Sparts Need Attention Again

LONDON – The Spartacist League of Britain, the Trotskyite sect that everybody loves to hate, feel that they haven’t united the entire global left in condemnation of them enough lately, and have decided to weigh in on what they call “the so-called ‘Coronavirus'”.

Claiming that COVID-19 “is obviously not real”, the purposefully provocative piece in Workers Hammer cast doubt on almost every single claim since the outbreak, laying out an elaborate conspiracy by which China have agreed to go along with the conspiracy in exchange for an increase in USAID, Korea being fooled by reports from China and the puppet regime in the occupied south of the country, and various sections of the US ruling classes, who of course are pulling all the strings, are variously lying or telling the truth about what they do or don’t know, and to make a long story short, Herman Cain was assassinated because he learned the truth.

No word on why the lone truth-tellers of Workers Hammer don’t fear being targeted for their usual bravery in being the only ones to say whatever nonsense pops into their deluded Trotskyite heads.

The Sparts none the less emphasise their “critical support” for the “fake virus” on the grounds that this particular hoax “has none the less exposed deep contradictions in the ruling classes and is plunging capital into ever greater depths of crisis”, out of which “the revolutionary vanguard represented by the International Communist League (Fourth Internationalist) can finally organise the working class for our long-planned first Trotskyist revolution”.

Trump’s “alleged” infection in particular is being held up as proof that the virus “cannot be genuine”, and therefore as a “warning to all of our many readers about the limitations in putting too much faith in fake bourgeois viruses to effect revolutionary change that only the working class can deliver”, on the grounds that “despite promises, this reformist ‘virus’ didn’t even kill the President of the United States”, a task which can only be completed “by a virus designed and spread by the class-conscious proletariat of the United States, organised and agitated under the leadership of our sister organisation and known virus experts, the Spartacist League of the US”.

As the entire world is rocked with the release of every single statement by any Trotskyite organisation, it comes as no surprise that responses were swift. Rivals in Trotskyism, the IMT, have released a statement of their own which the Sparts, for their part, have preemptively refused to read “as social distancing prevents us from using it as an excuse to show up and ruin one of their events”.

In said statement released on marxist.com and reprinted on all the other various similarly named IMT sources, it was emphasised that with over a million deaths worldwide COVID-19 need “do anything more to separate itself out from demonstrably false bourgeois propaganda, like Saddam Hussein’s ‘weapons of mass destruction’, or ‘the Big Bang’.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Joe Biden Calls for Donald Trump to be Crowned King

LONDON – Donald Trump has shocked liberal public opinion again by daring to visit Tsaress Elizabeth II, the hereditary monarch of the pro-Nazi Windsor Klan. This brazen home invasion occurred at Her Majesty’s invitation, to coordinate their joint imperialist business, including their proxy war against the people of Yemen, representing to all decent-minded people a clear assault by “President” Trump on the progressive and liberal values manifested in this anti-Catholic head of one of history’s most brutal imperialist states.

The Queen, however, is reported to have boldly joined the protest against Trump by warmly receiving him dressed slightly better than him, with winking aristocratic garment choices signalling that she thinks him less-than-well-bred, and therefore less fully human (YAS O LITERAL QUEEN! FIGURATIVELY SLAY!).

Although we at Worker’s Spatula would be remiss if we did not note that both of them were dressed most inappropriately by the standards of Pride Month.

The Queen’s act of resistance to the capitalist-imperialist power elite chauvinism represented in the foul presence of Donald Trump, the first abuser of women Her Majesty has ever had to tolerate in person, certainly did not go unnoticed throughout the rest of the Resistance Axis. Her Lebanese counterpart, male model and Shi’a cleric Hassan Nasrallah, hastened to invite the parasitic feudal holdover to Beirut to coordinate strategy against the Donald.

US liberal opinion, however, has been more cynical. Speaking on behalf of the extreme left fringe of white YanKKKee U$$ political opinion, Joseph Biden, declared that while he shared Her Majesty’s “outrage at the very existence of sexist relics and racist white men like the Donald”, the Queen’s “impotent” protest had been hardly more effective in “toppling” Trump than other subliminal protests by such “tribune[s] of the oppressed” as Shinzo Abe.

Said Biden, “if we want to end the Trump presidency, we clearly have no choice but to crown him King of the United [$$tate$$ of AmeriKKKa]”:

Like all liberals, I adore pompous displays by imperialist charlatans with nothing of value to contribute to politics as far as the poor are concerned, who spend all their time hob-nobbing, wheeling, dealing, and indeed stealing with other members of the capitalist elite who control the imperialist world system.

But only when they are unelected inheritors of feudalist dogma which states that God Almighty has subjugated the commoners to their bloodline, damn it!

Unfortunately for us, in addition to technically being a republic of some sort, the United [$$tate$$] lacks a state religion which can be used to legitimise Trump’s glorious ascent to the throne.

Therefore, I call on all Ameri[KKK]ans, of all faith backgrounds, to join in a bipartisan effort to bring their clerics together for an Ecumenical Ameri[KKK]an Council dedicated towards the creation of a United Church of #TheResistance, which can then speak on behalf of the Godhead and bestow upon the Donald a divine mandate such that his seed may rule over us forever and ever, thereby rendering his antics inoffensive to Ameri[KKK]an democracy.

Asked if he predicted this would take place before the 2020 US Presidential Election, the champion of modern progressive values against Trump’s cishet boys’ club chauvinism confidently asserted that it very well could, allowing him to be elected as a President more hostile to Russian interests, and as he put it “not so gay for Putin”.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK

ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Princess Diana: Also a Worker

We must socialise the Monarchy to raise their class consciousness.

It has been 20 years since Diana, Tywysoges Cymru, died whilst using publically funded transport. Shockingly, no organ of the British working class (aside from the Sunday Sport) took the time to honour her memory.

Her death in August of 1997 sent shockwaves around the world, arguably leading to the death of that other Tribune of the People, known Albanian Mother Theresa. In the months of public mourning after the tragic event, the bourgeois press attempted to cover up the proletarian nature of the life of the last British Stakhanovite. Worker’s Spatula have elected to rectify this by publishing Her True Story.

Born into obscurity in a small village in East Anglia, Diana (maiden name Spencer, from the old French term for Butler of Steward) experienced significant hardship during her upbringing. Coming from a broken home, and never performing well at school, one would expect her to become a member of the landless rural Lumpenproletariat like the rest of her family. However, she rose to public prominence after marriage to minor British dignitary Charles Windsor and embarking on a career in Landmine Removal. Following the example of her idol, Che Guevara, she travelled to Angola to join the struggle of the MPLA against the regional domination of the apartheid South African regime, where she met Che’s comrade Fidel Castro, and fell pregnant with two young children who unfortunately grew up to be Maoists.

Such was her dedication to raising the revolutionary consciousness of the international working class, that she founded and worked for over 100 revolutionary organisations (which the bourgeois mainstream media offensively obscure by referring to them as ‘charities’).

Following her divorce, she spent time party building in London, New York, and Lahore, before moving to Paris in the wake of the election of socialist Lionel Jospin to the position of Prime Minister. Though her time in Paris before her untimely death was short, her impact was far reaching, as can be seen in the introduction of the 35-hour workweek, and the CMU (couverture maladie universelle), both solid gains for the French working class, who still mourn the loss of their last great leader every year.

Indeed, her tragic death following a life and death car chase with state agents in Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris whilst she was on her way to a union meeting (where she was branch chair), was met with shock and outrage by workers of the world. Following the public outcry, British Prime Minister Tony Blair colluded with the British Establishment to de-politicise Diana’s death, appealing to national-chauvinist sentiment to stem the rapidly growing insurrection, enlisting the support of noted class collaborator Elton John to memorialise Diana as ‘England’s Rose’ (an affront to the Welsh peasants who she spent decades organising against English domination!).

Since her death, scab princess, Camilla Parker-Bowles, has tried to fill the shoes of the People’s Princess, but has only managed to write one cash-in book on bone vitamins, the most reactionary of all vitamins. More recently, she has tried to bolster her faltering cult of personality with the dubiously titled Big Bone Walk, where she lead 90 suffering children on a 10 mile walk in an attempt to emulate the PLA’s ‘Long March’.

In stark contrast, despite the sneers of former confidante and revisionist Paul Burrell, the legacy of the Queen of Hearts lives on in the struggles of the 32 million British workers who watched her televised funeral.

Diana lived, Diana lives, Diana will live forever, no matter how the bourgeois press try to make us forget her, and her untimely death.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Labour Party Harassing Theresa May at Home Now

LONDON – Following a frustratingly long process of undoing the damage of decades of New Labour, by which the Party of Labour abandoned not only its fierce, Albanian-inspired, anti-revisionist line in favour of abandonment even of the pet causes of the English labour aristocracy, the left wing of the Labour Party have taken to harassing Tory Prime Minister Theresa May at her home in Sonning.

“We know you’re in there Theresa!” shouted Diane Abbott towards a curtained window. “Your austerity is bad and you should feel bad!”

“I stand by all those things I said in the House of Commons!” agreed Jeremy Corbyn, to cheers from local students.

Street harassment of the Prime Minister is at an all-time high as Momentum’s momentum is at an all-time low. Twitter harassment of Tory accounts has remained more or less stable, witnessing only a slight spike after it was revealed that Tory youth group “Activate” have been WhatsApp chatting about whether Churchill was too hard on the Nazis when the Soviet threat loomed much greater.

“We never should’ve taken power,” moaned a visibly drunk Alexis Tsipras. “Labour can’t get a thing done either, but because they don’t get control of government, you forgive them for very similar failings to ours. Admit it, you’re still going to tell people to vote for them, aren’t you?”

Our local Athens correspondent confirmed that, yeah, probably, English people should still vote Labour, come the elections or whatever, what else are you going to do, launch urban guerrilla warfare?

“John McDonnell already tried that, anyway.”

John McDonnell and Diane Abbott were arrested last night, when their latest harassment of the Prime Minister went too far. Abbott drove herself and McDonnell to Sonning, where they blasted Ken Loach’s 2016 socialist realist film “I, Daniel Blake” over the car’s stereo system with the bass turned all the way up.

“Do you hear that, Prime Minister? This is the part where Katie eats directly out of the tin of beans at the food bank! It’s very sad and reflects the struggle of the poor under your austerity regime!” shouted Diane Abbott, shortly before the police drove up to take her and the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer into custody.

As of this morning, TKP chair (and generally nice guy among revisionists), Erkan Baş, had touched down in London to protest this suppression of the Party of Labour by the British state.

At time of press, Erkan Baş’s face–complete with that glorious, solidarity-worthy moustache–was being slammed into the pavement by the police.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

White Britons Told They “Should Do More to Stop Terror”

LONDON – The London attack early Monday morning, in which a “white, clean-shaven” man drove a van into Muslims emerging from Ramadan prayers at a masjid in Finsbury Park, killing one and wounding eight, has sent the country once again into shock.

Persons inexplicably given money in order to write newspaper columns were quick to pass judgment.

“What we have here is a failing of the entire White British community,” İbrahim Güneş, a self-appointed terror expert, told the Spatula.

“This man would have been planning this attack surrounded by White British people. He would have been living his life largely surrounded by White British people, and if anyone would have known about his plans to carry out this attack, it would have been White British people.”

“I mean, for God’s sake,” he added. “The van was hired in South Wales or somewhere.”

Welsh commentators were quick to downplay the Welsh connection: “Cardiff and its environs have been invaded by Saxons. The attacker was English. We’re the indigenous Britons, and we’re not the problem. It’s the English you want, they’re the ones who always start all the trouble. We want all white English people deported from Wales for their war on our culture, just as any decent Asian Londoner does. All of our safety is threatened by the English menace. We stand with the victims of this attack and condemn it without reservation,” explained Rhys Jones, a Welsh stereotype and Plaid Cymru spokesperson made up for the purposes of this piece.

Normal, non-white British commentators were unimpressed by Welsh attempts to downplay their culpability: “If you don’t like being lumped in with them, secede already, byti,” chided a passing Somali gentleman, on his way back from buying laver for a traditional Cardiff iftar.

The attack occured around the anniversary of the murder of Member of Parliament and integrated White British person Jo Cox in another terror attack perpetrated by another radicalised White British person.

“There’s a lack of trust we’re seeing among the White British community,” said Rasool Rahman, who writes a column urging that Britain start foreign wars in Christian countries every Thursday for The Times.

“White Britons really have to come out and ask their friends, their family members: did you vote UKIP? And if they did, they need to tell MI5.”

“Neither should we hold back from challenging White Britons around us as to whether they’re planning this type of terrorist atrocity.”

Urging calm, Shadow Home Secretary and national treasure Diane Abbott has assured the nervous British public that White British extremism will not be tolerated, and security services are closely monitoring pubs across the country in response to the attack.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Scandal as Labour Leaks Plan to Crown Gary Donnelly King

LONDON – “I don’t understand!” cried Corbyn, slamming his fist against the wall of his Islington bunker. “They kept trying to link us to the Provos, and what could make it more clear where we stand on them than this?”

“I know, I know…” concurred Diane Abbott. “And we’re even taking an interest in Buckingham Palace, the media is just really unfair to us.”

For hours, sources across the political spectrum in the UK have been reacting with shock and horror to a leaked plan to replace Queen Elizabeth II with Gary Donnelly, who would be crowned King Gary I, King of the Irish Isles.

“You see why I keep emphasising the national interest now, don’t you?” explained noted wheat field runner and part-time Prime Minister Theresa May to the Spatula’s Downing Street correspondent. “None of you believed me, until now, but now you see it. Are you going to let Corbyn bring a Papist into Buckingham Palace?”

“I tried to warn you,” agreed noted Welsh national embarrassment Owen Smith. “I’m as radical as the next one, but this is not how you win elections. I want a Northern Irish monarch as much as Corbyn does, but compromise is key. We could’ve chosen someone from the UDA, for example.”

Reaction from the occupied North of Ireland, however, has been quite positive, with the notable exception of Gary Donnelly himself, who has denied all claims of any connection between himself and Jeremy Corbyn. The RIRA have released a video claiming that they have “thousands” of weapons stashed in Buckingham Palace that they hope to be able to retrieve. INLA, for their part, released a video with similar claims, with the noteworthy difference that they plan to immediately decommission the weapons after retrieving them.

Provisional Sinn Féin, for their part, are ecstatic about this latest development in the saga of Irish Republicanism within the Party of Labour:

“With an Irish monarch in power, we can finally legitimise entering the Palace of Westminster. We look forward to bringing down the Union Jack and raising the tricolour over Londain with the help of our comrade-in-arms, John McDonnell.”

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its Hegelian triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”. The TİKB representatives proceeded to flip over the table and storm from the hall, shouting slogans back at “the reformists”.

Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

“I Have Read Adorno,” Announces Sam Kriss

LONDON – In a recent thinkpiece for VICE, freelance writer and vanguard of the thinkpiece-active hipster left Sam Kriss announced that he has indeed read at least one book by Adorno, and, in fact, he intends to read more.

“I have read Adorno,” the piece began, “and I think it is important that all of you know this. I have read Adorno, and I daresay that I enjoyed doing so. I hope this doesn’t put any of you off.”

Kriss went on to elaborate that, as one of the most important left public intellectuals, it is his responsibility to apply his intimate knowledge of the famed Frankfurt School theorist to pressing questions of the day, such as what Slavoj Žižek’s testicles probably look like, whether Star Wars is Maoist, or whether playing video games in your spare time is revolutionary or counter-revolutionary.

The shocking revelation has so captured the attention of Marxists around the world that Kriss was immediately approached for an interview by Jacobin to detail the implications of this revelation.

“Freud. Hegel,” he continued, when pressed for details on the development of his theoretical approach, “Lukács. With the accent mark.”

As of press time, Kriss was in the midst of a long and vigorous affirmation of the fact that, yes, he has indeed read quite a bit of Lacan.