Sparts Need Attention Again

LONDON – The Spartacist League of Britain, the Trotskyite sect that everybody loves to hate, feel that they haven’t united the entire global left in condemnation of them enough lately, and have decided to weigh in on what they call “the so-called ‘Coronavirus'”.

Claiming that COVID-19 “is obviously not real”, the purposefully provocative piece in Workers Hammer cast doubt on almost every single claim since the outbreak, laying out an elaborate conspiracy by which China have agreed to go along with the conspiracy in exchange for an increase in USAID, Korea being fooled by reports from China and the puppet regime in the occupied south of the country, and various sections of the US ruling classes, who of course are pulling all the strings, are variously lying or telling the truth about what they do or don’t know, and to make a long story short, Herman Cain was assassinated because he learned the truth.

No word on why the lone truth-tellers of Workers Hammer don’t fear being targeted for their usual bravery in being the only ones to say whatever nonsense pops into their deluded Trotskyite heads.

The Sparts none the less emphasise their “critical support” for the “fake virus” on the grounds that this particular hoax “has none the less exposed deep contradictions in the ruling classes and is plunging capital into ever greater depths of crisis”, out of which “the revolutionary vanguard represented by the International Communist League (Fourth Internationalist) can finally organise the working class for our long-planned first Trotskyist revolution”.

Trump’s “alleged” infection in particular is being held up as proof that the virus “cannot be genuine”, and therefore as a “warning to all of our many readers about the limitations in putting too much faith in fake bourgeois viruses to effect revolutionary change that only the working class can deliver”, on the grounds that “despite promises, this reformist ‘virus’ didn’t even kill the President of the United States”, a task which can only be completed “by a virus designed and spread by the class-conscious proletariat of the United States, organised and agitated under the leadership of our sister organisation and known virus experts, the Spartacist League of the US”.

As the entire world is rocked with the release of every single statement by any Trotskyite organisation, it comes as no surprise that responses were swift. Rivals in Trotskyism, the IMT, have released a statement of their own which the Sparts, for their part, have preemptively refused to read “as social distancing prevents us from using it as an excuse to show up and ruin one of their events”.

In said statement released on marxist.com and reprinted on all the other various similarly named IMT sources, it was emphasised that with over a million deaths worldwide COVID-19 need “do anything more to separate itself out from demonstrably false bourgeois propaganda, like Saddam Hussein’s ‘weapons of mass destruction’, or ‘the Big Bang’.”

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

MUMBAI – The video message begins with a shot of the Antilia, which is suddenly consumed in a fiery explosion. As the smoke clears, a small gathering of masked figures approach the camera bearing spatulas, weapons, and sheets of paper with statements on them to be read, as is our New Year’s tradition. One of the comrades begins to read:

“Hear ye, o ye Workers and Oppressed of the World! Verily, ’tis us, the Worker’s Spatula! The Year of our LORD Two Thousand and Nineteen is at an End, and the Two Thousand and Twentieth bears upon us! Tremble, Revisionist and Reactionary alike!”

A second explosion rocks the background of the video, causing one of our number to drop their spatula and cry aloud: “God’s Wounds!”

“As can plainly be seen, we have ended this most atrocious of Years with some Fireworks of our own: we have destroyed the Antilia Building as an Act of Armed Propaganda against the reactionary Indian Bourgeoisie, and also because the Idea of castrating a bourgeois Phallus-Building with Fire seems so very much on Brand for us. A Pox and a Curse upon thee, Mukesh Ambani, thou Dog!”

A second spokesperson leans closer to the camera to interject:

“In case ye had not surmised, we have found our own Manner of Speech in 2019 altogether too accessible, now that all the Reds, and not just the Spatula–Vanguard of the Vanguard of the Vanguard of the World Revolution–are hailing their detested Foes with ‘Scoundrels’ and the Like. In Consequence, we have elected to affect even more archaic Forms of English going forward. Expect us to transform ourselves into communist Bēowulf by 2025.”

“Yeah motherfuckers!”, adds the Yank.

This latest Attack on the Class Enemy here in India is Naught but the Culmination of a Year of the most intensive practical Work: from Melbourne to Massachusetts, from Ankara to Edinburgh, from Brooklyn to Berlin, from Kerala to Caracas, our Forces have been thoroughgoing in all Efforts on Fronts both legal and illegal: we tire not, for we are on Cocaine.

Because we are so tireless and thoroughgoing and united and so forth, one might venture to ask, “Worker’s Spatula, have you no Self-Criticisms for us at the end of this Year?” That we have, o Comrades. That we most certainly fucking have.

Foremost in our Minds, we must Self-criticise for the flagrant Racism we have displayed towards the Italian People on Twitter dot com. This offensive Jesting and Japery is beneath such a serious Platform as Worker’s Spatula, who stand against all Manner of Chauvinism, particularly that towards the most oppressed of all Peoples: the Italians.

Not only is this Racism counter to our Ideology, it has impaired our heroic Practice: has even one Italian joined our heroic Guerrilla front in the Alpine Peaks against that most reactionary State Entity of Liechtenstein? We answer, nay! We have undermined the Sisterhood of the Peoples! Alienated the Italians from our midst with our Racism most foul! In Order that this Slight might be forgotten by the noble Italian Folk, we ask that our Readers refrain from any Repartee based upon our Joke that the Marxist-Leninist Theoretician Gramsci was an Italian. Let this humorous Lie ne’er yet be repeated, lest the Italians take Offence!

At this juncture, the Yank produces a banner which reads “Prisencólinensináinciúsol!” and waves it around.

Having brought up Liechtenstein, we pray that our Work in 2020 might result in more fruitful Struggle in the Microstates of the World: though Liechtenstein yet stands strong against our Assault, we will open up a new front of Guerrilla Struggle alongside the Italians we expect to flock to our Ranks against San Marino, and the Vatican, now an ally of Chinese Imperialism, has for too long escaped our Wrath!

Not content with stretching our Alpine Forces so thin, we are amassing Forces for yet more Microstate-based Fronts:

• to bring down the Stormont Regime in the Isle of Man, and finally liberate the Island such that Women may walk freely upon its long-forbidden Soil!
• to unite with the Cape Cod Faction of the PKK to establish a new Canton for Rojava in Massachusetts!
• and at long last to bring down the bourgeois Conch Republic to usher in a red Dawn on the People’s Republic of the Conch!

Let our Struggle in these shitty wee Lands inspire all of our Readers near and far to Action in their own social Contexts, or to join us in these Battles in the Flesh!

At this juncture, a South Asian Comrade raises a banner with the unmistakeable visage of Chairman Mao, causing one of the Turks to grimace and reluctantly take hold of one of the sheets of paper and begin reading:

I’m not doing the weird dialect stuff. So our Central Committee used to all be pro-Enver Hoxha against the Maoists, right? Well the Maoists talked their way in. Our Central Committee now consists both of partisans of Enver Hoxha and Maoist elements who reject the revisionist Theory of the Three Worlds and generally otherwise hold to similar positions as the old Central Committee. We’ve always been against excessive criticism of the Maoists in spite of our disagreements, so… this is the logical continuation of that, I suppose.

Our Central Committee, as you can see, represents diverse oppressed identities and is now a clear minority of men. This will be hopefully reflected in even more militancy on gender, sexuality, and disabled issues.

A comrade in a wheelchair unfurls a banner reading “cripples of the world, rejoice!”, before the Turkish Hoxhaite continues reading.

Now that we have so deeply penetrated the South Asian communist left, we expect to be read regularly by as much as 0.1% of the communist population of the subcontinent, which is to say, 30,000 people, almost all Hill Country Tamils and irony-poisoned Malayalams. In other words, more South Asians read Worker’s Spatula than read all Trotskyite publications from the subcontinent combined since the IMT lost Pakistan.

Whoops, we hurt the IMT’s feelings before 2020 even started. Our bad.

We’re going to have more of the Bad Leftist Poetry too, that seems like it has some promise, as a bit.

Anyway, other than that, it’s all pretty much what you’d expect. We’re going to keep being the best and most sincere Marxist-Leninist platform on social media while also being the worst and most irony-poisoned, because #Dialectics.

As the sound of sirens grows in the distance, the masked figures raise their fists as Stalinistly as humanly possible and scream in unison: “Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!” before scattering into the crowded Mumbai streets.

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Fightback Guerrillas Killed in Clashes with RCMP

TORONTO – Canadian sources are reeling at the news of multiple deaths in shoot-outs between Canadian state forces and guerrilla units claimed to be affiliated with the local IMT organisation Fightback, who have apparently gone full Mahir Çayan while no one was paying attention.

At least six guerrillas died in the initial clash with the RCMP, while two of the Mounties are reported dead, apparently killed in an explosion when the guerrillas launched a rocket-propelled grenade at the RCMP vehicle at the beginning of the clash.

A statement released by the “Proletarian Guerrilla Forces”, the group claiming responsibility for the attack, quoted Alan Woods extensively, and stated that the attack was carried out in retaliation for “the colonial authorities suppression of the national will of the Wet’suwet’en people”, and that they intended to “fulfill our vanguard role for the proletariat fighting for the liberation of all oppressed peoples in the prison-house of nations that is Canada”.

The bourgeois settler-colonialist Canadian state aims to keep the Indigenous nationalities in Bantustans, and the only force which can prevent this is the united militant action of the class conscious proletariat of all nationalities. In the final instance, the only means to liberate the oppressed Indigenous peoples of Canada is through proletarian revolution, which will take the form a mass insurrection which will shake the entire Canadian project to its core.

But as we prepare ourselves for the moment when the ruling classes are unable to rule in the old way––in the schools, in the unions, in the streets, everywhere the revolutionary proletariat is to be found––the most advanced sections of the Canadian proletariat must defend the proletariat in the internal colonies by any means necessary. The Canadian state must know this: from now on, their repression of the First Nations peoples will have real consequences.

Despite a denial issued by Fightback of any connection to the “Proletarian Guerrilla Forces”, mass arrests of Fightback-affiliated students and workers took place in the hours following the release of the PGF statement. In general, the arrests took place peacefully, with the Fightback cadres shouting slogans but offering no violent resistance. However, York University witnessed several violent clashes with the police, raising the body count of this week higher still.

One student, upon seeing the police approach her in the library, is reported to have screamed “clear out, clear out!” frantically to the surrounding students, who all ran away looking confused. As the police approached her, she is reported to have screamed “THIS PROBLEM CAN ONLY BE SOLVED BY BLOOD AND IRON!”, before detonating an explosive device which the forensics team have determined was kept in her backpack, taking three police officers with her. Her identity has not been revealed by York University authorities, but she is claimed to be one Shilpa Mudaliyar, a York University Economics PhD student who classmates describe as “prone to quoting Alan Woods”.

Another student, whose identity has also been concealed by York University authorities but who has been widely claimed following release of video of the arrest to be Owen Patrick, a Mathematician and known Fightback cadre at the school, was apprehended on his way home. The stony-faced Trotskyist shouted “WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE” repeatedly and sternly for the entirety of the video until he was forced into the back of a police vehicle. While the student was taken into custody peacefully, police have claimed that a stockpile of weapons was found in his residence.

Meanwhile, in the UK, Alan Woods was taken in for questioning by British authorities. A spokesperson for Mr. Woods has denied all charges of coordinating “terrorist violence”, dismissing the claims as “ludicrous”:

It is not even clear that Fightback itself is concretely linked with the Proletarian Guerrilla Forces, and neither take orders from Alan Woods personally. The fact that the PGF quoted Alan Woods in their statement is proof only of Alan Woods’s continuing popularity as one of the most critical Marxist voices of our time. The Canadian state and its international allies would do well to cease harassing Marxists and instead to come to an agreement with the Indigenous First Nations which would not provoke such unfortunate violence.

Responses from the various Maoist elements around the world has been mostly shock. The RCP-PCR of Canada were the first to issue a response, stating that “we must repeat, as Fightback themselves have stated, that claims of an armed wing of Fightback are nothing more than rumours which the state is exploiting to repress socialist activists, and those repeating them are objectively aiding the state in this campaign”, but that “it is clear from the PGF statement that they are in fact followers of Alan Woods, so, um… that’s unexpected, eh?”

The German MLPD released a rare public letter to a Trotskyite figure, inviting Alan Woods to come to Germany to “discuss those things that you’re definitely not doing”, “which is not to say you can join ICOR, because of the Trot thing, but still, we want to discuss some stuff with you”. Another ICOR affiliate, the Turkish and Kurdish Hoxhaite party MLKP released a statement claiming to have predicted the developments in Canada, stating that “if the revolutionary wave of the 1970s gave the Trots the PRT-ERP in Argentina, then of course today’s wave of revolution would produce Trotskyite militants on the other side of the American continent. We look forward to the PGF following the PRT-ERP’s path of abandoning Trotskyism in the coming months”.

Trots from various non-IMT traditions have all been united in condemning the violence in Canada as “adventurism” that, even if it leads to a revolution, “will probably degenerate anyway”.

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New 12-Step Programme AAAA Founded for those Addicted to Artisanal Anti-Revisionism

CW: Addiction, self-harm

A BASEMENT IN LOS ANGELES – A new twelve-step programme called “Artisanal Anti-Revisionism Addicts Anonymous” (AAAA) has been founded in Los Angeles (or by its full, original, Spanish name: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili), which is targeted at anti-revisionists too disattached from the social dogma even for Gonzaloism.

You know, the sort of people who read Abstrakt and write for Worker’s Spatula and have strong opinions about the TİKB splits.

These poor souls have had their chance at a normal life ruined by a crippling addiction to reading condemnations, analysis, and declarations from various anti-revisionist groups so obscure in the mainstream discourse and so furiously angry at the various frauds who masquerade as Marxists these days that they make the RIM look like social democrats. Using the traditional twelve-step format for other addictions, they hope to come together and become normal, healthy, functioning (but critical) members of popular fronts.

The inaugural meeting began with all attendees going round the circle and introducing themselves in turn, in the form: “my name is [FIRST NAME], and I’m addicted to obscure boutique anti-revisionist publications”.

“It started with reading old Stalinist Workers Group for Afro-American National Liberation and a New Communist International polemics against anyone and everyone. I thought it was no big deal, just a fun way to arm myself theoretically against the modern revisionists,” explained one young man, who was fired from his job for spending an entire workweek doing nothing but printing up hundreds of pages of opinions on precisely what went wrong in China.

“The next thing I know, I’m casually using terms like ‘modern revisionists’, and teaching myself Tamil so I can read NDMLP propaganda from Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. That’s like extra bad island India, with extra annoying Trots. Our comrades in the NDMLP say that…” trailed off the young man before bursting into tears, horrified at what he had become.

The young woman seated to his right patted him on the back to comfort him before taking her turn: “I started talking to some of the APL people in some leftbook group. It seemed like there couldn’t be any harm in reading Enver Hoxha. Then I found out that in Turkey, Hoxhaism is so mainstream that there are multiple kinds of Hoxhaist who disagree with each other on how to criticise Hoxha, whether to do it like Hoxha or Stalin or Freire or Che or something. I hit bottom last week when I found myself snorting the ashes from a printed-up stack of Devrimci Proletarya tweets I had smoked while listening to Kutup Yıldızı and screaming ‘FACTIONALIST! SPLITTER! NEO-BERNSTEINITE!’ at the mirror.

“My mother came in just as I had punched the mirror, shattering it to pieces. When she tried to take my wounded hands in hers, I pulled away screaming ‘NO, COMRADE MOM, I NEED TO WRITE A SELF-CRITICISM IN MY OWN BLOOD!'”

A minor spat broke out between two members over which four-person Guevarist group hiding in the Andes whose faxed pamphlets they had read in the library was more correct in their critical engagement with the Bolivarian Revolution, causing the moderator to have to intervene and remind them: “Comrades, let’s not forget that we want to be the sort of people who can hear the word ‘Venezuela’ without launching into an hour-long sectarian tirade against sectarianism.”

All members of the group, regardless of tendency or number of screeds they have wheatpasted to the walls of their college campus, could agree on their higher power to which they would appeal as they worked their way through the steps: the dialectic of history.

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Revolutionary Communist Party of Argentina Still Exists, they report

BUENOS AIRES – Our top secret Argentine source reports that the almost-ICOR member/affiliate PCR (Revolutionary Communist Party) of Argentina continues to exist, according to extremely credible information passed to them by the PCR itself, stating, and we quote “we are still holding it down for all the clowns in this bourgeois town”.

The reasons for the use of English to correspond between Argentine and Argentine could not be ascertained. Top dialecticians at the Spatula suspect that the PCR is so incredibly cognisant of the totality of class struggle that they foresaw that this statement would be significant to the Spatula, and would have to be translated to English accordingly.

Alternatively, perhaps we made up the quote for a gag on our stupid page.

Confirming that they “still hate Deng and everything” and “Trots should get shot”, the elusive and ROL-friendly Argentine Maoists sent in several photographs of themselves talking to the masses, which were very impressive, proletarian, and dialectical.

We did see a photo of them drinking wine, but it’s Argentina, so that’s proletarian there, right? In Turkey alcohol is so expensive that even the cheapest of beer reeks of petty bourgeois decadence, and in the rest of the normal world, wine is a bit French, innit?

Despite repeated e-mails, by time of press, no confirmation could be found that the hardest Argentine guerrillas of all time, the ex-Trots of PRT-ERP, still exist in any meaningful sense. But our PCR friends assured us that the People’s War™ in Perú continues, and will spread to Argentina around the same time “our people learn to speak proper Spanish”.

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Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?

Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sandersbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar “left”-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Worker’s Spatula

What follows is a Humourless Marxist Review that was originally to be published on Worker’s Spatula – Marxist-Leninist prior to the faction’s reunification with Worker’s Spatula, in which WS–ML reviewed the page from which they had split in terms of our perceived shortcomings. It has been edited so as to not be in ALL CAPS.

Worker’s Spatula is a pompous rag for pseudo-revolutionaries which attempts to cover up its total lack of meaningful intervention into practical politics with a series of jokes so juvenile that even here in Australia they seem a bit insulting to the level of intellectual discourse we expect.

Even where the writers can excuse this total waste of time of a website by making reference to their own political work outside of it, they’re powerless to deny that the overwhelming majority of their readership practise a masturbatory political apathy fueled by depression-anxiety which Worker’s Spatula enable by providing them content with which to obscure their own objective distance from the proletariat and organised politics as such.

Particularly in the US, where most of their readers are.

The page used to do exclusively satire pieces, which, particularly when Australian writers were involved, were occasionally funny. Now they’re trying to reinvent themselves as some sort of lighthearted “platform”, so they don’t even have to make proper jokes anymore. They just write whatever’s on their bloody minds in between classes!

The worst of all their stupid ideas would have to be their “Humourless Marxist Reviews”, which in addition to not being proper satire, couldn’t even really pretend to refer to politics at all. Contrary to what the name implies, they were just stupid jokes about media they hadn’t always even reviewed. These were also the pieces where the “Marxist” analysis was at its thinnest as well. Hopefully they’ll cut that out now that we’ve called them out for it.

They’ve also gone soft on anarchists and Trots lately, particularly since so few of the writers are still in Turkey, the homeland of Marxism-Leninism.

It’s also extremely repetitive. Oh, another piece about your depression, [REDACTED]? Couldn’t have seen that coming. Oh, you’re going to write about the DSA, better mention how the ROL is in charge of it, particularly the Boston branch, for the thousandth time! Oh, another joke about Trump being a communist who’s trying to delegitimise bourgeois democracy and US imperialism and “accelerate the contradictions”? PICK A NEW FUCKING JOKE, YOU HACKS.

Hey, here’s a joke for you: what’s the US equivalent of RaFFWU, the fighting trade union for fast food workers here in Australia? You’d never know from reading Worker’s Spatula, a site with mostly US readers named after the fact that its founders all worked in fast food at some point in their lives, although clearly not any single one of their writers based in the US at present!

All in all, you can see why we left. The only Marxist publication in the English language which has less potential to meaningfully raise up the general theoretical level of internet Marxists and offer an inventive new way to practically intervene in the organising of the next generation of revolutionaries… is all of them.

Give it up now, you cunts.

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How to be Class Conscious

There seems to be a lot of confusion about the identity of the class conscious proletariat these days. Well, workers of the world, never fear: Worker’s Spatula is here.

First of all, let’s dispel some myths about class consciousness:

1) Being class conscious is the same thing as being a communist
This myth is extremely common, and makes a certain amount of sense at first glance. After all, how else are we to explain the anti-communist hysteria of right-wing proletarians other than by a lack of proper class consciousness? So you would think this was not a myth at all. But it fucking is. And you are a sectarian for thinking otherwise. Give your self-criticism now.

If being a communist was equivalent to being class conscious, then there would be no such thing as a non-communist proletarian with class consciousness. Becoming a communist is certainly the end stage of the development of class consciousness, but it is perfectly possible to be strongly class conscious without becoming a communist. Anarcho-syndicalists reject the heritage of the Paris commune and communism, but nonetheless accept organisation of proletarians as a political class against capital as such. Trotskyites, likewise, are an example of a group of non-communists among whom properly class-conscious individuals may be found.

2) Being a class-conscious proletarian is the same as being an organised worker
Every trade union provides some sort of organisation to workers, but most of them are fucking reformist trash inside the Labor Party which remains a tool of Australian imperialism.

The truly class-conscious proletarian is not merely conscious of their own individual interests as a member of a syndicalist dispute for their individual rights, but is conscious of the totality of the proletarian class in all of its contradictions. A truly class-conscious proletarian has an internationalist perspective and does not defend their “own” bourgeoisie against the other proletarians and the oppressed at home and around the world:
3) Being a class-conscious proletarian requires that you own a hard hat and be a man
The unstated myths are the most pernicious ones of all. Every time you meet a so-called “communist”, ask yourself “Does this person’s rhetoric apply only to unionised white Australian workers? Do they favour men’s labour over women’s?” If so, they are probably an agent of the labour aristocracy that controls the forklifts across Australia. Do not trust them, and to be safe, do not trust anyone employed as a forklift operator.

All this aside, suppose you are a worker reading this and you wish to embrace this fancy class-consciousness business all the kids are talking about. Well you’ve come to the right place. Here are the four simple tricks to achieving class consciousness:

1) Show up at union meetings and talk a lot about dialectics
Are you involved in RaFFWU already? You’re not? You idealist pseudo-communist! Get your arse to a meeting, we’re taking on Woolworth’s right now.

Right, now you’re at the meeting. They’re all going on about the the bosses and that, looking like a right proper venue for the old class consciousness. But then some defeatist cunt says some nonsense about what’s achievable under the present conditions. What do you say? The same thing you say every time you open your bloody mouth, you fucking class-conscious hero, you:

We can’t just consider the objective conditions as if they are some static truth handed to us by history! We have to consider ourselves as political subjects whose interventions themselves play a role in reshaping the objective conditions just as the objective conditions have shaped our subjectivities! Fuck the SDA and their neoliberal masters! MARX! ENGELS! LENIN! STALIN!

Now that’s what I call class consciousness! What’s more, you’re subjectively intervening in the context of the RaFFWU which in addition to being an objective social context in which you as a political subject find yourself, is also a political subjectivity within the objective conditions of Australian labour politics. The dialectic is flowing through you like the force through a fucking Jedi, mate.

2) Stop referring to “Australia” when discussing international politics. Instead say “Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie”.
This one’s easy. Instead of saying:

“Australia and America are bargaining with each other over the refugees of the wars we’ve started.

Say:

“Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie and YanKKKee AmeriKKKan imperialism are bargaining over the lives of the poor and oppressed driven from their homes by their imperialist wars!”

We encourage all readers to modify any Wikipedia article on Australia to reflect this, for example, go to “Foreign relations of Australia” and change:

Australia provides aid to many of its developing Pacific Islands neighbours, and to Papua New Guinea.

To:

Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie provides “aid” to many of its Pacific Islands colonies, and to Papua New Guinea, which is also a colony.

Or from the article on the Stolenwealth of Australia:

Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie’s capital is Canberra, and its largest city is Sydney. For about 60,000 years before the first British invasion in the late 18th century, Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie was inhabited by indigenous Australians,

3) Talk about “the class implications” just all the fucking time
Why would you ever not do this?

4) Embrace the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, follow the Eightfold Path, and become a Bodhisattva dedicated to the enlightenment and liberation of all sentient beings from Samsāra
Honestly, what could be a higher level of class consciousness than attaining Nirvana, the Buddhist state of consciousness at which you truly internalise the passing nature of all things and that everything is nothingness and nothingness is everything? Can’t very well have private property if you’re going to overcome Samsāra, now can you?

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AMLU Caught in Theological Debate with Worker’s Spatula

NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY – AMLU youth at Rutgers University found themselves embroiled in an hours-long debate which quickly devolved into a discussion of Islamic theology with a Worker’s Spatula cadre tonight, causing the latter to question his faith in Hz. Ali and the former to question their faith in the rationality of material reality.

The German Worker’s Spatula cadre, recently kicked out of Turkey for alleged links to a proscribed “terrorist organisation” (in true Turkish fashion, the “terrorist organisation” in question was not even the one to which the cadre could realistically be linked), has been crashing on the couch of a US anarchist friend until he can determine which semi-colonial country he will be organising in next. To pass the time, he has been hanging out at various New Jersey universities talking to the heirs to the legacy of MJ Olgin about various theoretical, historical, and practical questions.

What started as a debate about national and class questions in the Black Belt South was quickly derailed, as is only natural, by a discussion about which Islamic sects most closely resemble which Marxist sects.

“Obviously Marxism is Islam because Marxism is true and real, like Islam,” began our German comrade, to nods of agreement from the New Jerseyite youth. “And as an Abrahamic faith, Marxism needs an Abraham.”

“Hegel, obviously,” responded a smirking young woman leaning against the wall in Brower Commons. “And Marx is Moses, come on, this is baby stuff.”

“Agreed,” said our Teutonic hero. “And obviously, Lenin is Jesus.”

“Because he is God in human form.”

“That, and because the Christians known as Trots accept him, but reject the final prophet, Stalin.”

With all present nodding in agreement, it seemed unity was close indeed. However, as is always the case with anti-revisionists, division would soon re-emerge.

“And then obviously, Mao is Ali. Because Shi’ism is a perversion of orthodox Islam,” offered a bearded young man in desperate need of a haircut.

“Excuse you?” asked our stunned exile, beginning a long shouting match that would continue outside Brower Commons for several hours after the group was kicked out because “We’re closed, can’t you fucking commies argue somewhere else?”

Arguments from both sides were impassioned, with the AMLU arguing that Hoxhaite fealty to the example of Hz. Stalin mirrored Sunni rejection of “Ja’fari Thought”, and that Maoist iconography mirrored Shi’a iconography. For our correspondent’s part, it was held that the acceptance of Sunnism as representative of “orthodox” Islam was predicated on popularity in a similar way to Maoism’s greater fame relative to that of the shining Marxist-Leninist path of Enver Hoxha.

Additionally, “everyone knows Abu Bakr supported the Three Worlds Theory.”

At time of press, no resolution had been found to the argument. All AMLU members had reportedly returned to their dorms, while the Worker’s Spatula representative was on Google frantically searching for Sunni mosques in the area at which to debate the finer details of the Sino-Albanian split.

Trots Secretly Reading Worker’s Spatula

AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following over a year of publicly referring to Worker’s Spatula as “the worst”, “diet Assadism”, “tankie nonsense”, and “Stalinist idiocy”, several “in the know” sources have confirmed that the Trotskyists secretly can’t stop reading Worker’s Spatula.

“The other night I woke up and realised I was in bed alone,” one source told us, in lurid detail: “I went into the living room and saw my partner was awake and staring intently at his laptop screen. He slammed it shut when he saw me, so of course I assumed it was pornography.

“While he was in the bathroom, I entered his password, which I guessed was the same as his e-mail password: P3rm4n3nt. He hadn’t even had time to close the incognito window, which was full of Worker’s Spatula tabs. I had to close the lid before he came out, so I couldn’t tell you what the pieces were, but at least one of them was about Žižek.”

Local Austin Socialist Alternative cadre have likewise been spotted checking the Worker’s Spatula reading list since the start of 2017. Mere hours after the latest reading list assignment was posted, suddenly all the younger cadre were reportedly discussing the importance of Hegel’s stance on the French Revolution, having previously been unconcerned with Hegel or the French Revolution.

One ISO affiliate met with us on condition of anonymity. We can reveal that she had with her a Barnes & Noble bag which contained the Foundations of Leninism.

“You’re not the sort of Stalinists I expect, I’ll give you that. Sometimes you make fairly good points and force me to rethink some of my positions, instead of just appealing to a caricatured anti-imperialism combined with an overly defensive posture about so-called ‘socialist states’. I am a little concerned that you keep joking about murdering Trots, but that is just a joke, right?”

Our ISO source ascribed the lack of reports of SEP and Solidarity affiliated Trotskyists reading the Spatula to Solidarity having “no sense of humour about themselves” and the SEP having “no sense of humour at all”.

A similar investigation was planned to determine the extent to which the “China is still socialist” crowd read the Spatula, but it was called off upon being unable to find any representatives who could confirm reading anything longer than 140 characters.