First Annual “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference Organised

ATHENS – In honour of the birthday of Comrade Stalin, the KKE has taken the initiative to organise a massive conference in Athens in honour of the completely error-free life of the nicest human being ever to be born: Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

The “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference will be held every year going forward, with possible candidate cities for next year’s conference including Volgograd (in Russia), and Gori (in Georgia).

Despite its decidely un-Soviet nostalgic location (the inevitable result of the material conditions under which the conference was planned), turnout was tremendous. Delegates arrived from countries as varied as India, Chile, Turkey, Togo, and the UK to offer presentations on the overwhelming rightness of Stalin in word and deed.

A panel was organised specifically for the UK defenders of Comrade Stalin, including the CPGB-ML, NCP, and the RCPB-ML. The NCP representative presented on “Frida Kahlo as Stalinist, de Rivera as Trotskyite”, the RCPB-ML presented on “Youth Culture: can Stalin be incorporated into it?”, and the CPGB-ML presented on “Please ignore the first two presentations at this panel, we are the only British people who defend Comrade Stalin”.

George Galloway was not invited to present, but had his own table outside the conference where he stopped women comrades entering the building to ask them if they thought he was more handsome than Stalin.

A representative of the Turkish party TKİP repeated its call, consistent in all international gatherings in which they are present, for all genuine Marxist-Leninists across the world to grow glorious Stalin-style moustaches. During the question-and-answer session for this panel, a Worker’s Spatula representative condemned the “butch dominance” of “formalistic Stalinism”, demanding a “femme equivalent to the Stalin moustache” be found. The TKİP representative responded that the Spatula correspondent was a “Foucaultite wrecker and clear agent of the MLKP”.

Despite tremendous disagreement on the most basic questions of history and current practice, a toast was held at the end of the evening to “unity in struggle, and struggle in unity”, at which point a giant mpaklavas, dyed so as to resemble a painting of Comrade Stalin, was wheeled out to cheers and the traditional birthday song of Georgia’s most famous native son:

 

RCPB-ML Releases Hoxha x Stalin Hentai

 

LONDON – Citing concerns that young British people who could be recruited to anti-revisionist Marxism-Leninism are being misled by the “Maoite revisionist, national chauvinist, ultra-left CPGB-ML”, the RCPB-ML has announced the release of “an erotic graphic novel in a hentai manga style” entitled “Men of Steel”, as well as a Welsh translation, “Dynion o Dur”.

“Men of Steel”, which is 38 pages in length, tells the story of the young partisan Enver Hoxha, whose heart’s deepest desire is to have Stalin-senpai notice and approve of him. And notice him he does. Stalin-senpai rewards Hoxha’s loyalty in an erotically charged encounter that will make even the most steeled anti-revisionist blush.

Stalin is depicted as a stoic upperclassman within the international communist movement, confidently striding about in military boots and nothing else. The young Enver Hoxha is only too eager to please his beloved senpai:

ooOOOOOooo… Stalin-senpai is so big! Now to make him as hard… as STEEL!

CPGB-ML chair Harpal Brar responded to the release by calling it “a desperate move by a bunch of washed-up old followers of the pretentious cult-leader, Hardial Bains”. He did, however, concede that if there’s one thing that young CPGB-ML cadre like more than Stalin, it’s hentai.

“Hentai about Stalin is therefore sure to have popular appeal.”

However, Chairman Brar is not overly concerned. “After all,” he said, “the CPGB-ML is the only Marxist-Leninist party in the world whose minimal programme includes the demand to make anime real.”

Workers’ Party of Korea Regret Not Corresponding with Bookchin

PYONGYANG – Behind-the-scenes sources from the 7th congress of the Workers’ Party of Korea report that the party is far more interested in sub-state developments in anti-imperialist trends than previously thought. It seems that many members of the party have been feverishly discussing for days the popularity of the Kurdish liberation movement led by Abdullah Öcalan in light of their stunning victories in Rojava.

“Why didn’t we correspond with Bookchin? Then North Korea could have actual defenders in fashionable left circles around the world, instead of just the CPGB-ML,” said Hwang Pyong-so.

“Oh, and the RCPB-ML. HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY FORGET THEM?”

“These solidarity missions to Rojava really upset us, why can’t ICOR try and ‘break the siege’ on North Korea? We’re only up against the fucking UN!” seethed Kim Yo-jong as she paced back and forth before a Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he furiously scribbled notes.

“But it’s our fault, we cut ourselves off from developments on the ground in imperialist countries, and now we’re losing out. Other than that, we’re pretty much the same as the PYD: We both abandoned historical materialism and the Marxist method in favour of a basically anti-imperialist vague socialist model, we both have our catchy name for it: Juche and Democratic Confederalism.

“We tried sending a delegation to Qamişlo to get advice. The Kurds promised to introduce us to their people in Berlin in exchange for mountains of aid. Again, being embargoed by the UN here.”

Sources report that Kim Jong-un is still optimistic. “It’s not too late. We have a lot of people in Japan. We can turn Tokyo into our Berlin,” he is reported to have told a close confidant.

“Oh, who am I kidding? It’s back to waiting for the economic crisis in the south to deepen.”

NCP Central Committee Reportedly Purge Selves

LONDON –Following a purge of a good number of important cadres last week, the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain have discovered that a typo in the purge document resulted in twice as many cadres being purged as originally intended.

The purge—which began as a disagreement over the exact phrasing of an open letter to the RCPB-ML criticising the latter for their “ultra-left” stance on the historical role of pop singer David Bowie—was announced via a document which, in addition to a list of names of purged cadre, included a list of cadre who should not be purged despite their incorrect stance. The word “not” was left out, resulting in two thirds of the party, rather than the original intended one third, being purged.

The New Worker editorial offices immediately erupted in fierce argument and occasional scuffling upon revelation of the news. Over the past few days, the following events are reported to have occurred:

-Several central committee members gave self-criticism, advocated their own purging to make up for their “petty bourgeois negligence”.

-Other central committee members argued that advocating the further purging of valuable cadres to atone for already accomplished unnecessary purges was ultra-leftist and liquidationist. They advocated purging of the former group of central committee members on these grounds.

-The remaining central committee members advocated a simple public self-criticism and rescinding of the previous purge document. This move was condemned as “revisionist” by the former two groups of central committee members, who advocated the purge of the latter.

-The “revisionist” central committee members resorted to attempting to purge the rest of the central committee “in self-defence”.

At press time, it is not clear whether the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain has succeeded in purging itself in its entirety or not.

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.