Stefan Engel Disappointed at Nobel Prize Loss

STOCKHOLM – Spontaneous protests have broken out across Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Germany, the Netherlands, and of course Luxembourg in response to Stefan Engel being robbed of the Nobel Prize for Literature in favour of some jingly-jangly sing-song man.

Yes, apparently it was awarded to a Yank who plays some sort of fat-necked bağlama. We don’t know either.

Stefan Engel himself responded thus when reached for comment: “I have read the lyrics of Bob Dylan, for a book I am writing on the many subliminal Trotskyite messages in US pop music. Won’t the Nobel Prize Committee’s faces be red when they hear that assorted Nordic Marxist-Leninists don’t approve of their taste in music!

“At any rate, if they’re going to consider such trash as literature, why have they not considered my magnum opus: Peru: ­ die Lunte am Pulverfass Lateinamerika?”

For our part, the writers of Worker’s Spatula continue to be satisfied with our Nobel Prize from last year, for Marxist-Leninist Internet Satire, making us the first non-Swedes to win this coveted prize.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Revealed as Worker’s Spatula Fabrication

CARDIFF – “Marxist-Leninist-Maoist” organisations across Western Europe were shocked to learn that the organisation which had been in touch with them under the name “Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr” does not actually exist, having been set up prior to Worker’s Spatula by some of the original Worker’s Spatula writers as a foil for jokes about Welsh people’s war.

A group of Norwegian and French Maoists, intrigued by the group’s existence thanks to Worker’s Spatula’s references to them in their coverage of British politics, travelled to Wales to meet with representatives of “the Welsh Socialist Republican Movement” and Welsh Maoism.

“We expected some level of secrecy, since Marxism-Leninism-Maoism is a political tradition that actively preaches armed struggle as a ‘universal truth’,” explained Norwegian Maoist “Kjell” to our Cardiff correspondent. “So when ordinary Welsh people pretended to have never heard of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, the Great Unrest, or the Welsh Socialist Republican Party, we weren’t surprised.”

“We got our first lead when we mentioned the name at the Plaid Cymru office, and a young man wearing a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt, a red bandana across his face, and dark sunglasses stood up and bolted out of the office,” French militant “Fatima” recounted. “He escaped between some nearby fishmongers’ stalls, but we got the idea to ask a man selling bream for help. Fortunately, he trusted us. We were led down a shadowy network of bream sellers, fishers, and inviduals otherwise involved in the bream trade. Several sheep were shagged in front of us, and even by some of our comrades in order to earn their trust.”

“It was horrible,” confirmed “Pierre”. “I never wanted to shag that sheep, and I was worried the Welsh could tell, so I shagged it multiple times and in various positions so it would be convincing.”

“We found a lot of red flags and graffiti in weird locations, but we never found a rally or a meeting of any sort. The trail went cold in a small village on the Isle of Anglesey near Llanfairpwllgwyngyll,” continued “Fatima”. “An old man there saw us staring at some of the flags and graffiti and he started talking to us. We didn’t understand much of what he said, so we had to procure a Welsh to English interpreter, named Rhys. It turns out he was speaking English, but just had a ridiculous accent, but Rhys was kind enough to interpret anyway.”

“He said that the graffiti and flags had been put up by some Turks and Germans who had rolled into town, blasting American rap music and talking loudly about dialectics. Well we all know who that is. That’s you lot,” said Pierre, pointing an accusing and frankly awful-smelling finger at our correspondent as he finished his tale of woe.

“Yeah, so we did it. We made up a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist group in Wales for a laugh,” responded our correspondent. “But so what? Dych chi ddim yn angen grŵp Maoaidd Cymreig. Oedd maoaeth go iawn ynoch ar hyd!”

Venezuela Making King of Norway Doubt Merits of Rentier Social Democracy

OSLO – Bernie Sanders’s favourite socialist leader and last bastion of struggle against EU imperialism, King Harald V of Norway, today revealed to our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Oslo his concerns about Venezuela and its implications for the Norwegian model.

“Ever since the war in Libya, I’ve been concerned that our gradualist approach to socialism presented too long of a period of transition, allowing sabotage by the imperialists. Venezuela has been a concern in this area for a long time, and now everyone’s seeing how serious of a problem this is.

“In fact, I had discussed the matter with Comrades Gaddafi and Chavez before their respective tragic deaths…” said the 79-year-old monarch as he gazed sadly out the palace window.

“The problem is, if there’s one country that is more gradual than any other in its march to socialism, it is Norway, where we are so conservative in our struggle against the forces of reaction that I am in power,” he said looking our interviewer directly in the eyes.

Influential Norwegian Marxist theoretician Elling Borgersrud expressed frustration with the king’s stubborn refusal to draw the necessary conclusions: “We’ve been saying this for years, and I think the time has come for the king to just admit it: Social democracy may be good in theory, but it doesn’t work in practice.

“I think I speak for the entire people of Norway when I say that the time has come for the king to carry out a resolute offensive against the kulaks, the comprador bourgeoisie, and the aristocracy.”