THÜRINGEN, GERMANY – Notable big shot ICOR guy and Maoist theoretician Stefan Engel has ordered all MLPD cadre to meet him in his beloved Thüringen to make “the biggest announcement in German history”.
Upon arrival at the press conference, MLPD cadre and local press (including Worker’s Spatula correspondents from across the German-speaking world) found that Stefan Engel was not alone at the podium, but was flanked by pop singer Mariah Carey:
“Christmas is magic. It’s so festive and joyous. Nothing else really matters,” explained Worker’s Spatula’s favourite German, giddy as a schoolboy, to the confused stares of all present.
“Ever since Stefan first heard my song, ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’, earlier this week, he’s been texting and e-mailing and demanding I come to Germany to meet with him and spread the good word. I don’t know too much about this Maoism stuff, but it seems pretty close to my politics, and I’m happy as long as my music is bringing happiness to people, especially if it’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You,” explained Carey.
“From now on, I want the MLPD to cease all operations not related to Christmas, Mariah Carey, or Tetsurō Watsuji from December 24th until New Year’s Day, every year,” explained a suddenly dour-faced Engel.
Sources present at the conference agreed this was the biggest Christmas song-related event in communist news ever since the IMCWP commemorated the death of their fallen comrade, George Michael.
“We Germans don’t really know very much about Christmas, in spite of our strong opinions on Jesus, which in part may explain our reactionary national Spirit,” explained Engel to his followers, who were furiously scribbling notes to a background soundtrack of Mariah Carey’s hit song. “We don’t have any songs or traditions related to the birth of Jesus, who the German state informs us is our official Lord and Saviour, but who we only celebrate through the academic study of Luther, Bonhoeffer, or Hegel if we’re lucky enough to live in a Protestant area.
“In my own native Bavaria, on the other hand, I had never even heard of Christmas as a child. This, like most elements of Bavarian culture, is tantamount to child abuse, and I don’t want the next generation to grow up without knowing how wonderful Christmas is, and, oh wait, shut up, here it comes!” exclaimed Engel, jumping up and down, barely able to contain his joy as the bridge began:
Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing, I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?
Sources present at the conference could not confirm if the one who Engel “really need”s is in fact Joseph Stalin.
The IMT’s local German affiliate “der Funke” have released a press release following their “Marxmas” merchandising push noting that the IMT and all its affiliates had long been aware of the joy and magic of Christmas, and had been working hard to raise awareness of the holiday and its festive spirit among the Germans long before Stefan Engel’s announcement:
In fact, while we have not been partisans of Christmas for our entire history, having not had a clear pro-Christmas line upon our formation in 1992, Ted Grant and Alan Woods both met with Mariah Carey personally in 1994 to learn all about Christmas and the laughter of children while the Stalinists ignored Carey and indeed condemned her as a representative of US imperialism.
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