Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?

Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sandersbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar “left”-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Worker’s Spatula: the World’s Biggest Trots

Like everything else in life, Worker’s Spatula is a process. Since publication began several years ago, both the international revolutionary movement and Worker’s Spatula have experienced many changes. Now, as Afrin burns, may seem an odd time to reflect on this, but consider this Lenin’s reading Hegel in response to the outbreak of WWI.

Worker’s Spatula, as is known, was formed in Ankara by a small group of friends of diverse national backgrounds and organisation within different Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups who enjoyed making jokes about other socialists over beer. From these modest beginnings, we quickly swelled our ranks with Marxist-Leninist elements from around the world drawn to the concept of an “Onion for the left”. But as editors and writers came and went, certain trends became clear.

The first noteworthy trend was the large number of modern revisionists who left the Spatula of their own free will because they were displeased with the increasing theoretical emphasis of a publication whose first piece was a satire of the alarmism of the bourgeois British press at the social democrat Jeremy Corbyn’s progressive stance in an almost entirely regressive political context. From there, we have only made more and more jokes about Hegel, which alienated such elements, resulting, to be frank, in a marked increase in the quality of work. This is proof, if any was needed, that Hegel was right, Hegel will win.

However it was not only negative elements which we lost in this long process which has brought us to today. Among the more principled, critical and theoretical elements who fell away from the Spatula, a common complaint gradually became clear that could not be meaningfully responded to. As some of our best writers and editors fell away because of the demands of serious political work, the common point in all of our conversations was the question of what the POINT of Worker’s Spatula’s jest and jokery was in the midst of such appalling conditions as those we live in with so much political work to be done on top of the economic demands of surviving in the capitalist-imperialist world system.

Catharsis? Surely, but each of us may find catharsis and solidarity in our small circles of really trusted comrades, friends, family. No, our mission statement, as we articulated it amongst ourselves, was always to use the FORM of satire to deliver a serious implicit message. But uncritical loyalty to this form has resulted in the departure of many writers who wanted to use this platform to articulate a coherent message due to the constraints they felt were imposed by the repetitive demands of the editors. Of those that remained, the question was asked: are we a legitimate source of criticism, and if so, why do we shy away from responding to the principled critiques levelled against us by our real friends? Is this not Trotskyism in essence? Endlessly criticising every political subject, but then never accepting criticism on the grounds that we ourselves are politics subjects? This is not the politics we demand of our serious organisations; so have we merely donned the cloak of “satire” to escape these political responsibilities in the midst of the internet left of whom our most consistent complaint is their lack of comprehension of their political responsibilities?

Comrades, this state of affairs could not stand. Our Left Hegelianism and our Marxism could not suffer such a serious contradiction any longer. Something simply had to be said, and something simply has to be done.

If Worker’s Spatula has won hundreds of readers by mocking the stubbornly uncritical way that so many Marxist-Leninist organisations regard themselves, we must apply this same standard to ourselves. Consider this our self-criticism, dear comrades. Those of you reading this who know we are addressing you, we call you back. The Spatula must rise from the ashes, like a red phoenix, and fulfill its mission to history. We must continue to intervene where so many Marxist publications fail to intervene in the ongoing developments in social life.

We call on all of our real friends to regard the Spatula as a forum for an irreverent internationalist and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist discourse, including but not limited to satire. Real-world political work must always come first, and the Spatula may lapse into inactivity again on this account. But beyond the form of satire which has hitherto been the exclusive output of this publication, there is an essential dialectical and materialist core on which we all agree. You know as well as we do that this forum can be used to reach many youth who are truly hungry for theoretical and practical direction. You know as well as we do that we have all grown through it, and will continue to grow together.

We are the humble servants of the toiling and oppressed masses yearning for liberation. We are the students of the people, and their teachers.

–Worker’s Spatula editorial staff

Labour Party Harassing Theresa May at Home Now

LONDON – Following a frustratingly long process of undoing the damage of decades of New Labour, by which the Party of Labour abandoned not only its fierce, Albanian-inspired, anti-revisionist line in favour of abandonment even of the pet causes of the English labour aristocracy, the left wing of the Labour Party have taken to harassing Tory Prime Minister Theresa May at her home in Sonning.

“We know you’re in there Theresa!” shouted Diane Abbott towards a curtained window. “Your austerity is bad and you should feel bad!”

“I stand by all those things I said in the House of Commons!” agreed Jeremy Corbyn, to cheers from local students.

Street harassment of the Prime Minister is at an all-time high as Momentum’s momentum is at an all-time low. Twitter harassment of Tory accounts has remained more or less stable, witnessing only a slight spike after it was revealed that Tory youth group “Activate” have been WhatsApp chatting about whether Churchill was too hard on the Nazis when the Soviet threat loomed much greater.

“We never should’ve taken power,” moaned a visibly drunk Alexis Tsipras. “Labour can’t get a thing done either, but because they don’t get control of government, you forgive them for very similar failings to ours. Admit it, you’re still going to tell people to vote for them, aren’t you?”

Our local Athens correspondent confirmed that, yeah, probably, English people should still vote Labour, come the elections or whatever, what else are you going to do, launch urban guerrilla warfare?

“John McDonnell already tried that, anyway.”

John McDonnell and Diane Abbott were arrested last night, when their latest harassment of the Prime Minister went too far. Abbott drove herself and McDonnell to Sonning, where they blasted Ken Loach’s 2016 socialist realist film “I, Daniel Blake” over the car’s stereo system with the bass turned all the way up.

“Do you hear that, Prime Minister? This is the part where Katie eats directly out of the tin of beans at the food bank! It’s very sad and reflects the struggle of the poor under your austerity regime!” shouted Diane Abbott, shortly before the police drove up to take her and the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer into custody.

As of this morning, TKP chair (and generally nice guy among revisionists), Erkan Baş, had touched down in London to protest this suppression of the Party of Labour by the British state.

At time of press, Erkan Baş’s face–complete with that glorious, solidarity-worthy moustache–was being slammed into the pavement by the police.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Scandal as Labour Leaks Plan to Crown Gary Donnelly King

LONDON – “I don’t understand!” cried Corbyn, slamming his fist against the wall of his Islington bunker. “They kept trying to link us to the Provos, and what could make it more clear where we stand on them than this?”

“I know, I know…” concurred Diane Abbott. “And we’re even taking an interest in Buckingham Palace, the media is just really unfair to us.”

For hours, sources across the political spectrum in the UK have been reacting with shock and horror to a leaked plan to replace Queen Elizabeth II with Gary Donnelly, who would be crowned King Gary I, King of the Irish Isles.

“You see why I keep emphasising the national interest now, don’t you?” explained noted wheat field runner and part-time Prime Minister Theresa May to the Spatula’s Downing Street correspondent. “None of you believed me, until now, but now you see it. Are you going to let Corbyn bring a Papist into Buckingham Palace?”

“I tried to warn you,” agreed noted Welsh national embarrassment Owen Smith. “I’m as radical as the next one, but this is not how you win elections. I want a Northern Irish monarch as much as Corbyn does, but compromise is key. We could’ve chosen someone from the UDA, for example.”

Reaction from the occupied North of Ireland, however, has been quite positive, with the notable exception of Gary Donnelly himself, who has denied all claims of any connection between himself and Jeremy Corbyn. The RIRA have released a video claiming that they have “thousands” of weapons stashed in Buckingham Palace that they hope to be able to retrieve. INLA, for their part, released a video with similar claims, with the noteworthy difference that they plan to immediately decommission the weapons after retrieving them.

Provisional Sinn Féin, for their part, are ecstatic about this latest development in the saga of Irish Republicanism within the Party of Labour:

“With an Irish monarch in power, we can finally legitimise entering the Palace of Westminster. We look forward to bringing down the Union Jack and raising the tricolour over Londain with the help of our comrade-in-arms, John McDonnell.”

Jeremy Corbyn Announces Plan to Run Over Reactionaries in Bus

ISLINGTON – Announcing what is already promising to be his most popular policy yet, Jeremy Corbyn says he plans to travel around in a “For the Many, Not the Few” bus and run over reactionary scum.

“The BBC cameraman’s foot was just the beginning. You won’t believe all the bastards I’m going to run over once I really get going,” the leader of the British Party of Labour explained, quite Hoxhaistly, to the assembled crowd of reporters.

“This is empty populism,” explained local Real Revolutionary™ and member of the RCG Sean Davies, “Corbyn’s just exploiting popular support for the reasonable policy of running down various imperialist warmongers and capitalist exploiters in a big red bus so that he can keep using the British state’s funds to maintain his Islington bunker.

“You can’t run down imperialists in an imperialist bus. It simply won’t work. It’s against the laws of dialectics.”

Critics within the Labour Party are concerned with the prospects for future electability presented by an election platform based upon the destruction of the bodies of various reactionaries under the tyres of a massive red bus, concerns Corbyn has refuted as “irrelevant” on the grounds that “This hasn’t got anything to do with the election in the first place, it is simply a principled stance.

“I intend to run over reactionaries no matter the result of this or any future election, because I believe in a Labour Party built upon principles of vehicular homicide for the enemies of ordinary working people.”

Jeremy Corbyn was last seen leaning out the window of the “For the Many, Not the Few” bus, feeling the wind and sea on his face as he drove across the English Channel, screaming “You’re next, Erdoğan, you ayran-drinking bastard!”

 

French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face

PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

George Michael Latest Casualty in War on Christmas

OXFORDSHIRE – While 2016 has claimed the lives of many bourgeois celebrities, Worker’s Spatula notes with special sadness the passing of George Michael. George Michael’s music has long provided the soundtrack to our revolutionary activities, long before there was a Worker’s Spatula as such. Ever since he jitterbugged into the heart of our oldest member in the early 1980s, George Michael has been a glorious symbol of our fight against fascism. From his own public struggle against the Thatcherite and Blairite scum, to our use of his song “Freedom!” to celebrate the liberation of Kobanê from ISIS, few bourgeois singers more perfectly encapsulate the spirit of resistance that Worker’s Spatula seeks to raise up among the masses than George Michael, bard of the people’s struggle.

While our comrade Jeremy Corbyn is leading the public commemoration of this heroic anti-fascist troubadour, we at Worker’s Spatula wanted to discuss George Michael’s life and death, and what they meant for us.

Although we could never convince George Michael to write for or contribute financially to Worker’s Spatula (on the grounds of his support for TKEP/L in Turkey, as opposed to the strict anti-revisionism of Worker’s Spatula), many of our cadres were close to him due to shared interests, including cottaging, bursting into song, hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair, and bursting into songs about hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair whilst cottaging. On several occasions, the editor-in-chief of Worker’s Spatula was known to partake in one or more of these activities together with George Michael, who remained on friendly terms in spite of the aforementioned Brezhnevite/Hoxhaite issue.

George Michael’s untimely death caught us all by surprise, leading to the unavoidable conclusion that he was assassinated by the Tories. The Tory scum chose Christmas to assassinate him because they hate Christmas, and joy, and the laughter of children. In particular, the Tories detest the laughter of the working class children of England today, who are constantly to be seen on public transportation wearing Worker’s Spatula t-shirts and singing the songs of George Michael, like “Faith”, “I Want Your Sex”, and “Polyushko-polye”.

Last Christmas, we gave our hearts to George Michael’s best friend in the whole world, Jeremy Corbyn, when he quoted Enver Hoxha at the Labour Christmas party. But the very next year, George Michael was taken from us. 2016 has been nothing if not a difficult year for communist revolutionaries and George Michael fans alike. But we must stand tall and remain hopeful in spite of these setbacks. That’s what George Michael would have wanted.

After all, his last words were: “DON’T MOURN, ORGANISE!”

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

Communist Menace Just Silly Children Who Need to Grow up

LONDON – Following the military defeat of ISIS leader Owen Smith by guerrilla forces under the leadership of John McDonnell and composed primarily of Worker’s Spatula cadres, the latter have returned to their journalistic duties.

Among the surprises which met our English correspondents in their return to civilian life was the fact that the Welsh socialist group which may or may not still be known as Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr has yet to drive out British colonial rule through a Popple’s Wor, and the Scottish are still dragging their feet on secession as well.

So it looks like it’s up to England to save the day AGAIN.

However, communists in the UK can expect a bitter struggle within and beyond Corbyn’s anti-austerity political campaigns, not least because the communists are a dangerous element whose fanatical ideas could lead to the deaths of millions in Britain, and also because they are a marginal and infantile trend who will soon come to terms with the real world, grow up, and become Blairites themselves.

Yes, sources across the UK political spectrum, from the Tories to the Red Tories, agree that communists are all just idiotic student union members looking for attention that must not be taken seriously. Moreover, it is agreed that they constitute a real threat to the Labour Party and Britain that must be stopped.

“This is hardly a surprising development,” said UK politics analyst and Trotskyite extraordinaire Richard Seymour, when pressed for comment. “It’s well known that anything left of bourgeois centre in the UK is both a threat to our very way of life and also a passing fad barely worth a mention. Having young people running about, waving red flags and singing about red flags and that, it’s definitely an issue for people who understand how much they alienate the entire population of Britain except a ragtag gang of student losers, and also understand that they will one day topple the British state and have us all killed for being revisionists or reactionaries of one sort or another.

“One needn’t look to the murderous hordes of Stalinists who control Wales and parts of London to see evidence of this fact: One need merely take note of Corbyn himself, whose fanatical support drowns out the need to discuss his troublesome lack of popularity which renders him fundamentally unelectable.

“This trend shows little chance of decline. I personally have been told to join the SWP three times today.”

As of press time, a group calling itself “the Red Hand of Blair” has claimed responsibility for a car bomb in Brighton which claimed the lives of several known Corbynite figures. The statement reads, in part: “We have been forced to take up arms to defend the fundamental moderation of the Labour Party from the unelectable views endorsed by the electorate. Dialectics, innit.”