Varoufakis Back on His Bullshit

Yanis Varoufakis, the most famous veteran of the Syriza debacle, has taken a break from his prolific career as a male model to smugly host the 2020 Summit of the Progressive International, taking place, as everything else does lately, over Zoom and broadcast on YouTube.

Varoufakis, who dominated far too much of the Summit’s time with his self-important bullshit, spoke at great length about the importance of reforming capitalism maximally on its own terms, at a time when those terms are about to plunge us all into a global climate crisis the likes of which have yet to be seen.

Not content merely to take up so much of the actual audio and video time, he made sure that his pitiful, washed-up and frankly no longer relevant self was centred in discussion of the Summit in other news sources, even including extensive quotes from his prepared speech under that which he was expected to say.

Due to the Spatula’s perpetual commitment to combatting even the ghost of Nikita Khrushchev, Varoufakis’s hair-twin, we would remiss if we did not note that in a flagrant revisionism of class struggle, Varoufakis called for the problem of exploitation of workers to be addressed by converting each capitalist enterprise into “a corporation of all classes”.

Varoufakis also informed us that he personally does not shop on Amazon, and buys lots of fair trade coffee, or something.

The absolute highlight of the dismal Varoufakis Show where most of his guests were likewise held back by Keynesian cowardice from saying a single fucking thing of substance, was the appearance of Nick Estes, who is absolutely killing it on Twitter lately. In addition to a greatly Marxist call for land back to the Indigenous and a [planned?] economy for people and other such dank nugs, Estes heroically caused the one moment of tension by using the dreaded “s-word” which Varoufakis had clearly forbidden all guests from using.

“The name of the system we need to construct is socialism.” said Nick Estes, leaning forward for emphasis and staring into the camera. “Socialism. Socialism. Socialism.”

Varoufakis scrambled to regain control of the situation, lest he have to lose any sponsors for this unacceptably Stalinist turn of events: “Just so everyone out there knows, Progressive International doesn’t believe in any of that ‘actually existing socialism’, stuff, we’re just… we want to be beyond capitalism and critical of capitalism and contra-capitalist and everything else but allow me to emphasise that Mr. Estes is quite alone in his Enver Hoxha-esque call for ‘socialist construction’. No fucking way. No thank you.”

Before Estes or anyone else could interject any clarifying question or comment in response to this rant, Varoufakis nervously scratched his scalp and continued rambling: “I mean, if this were the Soviet Union, which thank God it’s not, I mean, that would be a really dystopic vision for the future, let me tell you, especially because I personally would be sent to GULAG. I mean I would. Me. Yanis Varoufakis. Imagine we’re in the Soviet Union now. I’d be the centre of attention then too, and Stalin couldn’t stand me getting all the attention, and so I’d have to go to GULAG. Is that what you want, Nick Estes? This is a fun game too, right?”

At time of press, [REDACTED] at the Worker’s Spatula Twitter was tweeting fantasies about an entirely different kind of summit with Varoufakis, if you catch my meaning, wink wink, nudge nudge.

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“The Government in Brazil is a Government,” Anarchist Informs Us

 

SÃO PAULO – Brazil, better known to Worker’s Spatula’s writing staff as the birthplace of Paulo Freire, is in an uproar over attempts by fascists to topple a progressive government in that country under the guise of “anti-corruption”. Progressives and socialists around the world stand with the poor and downtrodden of Brazil as they protest this latest attempt by the forces of reaction in Latin America to crush the democratic spirit of the labouring peoples.

“But none of that matters,” New York-born anarchist and freelance journalist Sean McCarthy informed Worker’s Spatula’s São Paulo correspondent as they observed a crowd of bourgeois anti-government protesters calling for the resignation of allegedly corrupt officials associated with the Workers’ Party. “What you’re feeding me is pro-Moscow dogma, and it’s just another way of crushing the spirit of liberation that unites all of humanity.”

“I’ve heard it all before. First you’re going to tell me that the Workers’ Party represents the will of the poor, but poor people voted for Hitler. Rousseff is Hitler, is basically what I’m saying.”

“Next you’ll say that their opponents are worse, but who put you in charge of who’s bad and who’s good? Your god, Stalin? Those days are over man, you can’t gulag me.

“You can’t just stereotype the opposition as being a bunch of wealthy white Brazilians, just because most of them happen to be wealthy and white, and hate poor and dark-skinned Brazilians.”

“At the end of the day, all governments are governments, and like it or not, Brazil’s government is also a government. That makes it bad, and that makes everyone who’s against it good.”

Asked who he would be voting for in his own country, McCarthy responded: “Trump of course, he’s a rebel against the system, like me.”

Jeremy Corbyn Unveils Plans for Orkney Gulags

LONDON – Labour Party leadership candidate and known Hoxhaite Jeremy Corbyn was interviewed from his bunker in Islington today, revealing his ultimate plans for the Labour Party under his potential leadership.

“I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone that we’ll open with a highly publicised trial of the revisionist scoundrel Tony Blair, whose death sentence will assuredly be handed down by our ‘people’s court’, but we intend to purge the party of all counter-revolutionary filth.”

The 66-year old, previously known for his solidarity and union work, has been making waves within the party ever since a heated argument with rival candidate Andy Burnham on Thursday in which he threatened that, should Burnham fail to “make due self-criticism”, Burnham’s next reprimand would come in the form of a letter “addressed to… [his] cell in Orkney”.

“I thought that it would be good to have the Gulags located in Orkney. Because it’s an archipelago. Get it?” said a winking Corbyn, before returning to delicately sipping his tea, a Kalashnikov perched against his leg.

Corbyn revealed that, following the “glorious establishment” of a “dictatorship of the proletariat”, he intended to exile many noted Blairite Labour figures to the Orkney Gulags, along with “the kulaks”.

Corbyn proceeded to outline a list of perceived traitors and criminals, along with their likely punishments:

“Yvette Cooper, a known Trotskyite wrecker, will be sent to the whisky mines to labour for the working people. Liz Kendall, one of Tito’s agents who has been allowed to infiltrate the party, will be assigned to a team digging an airport on the island of Mull. John Mann, who is a bit of a shit, will be assigned to constructing bagpipes, 18 hours a day.”

Asked if the prisoners would be housed and fed in a humane fashion, Corbyn responded “Well, they’ll have to survive on haggis; opinions on whether or not that’s considered humane seem to vary across Britain.”

“Furthermore, those that survive the first winter will be given tickets to the Edinburgh Fringe, but will not be allowed out of Scotland.”

“We figure no right-wing Labour figure will ever again emerge from Scotland, so we’re safe…”