Sparts Need Attention Again

LONDON – The Spartacist League of Britain, the Trotskyite sect that everybody loves to hate, feel that they haven’t united the entire global left in condemnation of them enough lately, and have decided to weigh in on what they call “the so-called ‘Coronavirus'”.

Claiming that COVID-19 “is obviously not real”, the purposefully provocative piece in Workers Hammer cast doubt on almost every single claim since the outbreak, laying out an elaborate conspiracy by which China have agreed to go along with the conspiracy in exchange for an increase in USAID, Korea being fooled by reports from China and the puppet regime in the occupied south of the country, and various sections of the US ruling classes, who of course are pulling all the strings, are variously lying or telling the truth about what they do or don’t know, and to make a long story short, Herman Cain was assassinated because he learned the truth.

No word on why the lone truth-tellers of Workers Hammer don’t fear being targeted for their usual bravery in being the only ones to say whatever nonsense pops into their deluded Trotskyite heads.

The Sparts none the less emphasise their “critical support” for the “fake virus” on the grounds that this particular hoax “has none the less exposed deep contradictions in the ruling classes and is plunging capital into ever greater depths of crisis”, out of which “the revolutionary vanguard represented by the International Communist League (Fourth Internationalist) can finally organise the working class for our long-planned first Trotskyist revolution”.

Trump’s “alleged” infection in particular is being held up as proof that the virus “cannot be genuine”, and therefore as a “warning to all of our many readers about the limitations in putting too much faith in fake bourgeois viruses to effect revolutionary change that only the working class can deliver”, on the grounds that “despite promises, this reformist ‘virus’ didn’t even kill the President of the United States”, a task which can only be completed “by a virus designed and spread by the class-conscious proletariat of the United States, organised and agitated under the leadership of our sister organisation and known virus experts, the Spartacist League of the US”.

As the entire world is rocked with the release of every single statement by any Trotskyite organisation, it comes as no surprise that responses were swift. Rivals in Trotskyism, the IMT, have released a statement of their own which the Sparts, for their part, have preemptively refused to read “as social distancing prevents us from using it as an excuse to show up and ruin one of their events”.

In said statement released on marxist.com and reprinted on all the other various similarly named IMT sources, it was emphasised that with over a million deaths worldwide COVID-19 need “do anything more to separate itself out from demonstrably false bourgeois propaganda, like Saddam Hussein’s ‘weapons of mass destruction’, or ‘the Big Bang’.”

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Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula

Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his upcoming debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, so completely it does not need to take place, and so he certainly does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden Indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is overcome in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

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RCPB-ML Releases Hoxha x Stalin Hentai

 

LONDON – Citing concerns that young British people who could be recruited to anti-revisionist Marxism-Leninism are being misled by the “Maoite revisionist, national chauvinist, ultra-left CPGB-ML”, the RCPB-ML has announced the release of “an erotic graphic novel in a hentai manga style” entitled “Men of Steel”, as well as a Welsh translation, “Dynion o Dur”.

“Men of Steel”, which is 38 pages in length, tells the story of the young partisan Enver Hoxha, whose heart’s deepest desire is to have Stalin-senpai notice and approve of him. And notice him he does. Stalin-senpai rewards Hoxha’s loyalty in an erotically charged encounter that will make even the most steeled anti-revisionist blush.

Stalin is depicted as a stoic upperclassman within the international communist movement, confidently striding about in military boots and nothing else. The young Enver Hoxha is only too eager to please his beloved senpai:

ooOOOOOooo… Stalin-senpai is so big! Now to make him as hard… as STEEL!

CPGB-ML chair Harpal Brar responded to the release by calling it “a desperate move by a bunch of washed-up old followers of the pretentious cult-leader, Hardial Bains”. He did, however, concede that if there’s one thing that young CPGB-ML cadre like more than Stalin, it’s hentai.

“Hentai about Stalin is therefore sure to have popular appeal.”

However, Chairman Brar is not overly concerned. “After all,” he said, “the CPGB-ML is the only Marxist-Leninist party in the world whose minimal programme includes the demand to make anime real.”

Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now

NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

DHKP-C Claims Responsibility for Attack, Maybe

ISTANBUL – Following an armed attack on the Dolmabahçe Palace in Istanbul yesterday that left the two assailants and one police officer dead, the Revolutionary People’s Liberation Party-Front (DHKP-C) has issued three statements within 2 hours. In its first statement, the DHKP-C claimed responsibility for the attack and hailed the militants as revolutionaries fighting against the dark forces of imperialism and the fascist AKP government, sacrificing their lives for the revolution.

Approximately 35 minutes later, the party issued a second statement saying that there had been a miscommunication and apparently the assailants were not members of the party, but of some right wing or Islamist reactionary paramilitary group. “Honestly, we’re a bit confused as well,” said a masked party spokesperson who appeared in a video message and goes by the name of “Haydar Ali”.

“I mean, there are so many different groups in Turkey carrying out armed attacks right now. Most of those actions are completely meaningless anyway, including our own. But how are we supposed to tell if it was our own people or not? We were planning an attack at the same place on the same day. We urge the fascist AKP government to provide an official registry in every municipality, so that various groups can register themselves for attacks and confusion can be avoided.”

Following the second statement by about an hour, “Haydar Ali” issued yet another video message. “All right, I know, don’t say anything, but, well… So we have learnt that it might have been our people after all. The downside of our tactical line is that our people are mostly dead afterwards, so no one can ask them which organisation they support. We had to launch an investigation into what happened. There is still no conclusive evidence, but as the attack was completely meaningless, unnecessary and unsuccessful, a secret party committee concluded that it probably was our people who carried it out. In other words, we celebrate the martyrs who carried out this heroic act against fascism in their unwavering struggle for the people.”

Sources close to the legal fronts of the party said that there is quite a bit of discontent within the party ranks. Most agreed that if a fourth statement were to be released, it might start to be a bit embarrassing. As a precautionary measure, it has apparently been decided to blame any future development that would diverge significantly from their last message on propaganda by the fascist state. Another source said: “See, they always accuse our party of lacking a theoretical basis, but we even issued three statements on the attack in the form of thesis – antithesis – synthesis. In this one can see our mastery of the dialectical method invented by the great Anatolian revolutionary Mahir Çayan.” Upon being corrected with regard to the source of the dialectical method, the anonymous source responded: “Oh, leave us alone with all these imperialists and their degenerated culture. Some guy from Germany might have said something about dialectics, but did he know how to play the saz? All the theory we need stems from our Anatolian soil and from the people who grew up in Anatolia. Just listen to the poems of Pir Sultan Abdal – that’s all the dialectics we need.”

MLPD leader and chairman of the board of Ermen and Engel, a corporation formed through a hostile takeover of Ermen and Engels, Stefan Engel commented on these events from his holiday in Istanbul. Our reporters were able to get a brief statement from him in a traditional hamam. “See, this is why they’re not in ICOR. ‘Nuff said. Oh, and of course, they have not managed to create an interactive time-line of the life of their ideological leader Dursun Karataş. You know, like the one I have on my personal homepage. You should really take a look at it.”

Former Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras reportedly was impressed with the tactics of the DHKP-C. His barber quoted him as saying: “This is what we should have done. I mean, not the armed attacks necessarily, but all these attempts at confusing everyone, including oneself. We tried so hard, but the Germans are like teflon.”

Alper Taş, co-chair of the ÖDP, insisted we print this statement: “If they’re going to be an ineffectual, quasi-Marxist, ex-DEV-YOL cult, they should at least do so peacefully, like we do.”