Sparts Need Attention Again

LONDON – The Spartacist League of Britain, the Trotskyite sect that everybody loves to hate, feel that they haven’t united the entire global left in condemnation of them enough lately, and have decided to weigh in on what they call “the so-called ‘Coronavirus'”.

Claiming that COVID-19 “is obviously not real”, the purposefully provocative piece in Workers Hammer cast doubt on almost every single claim since the outbreak, laying out an elaborate conspiracy by which China have agreed to go along with the conspiracy in exchange for an increase in USAID, Korea being fooled by reports from China and the puppet regime in the occupied south of the country, and various sections of the US ruling classes, who of course are pulling all the strings, are variously lying or telling the truth about what they do or don’t know, and to make a long story short, Herman Cain was assassinated because he learned the truth.

No word on why the lone truth-tellers of Workers Hammer don’t fear being targeted for their usual bravery in being the only ones to say whatever nonsense pops into their deluded Trotskyite heads.

The Sparts none the less emphasise their “critical support” for the “fake virus” on the grounds that this particular hoax “has none the less exposed deep contradictions in the ruling classes and is plunging capital into ever greater depths of crisis”, out of which “the revolutionary vanguard represented by the International Communist League (Fourth Internationalist) can finally organise the working class for our long-planned first Trotskyist revolution”.

Trump’s “alleged” infection in particular is being held up as proof that the virus “cannot be genuine”, and therefore as a “warning to all of our many readers about the limitations in putting too much faith in fake bourgeois viruses to effect revolutionary change that only the working class can deliver”, on the grounds that “despite promises, this reformist ‘virus’ didn’t even kill the President of the United States”, a task which can only be completed “by a virus designed and spread by the class-conscious proletariat of the United States, organised and agitated under the leadership of our sister organisation and known virus experts, the Spartacist League of the US”.

As the entire world is rocked with the release of every single statement by any Trotskyite organisation, it comes as no surprise that responses were swift. Rivals in Trotskyism, the IMT, have released a statement of their own which the Sparts, for their part, have preemptively refused to read “as social distancing prevents us from using it as an excuse to show up and ruin one of their events”.

In said statement released on marxist.com and reprinted on all the other various similarly named IMT sources, it was emphasised that with over a million deaths worldwide COVID-19 need “do anything more to separate itself out from demonstrably false bourgeois propaganda, like Saddam Hussein’s ‘weapons of mass destruction’, or ‘the Big Bang’.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

“I Have Read Adorno,” Announces Sam Kriss

LONDON – In a recent thinkpiece for VICE, freelance writer and vanguard of the thinkpiece-active hipster left Sam Kriss announced that he has indeed read at least one book by Adorno, and, in fact, he intends to read more.

“I have read Adorno,” the piece began, “and I think it is important that all of you know this. I have read Adorno, and I daresay that I enjoyed doing so. I hope this doesn’t put any of you off.”

Kriss went on to elaborate that, as one of the most important left public intellectuals, it is his responsibility to apply his intimate knowledge of the famed Frankfurt School theorist to pressing questions of the day, such as what Slavoj Žižek’s testicles probably look like, whether Star Wars is Maoist, or whether playing video games in your spare time is revolutionary or counter-revolutionary.

The shocking revelation has so captured the attention of Marxists around the world that Kriss was immediately approached for an interview by Jacobin to detail the implications of this revelation.

“Freud. Hegel,” he continued, when pressed for details on the development of his theoretical approach, “Lukács. With the accent mark.”

As of press time, Kriss was in the midst of a long and vigorous affirmation of the fact that, yes, he has indeed read quite a bit of Lacan.