world, fighting for the principled unity of all fast food workers under the revolutionary line of Hegelism-Gramscism, I wish all of our readers the most blessed and revolutionary Eid! To all of you who have been fasting, forgoing food and water and leather shoes, we say: it’s over now. You don’t have to do it again for another year, almost.

Eid (or Bayram in Turkish, the language of the final prophet of Hegelism-Gramscism, İbrahim Kaypakkaya) has been a favourite time of year for me personally ever since I was a little girl. Some of our comrades in Vienna have only been fasting since their reversion to Islam upon joining Worker’s Spatula. As one of the comrades most learned in theology, it fell to me to explain the Worker’s Spatula line on Ramadan to several new recruits.

I remember when one comrade, let’s call him “Jakobi”, joined our ranks. He asked me, “Comrade Ayşe, why do we fast on Ramadan?”, to which I responded “we fast because Allah has commanded it, and so that we might develop steel discipline, and compassion for the less fortunate.”

Mashallah, Comrade Jakobi responded “but Comrade Ayşe, I work to develop steel discipline like that of Stalin every day, and my entire politics is based upon compassion for the less fortunate, who are never to be found far from my thoughts! Why does not Allah command everyone to fast all year ’round?” A truly great and critically Marxist answer, but unfortunately it was also an immodest answer which implied a human could judge better than Allah. I explained this to him in a comradely fashion as I beat him with my shoe.

Three Spatular Ramadans have passed now, and our unity is higher than ever. Worker’s Spatula began as a shitty collection of satire writers at the lowest levels of organisation, gradually developed as we drew in more and better elements, and have overcome our original “competition” to become the most respected voice in anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist internet satire as well as a widely-read source of other irreverent interventions. Our WordPress page is now an unparalleled theoretical şölen, and you all know there’s no one else to turn to. You might as well all convert to Islam too, and fast every Ramadan with us, and read Freire on the job like Comrade Anita does. We’re the fucking future, mate. Get in touch. Join us.

What can we promise between Eid and the Roman New Year’s at which we give our annual New Year’s message and self-criticism? More diverse and more developed interventions on the WordPress page. Those will continue to be quite wordy, so you can also expect more memes on the Facebook page, and mini satire pieces on the Twitter page, as we recently took a decision to return to simple satire on that platform.

Also we will bring down Liechtenstein before they celebrate 300 years of their existence as an international terror-state in 2019, leading to the immediate and inevitable liberation of all oppressed people, who are held down only by the spectre of Liechtensteinism, and then the workers of the world will unite and abolish class society, and then we all get to enjoy full communism. Fingers crossed for that!

–Comrade “Ayşe”, Hungry Jack’s, Roxburgh Park (Melbourne)

Image credit: Brother James Randall

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Point/Counterpoint: Yelling About Hegel

The First Annual Clandestine Worker’s Spatula Marxist Theory Symposium and Dance-a-Thon was held at an undisclosed part of York University campus in Toronto, Canada last night. Attendees who arrived thanks to secret invitations came from locations as diverse as Australia, China, Turkey, India, and Argentina to debate topics ranging from economics to gender politics to philosophy.

The highlight of the evening, according to all in attendance, was the debate on “Yelling About Hegel”, which consisted of York University’s own J. Moufawad Paul, who swiped the keys to get us all into the [REDACTED] building, and a Worker’s Spatula representative who is hot for Hegel. What follows is a 100% factual and 100% accurate transcript, and if J. Moufawad Paul seeks to object in any way, we can only assume his account has been hacked by the Russians, as is traditional in North America.

Moderator: Well, I see we have a packed room for this panel. Expected, I suppose, because if there’s one thing that draws the big crowds, it’s heated arguments about Hegel. You all know the rules: each participant is permitted to yell until they run out of breath, at which point the other begins yelling until they run out of breath. If I start yelling, everyone else has to stop yelling until I finish what I’m saying. The debate is over when somebody flips the table like TİKB did during the Toblerone conference in London. Any preliminary, non-yelled remarks from either of you?

WS: First of all, since we’re going to be yelling about Hegel, I want to give a shout-out to Arif Çelebi. Secondly, on behalf of all of our cadre taking part in the Ramadan fast, I wanted to thank J. Moufawad-Paul for his thoughtful choice of bream for this evening’s iftar. He has been nothing if not a gracious host to us, and has made me personally rethink my prejudiced view that all white settler-colonial English Canadians are hypocritical liberal scum.

JMP: Please, comrade. I also love bream. But I’m glad that I could prove that not all individuals from settler-colonial Canadian society are roughly as culturally sensitive as Justin Trudeau, if not to his right. I hope that this event will be the first in many occasions for meaningful exchange between revolutionary trends across the world. By the way, is there any chance you’d like to accept that Maoism is the third and hi…

Moderator: …AND WITH THAT, WE’RE OFF! START YELLING!

JMP: Oh, is it… is it time for me to start yelling? Okay: WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY POSITION IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS: HEGEL IS AN IDEALIST PHILOSOPHER, AND THE REPEATED IMPLICATION BY WORKER’S SPATULA THAT HEGEL IS ON PAR WITH MARX WAS ALWAYS INTERPRETED AS A JOKE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. IS IT ACTUALLY WORKER’S SPATULA’S POSITION THAT, AND I QUOTE, “MARXISM-LENINISM, MORE LIKE HEGELIANISM-LENINISM, AMIRITE?”?(?)

WS: YEAH SURE, WHY NOT? I’M NOT GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT. YOU CAN’T BE A MARXIST WITHOUT HEGEL. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT EVERY MODERN REVISIONIST YOU TALK TO CAN’T SUMMARISE THE UNIVERSAL MOTION OF DIALECTICS ON EVEN THE MOST BASIC LEVEL. YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE DIALECTICS AS A MARXIST.

JMP: I NEVER SAID DIALECTICS WASN’T AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE MARXIST WORLDVIEW, I WROTE A FUCKING DIAMAT MANUAL. BUT IN THE DIALECTICAL INTERPLAY BETWEEN BEING AND CONSCIOUSNESS, THE BEING IS PRIMARY, AND HEGEL’S SHORTCOMING WAS PRECISELY IN HIS FAILURE TO GRASP THIS.

WS: DID HEGEL MAKE MISTAKES? OF COURSE HE DID. IN SO LONG A PERIOD FILLED WITH HEROISM, TRIALS, STRUGGLE, TRIUMPHS, IT IS INEVITABLE NOT ONLY FOR HEGEL PERSONALLY BUT ALSO FOR GERMAN IDEALISM AS A WHOLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

MODERATOR: FOUL! No paraphrasing Enver Hoxha or Mao Zedong quotes defending Stalin! That joke is for Twitter only.

WS: Sorry, force of habit.

MODERATOR: That’s fine, just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. JMP? Can we get your word that you won’t do the same?

JMP: Hey, I never do that anyway.

MODERATOR: Very well. Comrade, would you like to yell a more original and substantial response?

WS: LENIN SAID “INTELLIGENT IDEALISM IS CLOSER TO INTELLIGENT MATERIALISM THAN STUPID MATERIALISM”. WE CAN’T GO THE DIRECTION WHERE WE PAINT HEGEL AS AN ENEMY OF MARXISM!

JMP: I’M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR! I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD READ HEGEL, AND I’VE READ HEGEL, AND I’VE TAUGHT HEGEL! I KNOW FULL WELL ALL THE WAYS HEGEL IS MISREPRESENTED, BUT MARX EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIES HEGELIAN DIALECTICS AS BEING DEFICIENT IN ITS IDEALISM, AND THE ANTI-REVISIONIST TRADITION IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS FROM HEGELIANISM AS SUCH, JUST AS MODERN REVISIONISM IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS WITH DIALECTICS AS SUCH.

DIALECTICS IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED AS HEGELIANISM. THE FACT THAT IN THE MILIEU OF GERMAN IDEALISM A CERTAIN LANGUAGE EMERGED THAT WAS USEFUL FOR MARX IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE HERE DENIES. THE ISSUE IS THAT YOU COULD JUST KEEP GOING BACK WITH THAT: DO WE NEED KANT TO UNDERSTAND HEGEL?

WS: LENIN ALSO SAID: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE COMPLETELY TO UNDERSTAND MARX’S CAPITAL, AND ESPECIALLY ITS FIRST CHAPTER, WITHOUT HAVING THOROUGHLY STUDIED AND UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE OF HEGEL’S LOGIC. CONSEQUENTLY, HALF A CENTURY LATER NONE OF THE MARXISTS UNDERSTOOD MARX!!” DID HE EVER SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT KANT?

MODERATOR: FUCKING FOUL! That’s two quotes from Lenin talking about Hegel in a row! Stop relying on Lenin to make your argumentation. JMP, your turn to yell.

JMP: LENIN IS NOT AN INFALLIBLE SOURCE FOR UNDERSTANDING THE MARXIST METHOD! I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO QUOTE ENGELS NEXT. AS I ARGUE IN MY BOOK, WHICH YOU’D KNOW IF YOU READ IT, I AM NOT ONLY AGAINST VULGAR MATERIALISM AND PSEUDO DIALECTICS, BUT ALSO AGAINST IDEALIST DIALECTICS IN THE FORM OF “PURE HEGELIANISM”, EVEN AS FOUND IN MARXISM! THIS WAS MAO’S FUNDAMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH: THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS ITSELF A FORM OF IDEALISM!

WS: Yeah, the SMF said the same thing when asked about the Abstrakt piece about Maoist dialectics.

JMP: The SMF?

WS: They’re supposedly a front for the [REDACTED].

JMP: Ah. Well, you see? MLMs.

MODERATOR: You’re not yelling.

JMP: WHETHER OR NOT THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS A HEGELIAN CONCEPT THAT HAS NO PLACE IN MARXISM OR NOT, IT’S NOT THE CASE THAT A KNOWLEDGE OF HEGEL ALONE IS A THEORETICAL DEFENCE FROM REVISIONISM: ŽIŽEK IS A FINE CONTEMPORARY EXAMPLE, HE DEFENDS THE RATIONAL CORE OF HEGELIANISM AS A BASIS FOR MARXIST THOUGHT MORE STRONGLY THAN ANYONE, MORE THAN YOU EVEN, AND YET HE ALSO DEVIATES CONSTANTLY TO THE RIGHT, YOU DON’T NEED ME TO LIST ALL OF HIS ERRORS, YOU’VE MOCKED HIS IDIOCY MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE.

AND WITHIN ACTUALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM: MANY OF THE CAPITALIST-ROADERS DEFENDED A SORT OF CONSERVATIVE HEGELIANISM, A “RIGHT HEGELIANISM”. HELL, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN FREQUENTLY EMPLOY THE TERM “LEFT HEGELIANISM” IS A TELL: YOU’RE FULLY AWARE HOW FORMAL HEGELIANISM CAN BE REACTIONARY, JUST AS YOU MUST AGREE THAT THE THEORETICALLY UNDEVELOPED MOTION OF THE MASSES HAS A GREATER REVOLUTIONARY POTENTIAL THAN ANY THEORY NOT APPLIED IN PRACTICE!

WS: FINALLY WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER! FIRSTLY: IT’S DEFINITELY TRUE THAT THERE ARE RIGHT HEGELIANS AND THAT OPPORTUNISM AND REACTION HAVE BEEN AIDED BY PEOPLE WHO FORMALLY DEFENDED HEGEL WITHIN REVOLUTIONARY CONTEXTS, BUT WOULD YOU REALLY ARGUE THAT MAO’S CAPITALIST-ROADER OPPONENTS HAD A FIRM GRASP ON DIALECTICS, IDEALIST OR OTHERWISE, GIVEN THAT THEIR FUNDAMENTAL AIM WAS TO CONCEAL RATHER THAN REVEAL CONTRADICTIONS?

REGARDLESS, THIS IS THE SAME AS TRYING TO BRUSH ASIDE MARX BY POINTING OUT THAT OVER 90% OF FORMALLY DECLARED MARXISTS ARE CHARLATANS, FRAUDS, SCOUNDRELS, RENEGADES, AND OTHER INSULTS LENIN WOULD’VE USED. OUR DEFENCE OF MARXISM AS A METHOD AGAINST FORMALIST APPROPRIATIONS OF MARXISM, EITHER IN THE FORM OF A WORSHIP OF ICONOGRAPHY OR A SORT OF RELIGIOUS TEXTUALISM MASQUERADING AS ACADEMIC MARXISM: THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME AS OUR DEFENCE OF HEGELIANISM, WHICH AGAIN, WE CLAIM IT IS NO COINCIDENCE WAS MARX’S PRIMARY POINT OF THEORETICAL REFERENCE.

THIRDLY, YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO THE MASSES: WE DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THERE MUST BE A DIALECTICAL PROCESS BETWEEN MASS AND ORGANISATION, THAT AN ORGANISATION WHICH FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ITS SUBJECTIVE AND OBJECTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MASSES CAN NEVER BE REVOLUTIONARY, BUT THE VERY FACT OF BUILDING SUCH AN ORGANISATION IS A SUBJECTIVE MANIFESTATION OF TRYING TO DEVELOP A REVOLUTIONARY THEORY WHICH, I PRESUME YOU WOULD ALSO AGREE, IN THE FINAL INSTANCE IS A NECESSITY FOR TRULY REVOLUTIONARY PRACTICE!

SO: IF WE DEFEND HEGEL IN TERMS OF A THEORETICAL BASIS, IT IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE “IDEALISTS”, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE FOR DEFENDING “MAOIST DIALECTICS”, OUR ARGUMENT IS THAT TO DEVELOP A CORRECT THEORETICAL LINE, WE NEED BOTH A MATERIAL ENGAGEMENT AND A FIRM GRASP ON WHAT DIALECTICS IS!

JMP: BUT YOUR ARGUMENT ON THE DEFINITION OF DIALECTICS IS BASED ENTIRELY ON HEGEL SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A FORMAL COMMITMENT TO HEGEL’S HISTORICAL ROLE WITHIN THE GERMAN PHILOSOPHICAL TRADITION AT THE POINT OF MARX’S WRITING!

Tragically, the debate was cut short at this juncture when a DHKP-C guerrilla who had infiltrated the symposium began firing a small handgun into the air and screaming: “FEUERBACH ÜZERİNE 11. TEZ!” over and over again whilst the entire crowd fled the room to retrieve their own weapons.

UPDATE: J. Moufawad-Paul has agreed to continue the discussion in an even more private location with the proceedings to be published later this Ramadan. Worker’s Spatula would like to apologise as usual on behalf of the Turkish left for the Mahircis being so goddamned Mahirci all the time.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula

Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his upcoming debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, so completely it does not need to take place, and so he certainly does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden Indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is overcome in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Avengers: Infinity War

Avengers: Infinity War is the 17th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film (which one would think was a sequel to 2015’s Avengers: Age of Ultron), follows a group of mainly unrecognisable characters fighting some sort of space goblin with a magic glove.

As far as our team of reviewers could ascertain, the space thing has to get all these stones, right? And each of the stones represents one aspect of the universe (love, peace, mind, sex, and love), which will allow him to murder half the universe in an instant. The bad elf guy has been trying to do this for ages, as explained by the film’s witty protagonist Tony Starks in rap form:

Classic genocide, slick gun material; burnt up bodies that rock with no burial.

The Avengers are made up of a diverse group of heroes: Iron Man, Iron Man’s child soldier, Thor, Trife Da God, the Scarlet Witch, and some rubbish robot who can’t fight properly despite being a baddie in the last film. Together, they form a guerilla foco determined to take down the space troll. Iron Man is the clear leader, whose critiques of his comrades are confident and full of the expected revolutionary language. Who can forget his words during a struggle session at Starks Towers in Captain Ameri[KKK]a: Civil War, 2015:

Oportünizm bukalemun gibidir. Çeşitli kılıklara bürünerek sosyalist hareket içinde ortaya çıkar. Oportünizmin kılık kıyafetini o ülkenin ekonomik ve sosyal bünyesi, işçi sınıfının politik bilinç ve örgütlenme seviyesi, kısaca ülkenin içinde bulunduğu devrimci aşamanın niteliği belirler. Ancak her çeşit oportünizm proletaryanın devrimci potansiyeline inanmamaya dayanır.

But “revolutionary potential” is just that: potential. “Belief” in this “potential” is no substitute for a holistic strategy and appropriate tactics built out of a united struggle through and with the proletarian masses. At the end of Civil War, our plucky heroes are convinced of Iron Man’s line simply because of the ferocity of his argumentation against Captain AmeriKKKa, and decide to become öncü savaşçılar fighting against any and all threats to humanity or the universe or something.

Güya haklılarmış, kazanacaklar mı?

So in Avengers: Infinity War, they’re fighting their final battle in Africa, which, like Che Guevara’s struggle in the Congo, is tragically doomed to failure. On the plains of Wakanda, with the help of T’Challa, a “milli burjuva” king with similar adventurist tendencies, the gang fights against a load of the stupid space orcs (but smaller than the main one). The main one then kills the robot who has the Sex stone in his head, and then kills half of everyone else.

Oh yeah, spoilers.

So at the end of the film, sitting on a wooden porch looking across the verdant green hills and pastures of a world he has just committed genocide on, the space king sighs, content that his work is done. One might imagine Hitler, in the Berghof, contemplating his work in a world where Stalin had fallen into similar ultra-left error as the so-called “Avengers”.

Is that what you want, Russo Brothers? For Hitler to win? Fuck that.

On behalf of Worker’s Spatula, we award this film one solitary red star out of five red stars.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

#SaveEBDSA: Conclusion and Beginning

On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers, we greet you, dear friends and comrades of the East Bay DSA.

We want to begin by saying:

We are sorry.

We are sorry we didn’t gather forces in the East Bay quicker, just as we are sorry we are still gathering friends around the world, the invisible army of the poor and oppressed that is Worker’s Spatula. Further, one of our heroic writers had been insisting we direct our time and resources towards the Working-Class Unity and Power slate of the East Bay DSA for some time, and only near the very end did we take up this important task of real-world politics. Had we intervened earlier, perhaps we would have had a more favourable result.

There are those who would blame the extremely undemocratic means the East Bay DSA had been run, under the dictatorial control of the bastard and shit Jeremy Gong, for any losses on our side, or, put another way, for any single victory by the crypto-fascist Bread and Roses clique. These people are objectively right, and the fact that all of the DSA’s resources, from its propaganda on the internet to organisation-internal communication channels and information crucial to recruitment certainly contributed to the favourable result these absolute villains achieved. Further, we dispute the validity of every single absentee/”proxy” vote which was across the board in favour of the treasonous Bread and Roses slate.

Definitely we agree with this general take, that they had everything and we had nothing, and that’s why they won. You may recognise this as exactly what happened to Sanders when he went up against Clinton.

However, we must also see our own subjective role in this. It was inevitable that the enemy, being in their totality an enemy force, and not merely some misguided friends (even if some within may individually seem to be mere misguided friends), would use every method in their hands to advance their goal of selfish sabotage of the project of the collective. Why should they not? We know that they have never loved the people and never sought to criticise all existing conditions (including themselves) for the good of the people. That is our goal, and we too will use every method in our disposal (“any means necessary”, if you will) to advance and defend the interest of all poor and oppressed and empower them in unity and struggle.

When we started, our About page had a joke about how we will “take credit for any revolutionary success anywhere in the world” but “will disavow any responsibility for failure”, or something to that effect. During an internal criticism session, it was pointed out that even as a joke, this had the effect of encouraging the extremely wrong tendency among leftists of every tradition to see their own agency in victories but see the agency of the enemy in their failures. “We lost the Cold War because of the imperialists!” “We won WWII because Stalin was so strong!”

One could easily claim the reverse, however, that we lost the Cold War because of our mistakes (there is much truth in this), and that we won WWII because of weaknesses of the Nazis which Stalin exploited (again, not untrue).

It is this contradiction between various subjectivities that makes up the totality of ideological and political struggle. Once again, we as the Spatula must make clear that had we in particular intervened much earlier, the result could have been more positive, and therefore we take responsibility for every single inch of ground which the crypto-fascist Bread and Roses clique held onto. We apologise to all of our friends and comrades in the East Bay DSA and pledge to continue working with them from here on out to the best of our ability. We will build stronger networks, we will help with propaganda, we commit our resources to helping build and advance real revolutionary and socialist solidarity in the East Bay.

And this is the essential point of criticism, comrades. We criticise and self-criticise because we want to do better. Criticism is a most revolutionary intervention into any sphere of life, but especially politics. By criticising in a correct Marxist-Leninist fashion, we can in fact elevate our political practice. And let us be clear: we have already achieved some victories through this campaign.

Firstly, of course, there is the general question of propaganda. Our enemies, the Bread and Roses clique, who probably deny the Armenian Genocide so as to not alienate potential Republican Turkish voters in New Jersey or something, have exercised a dictatorial control of the East Bay DSA channels of propaganda and internal communication, not only against minority dissenters, but even on quite popular points where their narrow clique is isolated but holds political power and thus feels it can dictate the truth from above, like Allah revealing the Noble Qur’ān to the Prophet Muhammad (SAW).

Such a belief is, of course, a form of shirk, and contrary to Islamic belief. As devout Ja’faris and partisans of Ali, Vicegerent of Allah, we sought the guidance of Ayatollah Sheikh Mohammad Al-Yaqoobi on this important question, and he advised us to use our own propaganda channels to carry out counter-propaganda against this crypto-fascist clique who mock our religion and our politics with their very existence.

The opportunist scoundrels and careerist idiots of the wrecker Bread and Roses clique fear our heroic propaganda because it tells the truth. They silence all dissent within the East Bay DSA and close off all channels to the heroic dissenters who speak for the revolutionary masses from Fruitvale to Fremont. This organisation-internal dictatorship, however, masks a deep insecurity which is obvious from the lack of reaction to Worker’s Spatula’s heroic interventions.

Jeremy Gong and his Bread and Roses clique can never respond to Worker’s Spatula because they know that they do not command either the popular support in the revolutionary movement at large nor the theoretical and practical knowledge of Marxism, the world, and politics to go toe to toe with such a mighty force as Worker’s Spatula. Respond to our critiques? They dare not speak our name! Yet we have continued our propaganda assault, and we will continue it, until enough forces have been gathered and a concrete strategy is formulated to take down this wrecker clique once and for all, and rebuild a platform for popular front activity for all revolutionaries and socialists in the East Bay.

This day will come. Already, little by little, the revolutionary masses are waking up to the unique threat of Jeremy Gong, and the universal opportunist-careerist-wrecker-crypto-fascist politics he represents within our movement. More and more, the mere mention of his name evokes revulsion by the youth. High school students hiss and jeer as he passes. Elementary school students throw garbage at him. The day will come soon when a baby is born in Oakland, and their first words as they are handed to their adoring mother for the first time in the hospital will be “fuck Jeremy Gong” as they raise an adorable little middle finger to the sky, only to shift it over into a victory sign, and then clench a tiny little fist of anti-fascist anger.

That is one cute baby. What’s more, that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

Deal with that, patriarchy. Deal with that, Jeremy Gong.

At any rate, Jeremy Gong is not happy with this result either. He is like Erdoğan when he won that election, but it was obvious he didn’t have the whole country in his pocket like he thought. He now has to work with two Working-Class Unity and Power people, including our dear friend Hasan. We are exposing Jeremy Gong as the most hated person in the DSA every day. Bear witness to the poll where people were asked “Who is a bigger fraud and scoundrel as a ‘socialist’?” between Jeremy Gong and known unpopular guy Phil Greaves. No matter how hated Phil Greaves is, Jeremy Gong hangs tight with him. We could’ve lost every single seat in that election, but he can’t make the reality that people hate him as much as the most hated “leftist” on Twitter go away.

Further, they are exposing themselves at the same time. Jeremy Gong gave perhaps the least confident and most patronising “left” speech ever delivered in the history of the DSA. There was no vision, only desperate hatred for everyone but himself. One of the other Bread and Roses scoundrels also suggested that the DSA should be running candidates in the South as Republicans. This goes against their supposed “hero” Sanders’s plan for a “50-state strategy”, a reference to the voter suppression of Afro-Americans in the Black Belt South: they want to abandon Afro-Americans who are desperate to take part in the legal electoral democratic politics the DSA as a whole is focused on, and desperate to do so in a way that would objectively pull local politics “left”, simply because the Bread and Roses slate thinks only white people matter no matter what. It is good that this was exposed and we must continue to emphasise this point which should make even the most reformist Democrat squirm, and if they do not issue an official retraction we must assume they have no firm line on whether or not racist voter suppression by the Republican Party is wrong or not.

Yes, the convention handed a propaganda victory to us through Bread and Roses’s own rhetoric by calling into question whether or not they support Jim Crow.

The Steering Committee results are now in, and yes, most of the seats went to the hated Bread and Roses clique, in line with the earlier Priorities Resolutions result. Bread and Roses won in an electoral sense, the only thing that matters to the heartless Clintonite monsters of the Bread and Roses clique headed by the reactionary agent Jeremy Gong. But it was a victory for us in a very real sense. It was a victory that we got two good revolutionaries on the Steering Committee. It was a victory that 67 brave souls showed up, in person, to vote against this garbage Priorities Resolution and the defeatist, pro-oppressor “socialism” it represents. You 67, you were in that room. Go find the other 66 people. Hug them. Exchange phone numbers. Befriend them. Learn about their struggles. Become a network of genuine human solidarity. 67 is not a small number of people to consciously challenge imperialist “social democracy” together in one place.

These 67 are the heroes, the very front line of the rebel youth, the heroic masses, the future. They should all work and learn and build together.

We would like to thank @NireBryce, one of the real heroes of the day, for tweeting the most of the proceedings of anyone, almost all the way to the end. That is exhausting work, not only having to type so much, but keep track of what people are saying, often rapidly, while you type. Let’s all thank them for their heroic work!

Regarding the Steering Committee, one of the Working-Class Unity and Power candidates who is now a Steering Committee member is the one that we as Worker’s Spatula endorsed: Hasan. Dear sweet Hasan, the solitary link between the East Bay DSA and the struggles of the downtrodden Turkish people who have lived under CIA-backed fascist dictatorship for decades, and the unspeakably oppressed Kurdish people who suffer under the most horrific colonial subjugation and violence, whose anti-colonial struggle in Rojava has been raised up to an international struggle of all suffering humanity, which drew Californian DSA member Michael Israel to fight in its defence, where he fell as a martyr. Hasan not only supports this link, Hasan lives it and speaks it every day by being Hasan, the living truth of the experience of the gurbetçis, all immigrants, all LGBT, all resisters. Hasan is the Anatolian angel of unity, the beautiful face of victory.

As our Turkish comrades always say, “bu daha başlangıç, mücadeleye devam”: “this is just the beginning, the struggle continues”. The scoundrels of the Bread and Roses clique may continue to hold back the democratisation of the chapter and the flow of information within and around it, but we can build our own channels, and we call on all our friends and comrades to speak with us about this work. We will continue to work together with all progressive forces to bring down these enemies of the people, and they know that we can succeed.

Already we have done a lot. Jeremy Gong is now known across the US as a condescending, sectarian, petty little man who thinks anyone to his left has mental health issues, insulting both to those of us who suffer from mental health issues and to the values of democracy and socialism he upholds in word only. Such a “leader” cannot last long if they are exposed.

We will succeed, because we are right. The truth is on our side in this fight. Always tell the truth. And the truth is this: Jeremy Gong is Adolf Hitler.

Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK

ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!