Varoufakis Back on His Bullshit

Yanis Varoufakis, the most famous veteran of the Syriza debacle, has taken a break from his prolific career as a male model to smugly host the 2020 Summit of the Progressive International, taking place, as everything else does lately, over Zoom and broadcast on YouTube.

Varoufakis, who dominated far too much of the Summit’s time with his self-important bullshit, spoke at great length about the importance of reforming capitalism maximally on its own terms, at a time when those terms are about to plunge us all into a global climate crisis the likes of which have yet to be seen.

Not content merely to take up so much of the actual audio and video time, he made sure that his pitiful, washed-up and frankly no longer relevant self was centred in discussion of the Summit in other news sources, even including extensive quotes from his prepared speech under that which he was expected to say.

Due to the Spatula’s perpetual commitment to combatting even the ghost of Nikita Khrushchev, Varoufakis’s hair-twin, we would remiss if we did not note that in a flagrant revisionism of class struggle, Varoufakis called for the problem of exploitation of workers to be addressed by converting each capitalist enterprise into “a corporation of all classes”.

Varoufakis also informed us that he personally does not shop on Amazon, and buys lots of fair trade coffee, or something.

The absolute highlight of the dismal Varoufakis Show where most of his guests were likewise held back by Keynesian cowardice from saying a single fucking thing of substance, was the appearance of Nick Estes, who is absolutely killing it on Twitter lately. In addition to a greatly Marxist call for land back to the Indigenous and a [planned?] economy for people and other such dank nugs, Estes heroically caused the one moment of tension by using the dreaded “s-word” which Varoufakis had clearly forbidden all guests from using.

“The name of the system we need to construct is socialism.” said Nick Estes, leaning forward for emphasis and staring into the camera. “Socialism. Socialism. Socialism.”

Varoufakis scrambled to regain control of the situation, lest he have to lose any sponsors for this unacceptably Stalinist turn of events: “Just so everyone out there knows, Progressive International doesn’t believe in any of that ‘actually existing socialism’, stuff, we’re just… we want to be beyond capitalism and critical of capitalism and contra-capitalist and everything else but allow me to emphasise that Mr. Estes is quite alone in his Enver Hoxha-esque call for ‘socialist construction’. No fucking way. No thank you.”

Before Estes or anyone else could interject any clarifying question or comment in response to this rant, Varoufakis nervously scratched his scalp and continued rambling: “I mean, if this were the Soviet Union, which thank God it’s not, I mean, that would be a really dystopic vision for the future, let me tell you, especially because I personally would be sent to GULAG. I mean I would. Me. Yanis Varoufakis. Imagine we’re in the Soviet Union now. I’d be the centre of attention then too, and Stalin couldn’t stand me getting all the attention, and so I’d have to go to GULAG. Is that what you want, Nick Estes? This is a fun game too, right?”

At time of press, [REDACTED] at the Worker’s Spatula Twitter was tweeting fantasies about an entirely different kind of summit with Varoufakis, if you catch my meaning, wink wink, nudge nudge.

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Point/Counterpoint: Stalin was Non-Binary

What follows is a debate between two Worker’s Spatula cadre at a closed Spatula conference on gender politics which took place in an undisclosed location. As the comrade arguing the initial “Point” represented a Maoist tradition, and the comrade arguing the follow-up “Counterpoint” represented a “Hoxhaite” tradition, they will be identified as such for the purposes of publication:

Point: Stalin was non-binary because Jughashvili was a Georgian
by a queer Maoist

There is, as everyone knows, a prolific online discourse as to whether Joseph Stalin was trans or not. Naturally, as with all such discussions, we as anti-revisionists assume that the side which wishes to associate Stalin with conservativism and reaction are nothing more than agents of the cishet patriarchal capitalist-imperialist-fascist enemy, who wish to sow confusion and division in our movement.

However, as Chairman Mao famously said: “no googling, no right to tweet”.

Googling reveals a startling pattern: Russian sources consistently refer to Joseph Stalin with the masculine pronouns in use in the Russian language, and no Russian sources mention that Stalin was a trans man, or any other kind of AFAB individual. Could Joseph Stalin have been cis?

The problem, of course, with consulting Russian sources is that they’re in Russian and by Russians. How can this imperialist language with its patriarchal pronouns capture the fullness of Stalin’s personhood? To discover the answer, I became fluent in the Georgian language, memorising its complex verbal morphology and becoming a master Georgian calligrapher, so that I could blend in to the indigenous culture of Georgian Orthodoxy and understand how gender was expressed among the Georgian people before capitalism and Russian Tsarism penetrated their country and imposed the cishet patriarchy on these noble people.

While reading the diaries of Stalin’s seminary friends, I discovered something startling: the same pronoun was used for “Soso” as for the Virgin Mary. That’s right: Stalin used the Georgian equivalent of they/them pronouns, because the indigenous Georgian culture doesn’t have gender.

Anyone who claims Stalin was a “cis man” doesn’t only impose on Stalin a gender identity which Stalin never chose, but because they are imposing this identity which apparently doesn’t even exist in Georgia, anyone who claims Stalin was a “cis man” is actually a racist.

I rest my case. Stalin’s pronouns are “ის/მან”, Stalin and the entire Georgian people are non-binary.

Counterpoint: Stalin was non-binary because Stalin represented the multi-gendered masses
by a queer Hoxhaite

While it’s definitely true that we have to critically reexamine any Russian sources of the Soviet Union as unrepresentative of the reality of the minority nationalities, particularly after decades of revisionism and known national oppression, we need not resort to Cuğaşvili’s national origins to deny the slanderous revisionist lie that Stalin was a “cis man”.

Even if Cuğaşvili would fit into our understanding of what a “cis man” is, Cuğaşvili was not Stalin, and Stalin was not Cuğaşvili. Before Soviet power was lost, Stalin was the symbol of soviet power, and as such, Stalin was at least bigender.

Oh, that’s right: if you consider Stalin–a symbolic representative figure based on the real hero but none the less fully human person Cuğaşvili, a figure expressing the political consciousness and will of the revolutionary proletariat in its totality–could possibly have just been a “man”, then you are effectively excluding women from your understanding of the proletariat which is, in addition to being grossly sexist, revisionist as all fuckhell.

Both of these people are equally Stalin.

So, accepting that the Stalin figure to whom all anti-revisionists pray to intercede on their behalf to the Dialectic of History was effectively “bigender” in the Russian-dominated official Soviet system, we must further surmise that today, in an online discourse that encompasses gender expressions of diverse kinds from diverse cultural traditions, Stalin, who lives on in our struggle, is extremely genderfluid.

We can safely say that if Stalin were on Twitter, Stalin would post pronouns as “any pronouns”: whether she/her, he/him, they/them, ze/zir, xe/xem, etc.

Stalin’s pronouns are whatever your pronouns are, you beautiful Stalin you.

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Happy Birthday, Joey Steel!

There are many reasons to defend the legacy of Comrade Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, also known as Joseph Stalin, Koba, Joey Steel, and more intimately, as Sam Steel. There are those who might emphasise his status as the last principled leader of the Soviet Union and the Bolshevik Communist Party which led the process of its construction. There are those who would defend his successful leadership during the darkest days of the anti-fascist struggle, ultimately emerging as the head of the anti-fascist front that would liberate the east of Germany from Hitlerite fascism and beating back the imperialist camp to the greatest extent since the October Revolution, a high water mark in the internationalisation of class struggle which was tragically never to be reached again thanks to the rise of modern revisionism and the Sino-Soviet split.

But on the occasion of his birthday, we want to emphasise a different side of Joey Steel. We want to emphasise that before becoming the face of the heights of organised struggle against capitalism-imperialism and all the ensuing controversies of the great struggle to reshape human society beyond capitalism, beyond profits, beyond exploitation… before there was even a Soviet Union… even before he was organising militias to separate out intercommunal violence in Baku and robbing banks… before he was Koba, he was an ordinary person like any of us. He was a member of an oppressed nationality under the Tsarist empire (the Georgians), he was impoverished, he suffered from abuse from his alcoholic father, and he contracted smallpox. From such humble beginnings, any single one of us can become a figure of greatness like Joseph Stalin.

But there is one thing about the personage of the young Stalin which makes him drastically different to most readers: he was fit as fuck, and could absolutely get it, any time, any place, no questions asked.

Look at that gorgeous example of Georgian manhood. Mm-mm, comrades. Mm-mm. Before he became a typical Caucasian uncle (which, if that’s your type, no judgement), Joey Steel looked like he could really lay down some steel, if you know what I’m saying.

Marxism-Leninism.

We like to imagine sexy young Stalin was always hooking up with the other lads in his seminary, and was known as much for his beautiful singing voice as being pleasantly girthy. Not too girthy, you understand. Not enough to the point where it looks weird. Just girthy enough that you can tell just by looking that it’s got some heft.

Whew. Going to need a minute here. You all listen to this song from the “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference while I uh… take care of some stuff:

 

So uh… yes. Happy birthday to Joseph Stalin, and to all the sexy enemies of Trotskyism, opportunism and modern revisionism, the world over.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Black Panther

I’ve been a white US Marxist-Leninist for many years now, and I thought I had seen some reactionary shit get passed off as progressive. But “Black Panther” really takes the cake, or the Black Muslim bean pie, depending which bourgeois dessert you prefer.

Oh yeah, you heard me, I called the Nation of Islam “bourgeois”. Deal with it.

“Black Panther” is one of those superhero movies, like Batman, where the bourgeoisie rescues the proletariat, but worse in about a hundred ways.

First of all, most of the cast are token black actors designed to distract from the whiteness of Marvel Studios at large. This is justified through the flimsy pretext of inserting the African country of Wakanda into a subplot, ignoring the fact that not a single one of these actors is from Wakanda or even of known Wakandan ancestry.

What’s more, most of these actors are not even Africans, but AMERICANS who just happen to be black. This is a flagrant example of the cultural appropriation of diverse African cultures, from Swahili to Nelson Mandela, by black American “radicals” with their pseudo-scientific “pan-African” ideology that has chosen Wakanda as its latest target.

Do the many so-called “communists” defending this film not see that the bourgeois press is pushing this film specifically because it divides the American working class the exact same way that Trumpism does, with racial “nationalism” based on unscientific myths??? What would Harry Haywood or Paul Robeson say? Probably exactly what I’m saying right now: that black Americans are Americans and they should unite with the rest of the American working class against pan-Africanism and every form of fascism.

There are some who would balk at my use of the word “fascism” to describe the “pan-African” ideology behind the appropriation of Wakandan history and culture in the film. But it’s true. There’s an economic crisis and “pan-African” is racialist and that’s fascism. You can’t argue with that, or else you’re a fake Marxist.

Also, the heroes of the film are all defending a monarchy, which is about as “revolutionary” as defending Saudi Arabia. Actually the Wakandan and Saudi royal families have close ties, and their business interests align with Israel. This is your “decolonised” cinema, Tumblr?

No, I, like Erik Killmonger, demand real anti-imperialism and real national liberation for the downtrodden Wakandan proletariat, and not cultural tokenism in bourgeois white cinema built on monarchism, compradorism, and other forms of reaction which deny the class contradictions of Wakandan society! This love letter to the Wakandan royal family’s only redeeming quality is in telling the heroic story of Erik Killmonger, the anti-imperialist hero Wakanda needs!

Speaking of Erik Killmonger, this figure is also deeply problematic, and I can’t stand all the “Marxists” trying to rescue this film by posing him as a hero. Beyond his opposition to the comprador monarchy and his ostensible anti-imperialism (as displayed in the dialogue in the museum scene), Killmonger is like one of those South Africans who condemned Apartheid and the Bantustan system built on comprador monarchs, but who makes excuses for the “post-Apartheid” system. Really makes you wonder if the Soviet revisionists should have even supported the CPSA and the ANF if they weren’t even going to build socialism.

Killmonger knows that the imperialist bourgeoisie stole from him, but nowhere does he mention that Africa is a patriarchy, and was reactionary before white people showed up.

That’s also kind of racist, if you think about it.

Also, vibranium is not even a real metal. I have the periodic table memorised, and it’s just not.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

CW: Spoilers, accusations of “narodnism”

In a brazen cash grab following the massive success of the third and final installment in the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas has seen fit to produce a sequel entitled “The Last Jedi”. Rumours already abound that this may be the beginning of a new sequel trilogy (which, since the entire thing takes place “a long time ago”, is more properly termed a “prequel”).

Due to overwhelming demand, Worker’s Spatula have dispatched their finest EMEP-affiliated film critics to determine the political character of this new War in the Star.

We are sad to report that contrary to the rumours, this film is not Marxist-Leninist propaganda, which frankly is the least you can ask from your science fiction. Progressive? Perhaps, but with grave organisational shortcomings that, among Marxist-Leninists such as ourselves, we should not shy away from criticising.

Are the forces of the New Order arch-reactionaries, imperialists, and fascists? Without any doubt. Is the struggle of the Resistance against them right? It is right, and the audience is right to identify with it. But can we avoid mentioning the scene where a distress signal was sent out, and no one answered Leia’s call? Should this not have been a sign to our heroes that they had been outmanoeuvred by the enemy? Read the Art of War, Leia.

But Leia’s mistakes as commander are not limited to particular moments of miscalculation or desperation: the general lack of training and discipline is apparent from the reckless decisions her individual troops take. Whether it’s Finn or Joe Pomeranian, the men of the Resistance get to pose themselves as heroes by carrying out great acts of revenge on their foe, but only by continuously taking adventurist risks that are responsible for great losses for their own organisation! No rigorous process of criticism and self-criticism greets these wayward comrades, merely verbal warnings and demotions. How long is the Resistance to last if it takes such a laissez-faire attitude towards discipline, training, and tactics?

Even the women of the resistance, who are notably more sober-minded, have yet to articulate a coherent overall strategy. Nowhere in the film is the overall tactical line of the Resistance mentioned, instead we are treated to Mao Zedong’s quote that “a single spark can start a prairie fire”, repeated over and over again by all the main characters in unison as they stare into the camera for a period of twenty minutes. Maddening.

Rey O’Light travels to the Dagoba system to meet with Luke Skywalker, who obviously represents Enver Hoxha, and stays with him in a mountain bunker where they condemn the failings of the Jedi Council, a clear stand-in for the Soviet Union, in brutally critical terms befitting the post-Cold War reality that we as Marxist-Leninist revolutionaries face. This was the only good scene, and even it was ruined by the rampant idealism we already mentioned in our first review.

But then even she, the supposedly most theoretically advanced figure in the Resistance, doesn’t listen to Enver Skywalker and runs off to face Darth What’s-His-Name in the Death Star or whatever, and kills Emperor Palpatine with him, only so that a new ruling clique led by Darth Who’s-It can emerge! Stop trying to abolish things without abolishing the conditions that led to those things! Anarchism! Narodnism! Adventurism! Wookieism!

All of these critiques are not to say that we do not fully defend the role the Resistance is playing. But the very dangerous objective conditions which these political subjects face require that we soberly take account of the facts. The Resistance can win its space war, and it can win by recognising the leading role of the space proletariat, and engaging in a diversity of space tactics to align all the progressive space forces against the space class enemies whose space exploitation and space oppression are the actual material basis for Captain McBadguy or Darth Kyle or whatever his name is.

The film, to its credit, actually spends a great deal of time portraying the sympathy of the working class to the Resistance, and if our narodnik heroes can unite their military manoeuvres with the organic trends of the proletariat, we are confident that socialism can be achieved in one more film, without having to sit through a half-dozen more of these.

Please George Lucas, stop sending these brave young people on suicide missions. Don’t be DHKP/C. These are human beings whose lives are being thrown out in a galaxy far, far away thanks to your adventurism. Orient the Resistance line towards the proletariat now. Do it for your old friends at the Spatula.

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Subtitle of Grover Furr’s New Book Just Opening Statement for Speaking Appearances

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – Reasonable man and friend of the Spatula Grover Furr is to release a new book entitled “Falsification of the Famine”, whose subtitle is obviously just the opening statement he will be making at all speaking appearances to which he is invited:

FALSIFICATION OF THE FAMINE: Anti-Soviet propaganda has become increasingly normalised since the fall of the Soviet Union after years of decline following the rise to power of the Khrushchev clique, and one can now find baseless slander with no basis in the historical record bandied about as if it were reputable information. Today, the idea that the Stalin-era Communist Party of the Soviet Union organised a genocide called the “Holodomor” is not only an acceptable avenue for historical inquiry and research, but an unassailable dogma. This is despite the known fact that these absurd claims were invented by the fascist Nazi regime. But tonight I intend to show not only that there was no such massacre of innocents, but that indeed the Communist Party of the Soviet Union heroically saved the lives of many Ukrainians from what would have been certain starvation prior to the establishment of the Soviet Union!
by Grover Furr

Sources close to Furr report that the book was the result of a fevered night of writing fueled by tobacco smoked out of a pipe and vengeful rage directed at “the Trotskyites” who wrote hatemail to the Montclair professor in response to his CounterPunch article on the subject of the so-called Holodomor published earlier this month.

The book is expected to be a niche hit in India and spur significant discussion among progressives in various Western European countries, but the English-speaking imperialist countries will likely ignore it as successfully as they ignore everything communists in those countries do.

In unrelated news, every ten seconds, a child dies from hunger in a world without actually existing socialism, a capitalist world in which the profit motive ensures a constant artificial scarcity, including of life essentials like food and medicine.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

Ex-Soviets Resist “Queue Culture”

TORONTO – As the post-Soviet economies continue to produce high unemployment, forcing many ex-Soviet citizens into the diaspora, cultures increasingly clash in major imperialist countries with a relatively high intake of immigrants, such as the United States and Canada.

“These fucking Russians and Uzbeks and whatever else they are, they don’t know how to line up!” exclaimed Karen Nestor, local student and Pierre Trudeau fan, while being jostled out of place repeatedly by old headscarved women, several of whom were multilingual, but not in any languages they speak in Canada. “This is what communism does to people, I guess, no civilisation!”

“Actually,” interjected Zəhra Kazımova, an Anthropology student at the local University of Toronto, “Lineups were a common activity forced upon my parents’ generation by the Soviet regime. Here in Canada, they are simply expressing the freedom that capitalism brings to not have to line up for goods and services.

“I’m not surprised privileged people like you would no idea about how far you have been indoctrinated by racist Cultural Marxism to believe that everyone has to line up behind you according to your standards of civilisation. It’s exactly your thinking that made the Soviet Union so oppressive to my people!”

“Wow,” exclaimed Nestor, shocked at her own un-unpacked privilege. “I had never thought about it that way!”

Our local correspondent spoke to Gurmat Singh, a local immigration lawyer, to learn more about the problems of queue culture:

“You have no idea the horror stories we hear from people who grew up under communism. Some of them had to wait in line for bread, and then wait in another line for various other goods, and then ride in a vehicle packed with other people on their way back to a small apartment. It was hell. I tell them: This is Canada. This is a free country. You don’t have to experience any of that ever again.

“But some of us who grew up here in Canada, they just can’t understand how important these freedoms are. We don’t appreciate the freedom from a crushing, alienating life of poverty that is the birthright of every Canadian.”

Despite the educational efforts of experts like Singh and community insiders like Kazımova, many people who grew up with English Canadian national culture still insist on imposing Cultural Marxist ideas on these people who have already enough suffered from Marxism and its unnatural ideas of equality.

“If they don’t want to wait with everyone else, they should pay extra for a delivery service! That’s what makes the system function so well: You pay the appropriate amount for the thing you really want. These queue-jumpers are trying to game the system!” explained Economics major, wannabe Austrian, and apparent “Cultural Marxist” Frederick Murray.

“What we need to do is introduce a more free market system into their countries, so if they immigrate here, they’re already familiar with what life is like in a developed capitalist country,” concluded Murray, clearly applying Marx’s Eurocentric standards of “development” to countries like Russia which have been denied the free market blessings the average Canadian enjoys so well.

However, not all ex-Soviet immigrants share the queue-jumping perspective of Kazımova’s elders. Some are resisting communism in their own way:

“YOU COMMUNIST WHORE!” screamed local “patriotic anti-communist” Yegor Nazarenko as he kicked an old Ukrainian man in the shins as he attempted to jump the queue, sending the latter’s plastic container full of roast chicken on a collision course with the dirty floor of the supermarket.

“How dare you jump a civilised, democratic queue as if it were one of those Judeo-Bolshevik queues back home!” he scolded the old man, grinding the roast chicken into the floor with his combat boot as the old man stared up at him, tears in his eyes.

Nazarenko then joined the queue himself, where he purchased a six-pack of “pyvo”, paid for by Canada Benefits.

9 Facts about Trotskyism and Penises

 

CW: Penises, Trotsky

Some of the most frequent Google hits we get here at Worker’s Spatula are “Trotsky and penises”, “Trotsky penis size”, and “Trotsky ice axe slash fiction”. In order to cater to this clearly considerable market of people interested in Trotskyism and penises, we have decided to end some myths about both the Fourth International and phalluses once and for all:

1. Reference to the USSR as “state capitalist” is not a defining feature of Trotskyism: Lenin used this term to describe the NEP period, and many anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists use it in reference to the post-Stalin USSR. Further, although several Trotskyist trends embrace this analysis of the Soviet Union in general, Trotsky rejected this in his lifetime.
2. Although as “anti-Stalinists”, Trotskyists often decry the purges and trials carried out during the Stalin era, the question of how to treat dissent was far from the cause of the division between Stalin and Trotsky: Trotsky himself oversaw the suppression of the Kronstadt rebellion, which involved summary executions. Rather, clashes of personalities, differences in foreign policy, and theoretical-terminological disputes figured more prominently into the split.
3. Some readers may worry that they have a small penis, but did you know that the human penis is the largest among primates? That means that more impressive male specimens of the mighty silverback gorilla (less than 8 cm!) very likely would be intimidated by you in the locker room!
4. Trotskyism is not about “neither Washington nor Moscow”, as the Spartacist League is only too happy to demonstrate! Many Trotskyists have supported Moscow-backed regimes against US imperialism, just as Maoists following the “Three Worlds Theory” defended pro-US fascist dictatorships in opposition to Moscow!
5. Did you know there’s not just one Fourth International? It’s true! In the post-WWII period, followers of Trotsky underwent a series of splits, including the eccentric “Posadist” trend. Today, there are even some who advocate the building of a Fifth International! Wow!
6. “Permanent revolution” is not a reference to constant revolt per se, but rather to the independence of class interests by the most revolutionary class, the proletariat. The term actually predates Lenin and was used by Marx, and in essence merely states that proletarian political consciousness must take the forefront in struggle against the bourgeoisie, despite alliances with “non-proletarian” elements. The point for Trotsky, however, was that one did not need to adopt a “two-stage” approach to revolution, and that even in semi-colonial contexts where the bourgeois revolution had been “held back”, it could be accomplished in effect “together with” the proletarian revolution by more or less the same forces.
7. Size matters… or does it? While many people do have certain aesthetic standards about penis size just as they may about any other body part, stimulation and sexual pleasure are rarely tied to the penile length that cis men are always boasting about. Towards this end, perhaps they should stop bragging about their length and begin comparing girths?
8. Many men still believe crazy myths about masturbation, like that excessive masturbation will rob your body of all sperm, or cause your penis to rot and fall off! Like we said, these are just myths! Sperm is reproduced constantly throughout a man’s life, and as most cis men who write for Worker’s Spatula are volcels, we can assure you that frequent masturbation has no ill effects on the penis itself!
9. Some people think that Trotsky betrayed the revolution and began a pseudo-revolutionary trend which, in addition to never effecting an actual revolution, frequently sides with the forces of imperialism and reaction in a misguided attempt to “correct the errors” of “Stalinism”.

Study Finds US Millenials Prefer Stalin to Jesus

NEW YORK – A new study commissioned by the Victims of Communism Memorial Foundation and YouGov has revealed a very high level of support for the proletarian ideology, with the majority of young people responding favourably to Marx and Lenin quotes, and preferring the ethical teachings of Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin to those of Jesus of Nazareth.

While many of those interviewed for the study stated that they had not even heard of Stalin, many others appear to have wilfully responded in defence of the late Soviet leader. The report contains quotes from several young people to the effect of “Stalin did nothing wrong, that’s a bourgeois lie”, and “what are you, a Trotskyite?”.

Conversely, although the general trend was to ascribe a greater number of innocent deaths to the administration of George Walker Bush than that of Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin, most young people who opined that Stalin was responsible for more innocent deaths added comments to the effect of “I’m no tankie, at least Bush liberated Iraq from the Russian agent, Saddam”.

Christians and Republicans around the United States are vocally disturbed by the results. However Michael Wisniewski, a spokesman for the Victims of Communism Memorial Foundation, said that they were not altogether surprising:

“These days, most university campuses are biased in favour of communism and other totalitarian ideologies and against traditional values. This is because of the influence of tenured Marxist professors who gained their status thanks to covert Soviet funding and pressure from Soviet agents and their front organisations during the Cold War.”

Indeed, hardly a university in the northeastern United States can be found which lacks a so-called “safe space”, many of which house the Collected Works of Stalin, as well as the Qur’an, although several have a strict ban on the Christian Bible on the grounds that it is “cissexist”. We sat down with a representative of the Students for Justice in Palestine at Brooklyn College in New York, who asked that her name not be used because “you look like a cop”:

“The Christian Bible is a reactionary and Zionist document. The Noble Qur’an, however, was revealed to Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam without Zionist or TERF influence. It triggers no one.”

The “All Marxist-Leninist Union”, famous for its work with campus Stalin apologist Grover Furr, has also successfully petitioned Rutgers University, which has previously rejected public acknowledgement of the Christian Ten Commandments on grounds of “secularism”, to begin construction of a monument honouring the Ten Islamic Commandments.

This follows mere weeks after Harvard University ignored the ongoing protests and allowed a public talk by Ali Shariati, Iranian communist and proponent of the Vilayat-e Faqih, although the Harvard Hillel is currently on probation for a “culturally insensitive” event on the cuisine of Israel.