Illegal Turkish Organisation Claims Responsibility for Criticism

İSTANBUL – With thousands in jail for criticising Erdoğan and his ruling clique in Turkey, and the body count across Kurdistan rising every day, every political act is risky business in the region, as all of our readers know.

But, and we cannot stress this strongly enough, nothing is quite as risky as a truly ruthless concrete criticism of all that exists. And the clandestine and illegal Bolşevik Parti (Kuzey Kürdistan-Türkiye) is well-known as the most ruthlessly critical voice of all the not-very-well-known ruthlessly critical voices in Kurdistan and Turkey.

So it came as little surprise this morning when our İstanbul correspondents awoke to text messages confirming that the Bolşevik Parti had claimed responsibility for a devastating string of criticisms delivered by e-mail from a no-longer-functioning e-mail address over the past week to targets ranging from HDP co-chair Sezai Temelli to Boğaziçi University Rector Mehmed Özkan.

Some targets, such as Turkish Prime Minister Binali Yıldırım, were shocked to discover their personal e-mail addresses (previously thought hidden from the public) were attacked by the high-level dialectical materialist theory of the rarest and most powerful school of İboculuk. Yıldırım, not accustomed to being made to read complete sentences, let alone Marxist theory, is reportedly in critical condition following the criticism of his conditions.

One target, Celal Şengör, was reportedly criticised so harshly that his head exploded from the realisation of how wrong he had been about Marxist epistemology, a subject about which Şengör had publicly pontificated repeatedly, incorrectly, and worst of all, uncritically in the past. Worker’s Spatula have dispatched a crack team to the morgue in an attempt to intercept Şengör’s organs before it is too late.

Other victims of the string of criticisms included Marxist groups, including fellow İbocu Pınar Aydınlar, whom they described as “a Menshevik songsmith”, Alp Altınörs of the Socialist Party of the Oppressed (ESP), for “opportunism” and possession of “an inferior moustache”, fellow obscure publication producers and frenemies KöZ for being “the castle of sectarianism”, the Turkish Labour Party (EMEP), for “dogmatism”, and TÖP, for “not being easy enough for us to criticise”.

No one has been formally charged with any crime in response to the criticisms, but anti-terror police are reported to have swept through Gazi Mahallesi, where they took every man over forty with a Stalin moustache into custody.

At time of press, the count of uncles named “Ali” who had been asked very specific Stefan Engel-related questions in police custody is rumoured to have exceeded 170.

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Max Zirngast Free, Disappointed in You

ANKARA – International hero of of the toiling masses and already designated Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2019 Max Zirngast has broken his silence after his release from Turkish Prison via the website triple-double-u period Twitter dot com. As noted Right Hegelian trendsetter Donald Trump has made Twitter the official source of all information, Left Hegelians like Comrade Max Zirngast have taken to the site to shout the truth to the heavens.

In his first tweet, Zirngast stated that he is “very glad to finally be recognised as the hero of the masses that I have always been. The masses are great, I just love them”. Following this initial affirmation of populism, the expected and extremely dialectical negation in the form of criticism followed, with Zirngast characterising the support he received from the masses in Turkey as “disappointing and insufficient”:

The fact that only I and some TÖP people were freed shows how much the masses in Turkey have frankly been slacking off. Freeing me was the easy part. Not only are tens of thousands still trapped in Turkish prisons, but this prison regime continues to stand. What about revolution, eh masses? When are you going to make one of those? Frankly, the least I could ask for, that my release be celebrated by the storming of a couple of government buildings, was not realised. SAD.

Subsequent tweets from the newly freed Austrian took credit for the “Yellow Jackets or WASPs or whatever, the French ones,” who were “clearly inspired to take to the streets by my own personal courage and leadership.”

Asked by a local Worker’s Spatula correspondent about who else he was disappointed in, Zirngast responded:

Who am I not disappointed in? EMEP, the ESP, Alınteri… all the Hoxhaites, and even more than them, the Maoists. Oh, the IWW, ICOR, and especially the readers of Worker’s Spatula. None of you have shouldered the weight of my revolutionary responsibilities while I was in prison, and none of you did enough to free me. None of you are as brave as me, either, or you would have been in prison with me. Frankly, the DSA and the Austrian state are bolder than most of the internet left reading this.

Regarding the motives for the Austrian state in helping to secure his release, Zirngast responded: “Obviously, every state has its own class interests. For my own rubbish homeland, the state’s hand was absolutely forced by the spectre of socialist revolution in Austria itself. Word got to us in Sincan that barricades were already being prepared in Viennese social housing projects in preparation and the call to arms was to take place on January 12th, my birthday. Only freeing me could take the pressure off.” Asked about his sources for this information he referenced “various Twitter personalities, the comments section of left-wing news sites, you know, all the most credible sources.” Concluding his remarks on the possibility of a Viennese insurrection, Zirngast was quoted as saying:

I don’t know all the details of this call to arms, since this information was being delivered to me in censored missives in a Turkish prison. But I think that I would not be going too far if I were to say that my prison letters served as the coded orders followed by guerrilla cells from Vienna to Innsbruck.

Regarding the question of what he has been up to since his release, Zirngast said:

Mostly what anyone would do in a similar situation, you know? Whenever you are released from prison, or start graduate school, or finish graduate school, or drop out of graduate school, or get elected President of the United States, your mentality is basically the same: you are overwhelmed at first and you have trouble adjusting yourself to the new circumstances. So you read Adorno, wander around at home in an open bathrobe, and randomly harass people on Twitter. It’s a solid, time-tested strategy, and it’s been serving me well.

Asked what he missed most about prison, his answer–given without hesitation–was “not having to read or be in any way reminded of the existence of Worker’s Spatula.”

[Note: shortly following the publication of our article, it was announced that Max Zirngast had been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Revolutionary Leftism, with a Nobel Committee representative stating that “he’s a shoe-in, everyone agreed that he is second only to Spartacus himself on the list of historical heroes resisting oppressive rule”.]

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“Stalinist-Hoxhaists United” Doxxed by RedHack

Following the rogue Twitter account’s attempt to discredit known friend of the Spatula J. Moufawad-Paul‘s impeccable philosophical credentials, Maoist elements operating within RedHack swiftly messaged the half-dozen Hoxhaite groups in the country to enquire if anyone had any information about “Stalinist-Hoxhaists United”. Following the general consensus that this Twitter account was an agent of the Trotskyites or some other enemies within the pro-Hoxha Twitter, the Maoists wasted no time in mobilising Ovacık’s finest hackers to determine the identity of the miscreant attacking their Canadian comrade.

“We were suspicious of this ‘Stalinist-Hoxhaist’ talk from the beginning,” explained one “Munzurlu İbo” to our correspondent over the traditional Turkish Maoist hacker lunchtime meal of tea and onions. “Here in Dersim, we have every kind of communist under the sun, except Trots; ya Xızır, to ma Troçkoyo ra star kerdime. So we know what various Hoxhaites think about everything from the Sino-Soviet split to which rakı they prefer at türkü bars.

“This ‘Stalinist-Hoxhaists United’ account, on the other hand, talks about Enver Hoxha like some Trot parody of how we talk about Mao. There’s no way whoever’s behind it is genuine. So we hacked them, and it turned out to be someone in California?”

At this juncture, “Munzurlu İbo” plopped a manila folder full of printed-up IP addresses, passwords, and other login information on the table. Our correspondent was shocked:

“Jeremy fucking Gong???” exclaimed our shocked correspondent, quite united frontishly.

“You know this scoundrel?” asked the moustached Dersimli, taking another massive bite of raw onion.

“Know him? He’s the biggest cop in the DSA, and that’s saying something!”

“But why would a cop in the DSA want to pose as a Hoxhaist to attack Maoists in Canada? I mean, from what we know, North America isn’t like Dersim; it’s not just an entire population raised to view İbrahim Kaypakkaya as a messianic figure and have strong opinions about diverse guerrilla groups who live in our backyards.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” replied our correspondent, using the phrase Worker’s Spatula writers use every single time they say some shit which is extremely non-obvious: “Jeremy Gong knows that the principled unity between the North American Hoxhaites and Maoists who read Worker’s Spatula is laying the foundation for a renaissance of revolutionary politics in North America, and needs to divide them and keep them marginal so that his careerist plots are not foiled by the heroism of the masses, and of course, people who read and share Worker’s Spatula pieces and memes.

“JMP was the perfect target because he gets along with ESP people, writes for Abstrakt, and generally is beloved by all the anti-revisionists. His readership continues to grow, as do the critical connections between those readers. Fomenting a fight between Maoists and Hoxhaites was the means by which the scoundrel and likely TERF Jeremy Gong hoped to use to break this rising tide of anti-revisionism.”

“Fair enough,” said the apparently easily convinced Dersimli Maoist, “but there’s just one mystery unsolved, which is which pro-Mao group have you written me as actually representing? One of the TKP/MLs? MKP?”

“Oh, you’re with Bolşevik Parti.”

“Nice, build the ICOR.”

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New 12-Step Programme AAAA Founded for those Addicted to Artisanal Anti-Revisionism

CW: Addiction, self-harm

A BASEMENT IN LOS ANGELES – A new twelve-step programme called “Artisanal Anti-Revisionism Addicts Anonymous” (AAAA) has been founded in Los Angeles (or by its full, original, Spanish name: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili), which is targeted at anti-revisionists too disattached from the social dogma even for Gonzaloism.

You know, the sort of people who read Abstrakt and write for Worker’s Spatula and have strong opinions about the TİKB splits.

These poor souls have had their chance at a normal life ruined by a crippling addiction to reading condemnations, analysis, and declarations from various anti-revisionist groups so obscure in the mainstream discourse and so furiously angry at the various frauds who masquerade as Marxists these days that they make the RIM look like social democrats. Using the traditional twelve-step format for other addictions, they hope to come together and become normal, healthy, functioning (but critical) members of popular fronts.

The inaugural meeting began with all attendees going round the circle and introducing themselves in turn, in the form: “my name is [FIRST NAME], and I’m addicted to obscure boutique anti-revisionist publications”.

“It started with reading old Stalinist Workers Group for Afro-American National Liberation and a New Communist International polemics against anyone and everyone. I thought it was no big deal, just a fun way to arm myself theoretically against the modern revisionists,” explained one young man, who was fired from his job for spending an entire workweek doing nothing but printing up hundreds of pages of opinions on precisely what went wrong in China.

“The next thing I know, I’m casually using terms like ‘modern revisionists’, and teaching myself Tamil so I can read NDMLP propaganda from Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. That’s like extra bad island India, with extra annoying Trots. Our comrades in the NDMLP say that…” trailed off the young man before bursting into tears, horrified at what he had become.

The young woman seated to his right patted him on the back to comfort him before taking her turn: “I started talking to some of the APL people in some leftbook group. It seemed like there couldn’t be any harm in reading Enver Hoxha. Then I found out that in Turkey, Hoxhaism is so mainstream that there are multiple kinds of Hoxhaist who disagree with each other on how to criticise Hoxha, whether to do it like Hoxha or Stalin or Freire or Che or something. I hit bottom last week when I found myself snorting the ashes from a printed-up stack of Devrimci Proletarya tweets I had smoked while listening to Kutup Yıldızı and screaming ‘FACTIONALIST! SPLITTER! NEO-BERNSTEINITE!’ at the mirror.

“My mother came in just as I had punched the mirror, shattering it to pieces. When she tried to take my wounded hands in hers, I pulled away screaming ‘NO, COMRADE MOM, I NEED TO WRITE A SELF-CRITICISM IN MY OWN BLOOD!'”

A minor spat broke out between two members over which four-person Guevarist group hiding in the Andes whose faxed pamphlets they had read in the library was more correct in their critical engagement with the Bolivarian Revolution, causing the moderator to have to intervene and remind them: “Comrades, let’s not forget that we want to be the sort of people who can hear the word ‘Venezuela’ without launching into an hour-long sectarian tirade against sectarianism.”

All members of the group, regardless of tendency or number of screeds they have wheatpasted to the walls of their college campus, could agree on their higher power to which they would appeal as they worked their way through the steps: the dialectic of history.

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January ‘Too Bleak’ for Internet Communists to Make Jokes

ANTARCTICA – Following a fortnight-long writing retreat to the Pole of Inaccessibility, Worker’s Spatula staff have conceded that January of 2018 is simply “too bleak” a month for the writing of internet satire for communists.

“Honestly if we had wanted to have Lenin looking down and judging us in sub-zero temperatures while we got nothing of any value done, there are plenty of places in the Northern Hemisphere we could’ve gone,” opined the Yank in between drags on his cigarette.

“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” replied one of the English. “We tried to write about the things people in those places were upset about, and we got nothing. The crisis is deepening, the war is claiming the lives of more innocent young poor people, Malcolm Turnbull remains an intolerable Kantian cunt, nobody has recorded a truly great album in over ten years, and we have writer’s block.”

The reality TV-style video diaries revealed more introspective takes on the inactivity of the world’s greatest anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist satire page:

“Life is pain, and we will all die. All humour basically emerges from these facts. But lately, every time the ghost of a smile creeps across my face, news from Turkey intervenes,” explained the Hamburger contingent. “Literally we have lost friends to prison and to the Reaper. Presently a town is being bombed unprovoked by the same fascist regime that took our friends from us. You have to laugh to keep from crying, but you’re only so strong, you know?”

This theme was expanded upon by one of the Turkish comrades: “When the day of liberation comes, and Erdoğan is put on trial, one of the crimes I want him charged with will be the continuous crushing of any glimmer of joy in my life, personally.

“Still: umut dimdik ayakta.”

The Australian had this to share: “I had a joke! I had a joke but they wouldn’t listen to me! I wanted to write about Invasion Day, which brought out a lot of people this year! I wanted to do something about Tsipras travelling to Australia in the hope of seizing power on the back of the Invasion Day protests. Pauline Hanson was going to say something about the wogs colluding with the Aboriginals against White Australia, and Syriza and the Liberal Party form a coalition. It was all going to culminate in a plug for the Green Left Weekly crowd.”

“Yeah, I remember her joke,” explained our Balkan correspondent upon being reminded of the Australia-Greece crossover joke. “Too soon, comrade. Too soon…”

“…not too soon to mock Syriza, mind you. They deserve it. But we’ve been burned by too many white Anglo leftist trends recently. Socialist Alliance is going to have to split like three times over arcane theoretical-historical points before we’re ready to trust them even as much as we trust the Maoists. Marxism isn’t about having good positions you know! It’s about being really angry about Hegel.”

“Too angry to write jokes about Hegel, at least this month,” concluded our Balkan hero before returning to taping notebook pages together to continue drawing the longest upward spiral possible, moving towards the Antarctic horizon…

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Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.

HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”

 

Turkey Condemns Violence Against Anti-Trump Protesters

ANKARA – Following news of multiple shooting deaths of peaceful anti-Trump protesters in multiple cities across the United States, the Turkish Ministery of Foreign Affairs has condemned the United States’ disproportionate use of force against peaceful protesters.

Additionally, a travel warning has been issued to Turkish citizens in the US, advising them to return to the safety and stability of Turkey in 2016.

Across Turkey, MHP thugs in the process of beating Kurds in the street paused from their daily activities to comment on how this demonstrated the now 100% MHP-approved AKP government had finally restored Turkey to its rightful place in the family of nations.

“That sünnetsiz Trump is already brutalising his own citizens, in the same country that has for years tried to intervene in our democracy,” opined one Ahmet Bozkurt, referring to the years of CIA funding to his party and other right-wing forces of Turkish fascism which had suppressed the Kurdish national movement and various communist organisations.

Flipping his tespih with one hand while using the other to hold down Ali Savaş – a helpless Kurdish worker who had come to Bozkurt’s native Trabzon to feed his impoverished Mêrdîn family – Bozkurt continued: “This’ll really tell the west to stop meddling in our affairs and using their so-called ‘human rights’ against us and no other country.”

“İnsan olmayan Kürtlerin insan hakları yok ki,” he concluded, landing another blow to the worker’s face.

İzmir police officer and longtime MHP-voter Hakan Top agreed: “There’s definitely no difference in the level of repression of protests between our countries, they only hate us because we’re Muslims.”

“They’re all Kurd-lovers too,” he added, before pepper-gassing the interior of his police truck, which contained a sixteen-year-old girl affiliated with TÖPG youth wing Liseli Kıvılcım, as well two youngsters affiliated with the SGDF.

“The days of double standards are over,” explained Mardin native and state-appointed cleric Abdullah Çelikçioğlu. “In the old days, the US would invade Arab countries to fight people they called terrorists, and when Turkey did the same thing… I dunno what happened actually, but now presumably nothing will happen.”

MHP sources are still divided as to whether protesting Trump is actually desirable, with most insisting on “waiting to see where Trump stands on Kurds” before forming any opinion whatsoever.

KP Visitor to Diyarbekir Disgusted by Headscarved Woman

DIYARBEKIR/AMED – Ankara “Komünist Parti” cadre Cenk Uğur visited Diyarbekir today, to take in the political culture and make a rational analysis, as well as meet local KP comrades in their office.

Of particular note was the presence of ESP in the city, whose rhetoric and mannerisms Uğur felt especially unbecoming of a supposedly revolutionary socialist organisation:

“Can you believe they had a headscarved woman in their midst? I mean, you guys don’t seem to have any women at all in your ranks, but if you did I’m sure you’d agree with me that they should be completely secular, just like our vision of socialism for Turkey,” explained Uğur to his nodding comrades.

“Well what do you expect from ESP, comrade? They don’t understand socialism like we do. They’re vulgar Kurdish nationalists, so they dress and act and think and talk exactly like the DBP,” responded Şîrvan Öztürk, the apparent leader of the Diyarbekir KP group.

“We need to leave behind all our old prejudices, whether bourgeois Kurdish nationalism or Islam, and build a totally new society. This is what makes the KP special.”

Uğur left very disappointed with Diyarbekir as a whole, but consoled himself with the high quality of his new comrades. Following Uğur’s departure, local KP cadres wasted no time in looking up their new comrade on Facebook, where they harshly judged his sister’s “whorish” appearance.

At press time, Uğur had received friend requests from all the KP cadres in Diyarbekir, along with this message from Öztürk:

It was great meeting you today, comrade. I hope we’ll be able to come out to Ankara to see you, your comrades, and your family. Long live socialism!

Congratulations to Our Comrade on His Wedding!

SİVAS – Worker’s Spatula would like to extend our warmest and most comradely congratulations to our comrade, [REDACTED], on his wedding to his bride in Sivas. Coming from France and having localised himself in Turkey thanks to local EMEP cadres, [REDACTED] met his bride, who comes from a respectable Sivaslı MHP family, at a protest in Ankara.

The wedding was spectacular, with a massive red cake chosen to please both EMEP and MHP attendees. The father-in-law approached [REDACTED] to inform him that the red in the cake clearly symbolised the blood of the Turkish people shed for independence. [REDACTED] politely agreed, adding under his breath: “and the Albanian people, too”.

[REDACTED], who is a known atheist and opponent of all organised religion (and like most French, hates Islam in particular) nonetheless converted to Islam in order to please the in-laws. He has submitted to Worker’s Spatula democratic centralism and accepted to impose Ja’fari Shi’ism on any future children.

All guests in attendance were given a free copy of the latest edition of Evrensel, as is traditional in Turkey.

At the wedding, other Worker’s Spatula cadres were able to connect with the masses and socialise over Albanian folk dances. Both the bride’s side (her family) and the groom’s side (the central committee of EMEP) had come to an agreement that having halay at the wedding would essentially constitute an endorsement of terrorism.

[REDACTED] was at one point spotted far from his bride, joyously clicking wooden spoons together as he danced and sang along with the sound system: “BİZE HER YOL PARİS DEĞIL, LA BİZE HER YER ANGARA!”

A young EMEP member from Ankara spoke to one of our correspondents, excitedly telling him that attending the wedding was the most radical political action he had taken part in since Gezi: “Normally we just go to the weddings of the children of our members in Yenimahalle. But this is so exciting here, there’s even fascists. I have been asking all of them if they are workers, and if so, if they plan on becoming a member of the labour aristocracy.”

As everyone in attendance agreed that 100% of Albanians and %100 of Turks are Muslims, a common prayer of EMEP and MHP supporters was held. A Halk Cephesi sympathiser from Nurtepe who had taken the wrong bus and mistook the red wedding cake for the party-front flag took the opportunity to quietly extract himself from the wedding hall.

Worker’s Spatula elected to give one collective gift to the young couple. Both the bride and groom’s eyes lit up with delight when the box was unwrapped, revealing an Arabic copy of the Qur’an and a stainless steel spatula with a red handle.

“It’s steel,” noted an ESP sympathiser and Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance.

“Yes, like Stalin” agreed [REDACTED].

IMCLPO hailed the wedding with an official collective statement: “The ICMLPO salutes our French comrade for his bold internationalist stance in marrying a Turkish woman. As we all know, EMEP’s line is to recruit exclusively via family ties at this point, and therefore this wedding represents a great victory for Marxism-Leninism.”

The MLKP issued an official condemnation of the wedding as further proof of EMEP’s “reformism”, calling on [REDACTED] and his bride to divorce one another immediately, marry Circassians drawn from the ICOR affiliate’s ranks, and celebrate with a 100% Kurdish wedding, “the only correct line in the Turkish context”.